Musical Chairs

With Spring Training about to get into full effect, it is also that time of the year where players pick out music for warming up, bullpen entrances, and batting intros. The more memorable ones lately have been Trevor Hoffman's Hell's Bells or Mariano Rivera coming out to Enter Sandman. We have heard some shitty intros before, so I'm going to do my best to help out some of MLB's best pick out their new muzak.

Purple Pills (D12)- Barry Bond's intro

Make it Rain (Fat Joe)- Kip Wells' warmup...every inning

Ditty (Paperboy)- A drunken night with David Wells (just because you can't understand anything in the song or what comes from Babe Jr's mouth)

I Wish (Skee Lo)- David Eckstein

Hair of the Dog (Nazereth)- Pujols

Money (Pink Floyd)- A-Rod

It's Raining Men (Weather Girls)- Jim Edmonds

Hard Knock Life (Jay-Z)- Jason Isringhausen trotting in

Let's Get Retarded (Black Eyed Peas)- Brad Thompson

If Everyone Cared (Nickleback)- Florida Marlins' theme song

It's Not Over (Daughtry)- Ryan Dempster coming in

Loser (Beck)- Jeff Weaver warming up

I'm Back... (Mase)- Roger Clemens

Not again!

Another "OOPSIE" dumb-ass injury sports story...

MESA, Ariz. (AP) - Oft-injured Kerry Wood is out again — this time because of a flub in a hot tub. The Chicago Cubs pitcher is not expected to throw off the mound for a few days after he slipped this week getting out of a hot tub at home. Wood landed on his stomach and chest. "It was just a little spill," Wood said Thursday. "I didn't think anything of it. Nothing's wrong. It's just going to be a few extra days. My arm feels great. My body feels good." Wood said he probably would not have thrown off the mound until Friday had he not gotten hurt. He participated in most drills on Thursday when pitchers and catchers worked out for the first time. Bothered by an injured right shoulder the past three seasons, Wood is being converted to a reliever after being limited to four starts last year.

I predict this (as well as many other off-season flubs!) will come back to haunt the Cubs later this year...

Just Wingin' It

Coming across the wire might be the "What the hell?" contract of the 21st century. A-Rod's $256 million, Barry's $15.8 mill, and Bill Hall $24 million over four years! Read that again. Bill Hall is making $6 million a year. Wait, let me equate that for you with zeros; $6,000,000 a year, or 12,000,000 tacos at Jack 'n the Box. Hall is described on espn.com as "super-utilityman". Thinking in the form of "super-utilityman", I have come up with a "super-utility wingman" of former Cardinals that cannot be beat.

Tripp Cromer-Not only could this guy not bag a girl, but he also threw like one. He was Royce Clayton's backup, which as you repeat that to yourself in rehab makes you want to bite the business end of a 9mm.

Tripp's pickup line: "You know what they say about guys with long necks"

Eli Marrero- Eli can thank his minor league star batterymate for helping get him to the majors. Who would that 'future star' be? None other than Manny Aybar. Yeah, these were the Cards 'stars' in Memphis/Louisville in the 90's. Eli could catch, play first, and any of the outfield spots. He could hit sometimes, but by the time he got between first and second, he was breathing harder than a lunch lady unloading a Sysco food truck. The chances of him taking your girl was next to nothing. All you would have to do is stand 270 feet away. He'd need a breather before he even got close.

Eli's pickup line: "I'll get you some dugout seats cause that's where I always watch the game from"

Jose Vizcainio- And this guy got a ring with the Cards last year?? I can't honestly remember him stepping onto the diamond other than the Post-Dispatch shot of him running onto the field for the celebration. I think he's old enough to have brought baby Jesus the frankenscense.

Jose's pickup line: "Remember the Lincoln administration? I do!"

Stubby Clapp- If this were a name contest, he would have won hands down. Stubby got a little PT at 2B/SS and is in the same catagory as Bo Hart. While I have no clue where Hart is, as I flipped on the WBC last year, I saw Stubby Clapp playing the field for Canada. Almost makes you wonder if it was like one of those NHL/Olympic things where in reality, the country is already too damn good so you have to change your citizenship to a shittier country in your sport. This is also known as the Mike Piazza rule. His name alone would kill his chances with your lady friend.

Stubby's pickup line: "I'm Stubby Clapp bitch! Show me yo' titties!"

Bertflex Night at Dave & Buster's

There was one ugly showing of Bertflexian's during my trip back to the 'Lou, all commensurating at Dave & Buster's in Maryland Heights. All the pictures are loaded in the Bertflex Photo Gallery, but lets share some of the better moments.

Sir's clinic on the Dance Dance Revolution machine was a classic. Granted, I have never tried DDR, I don't understand DDR, and I have no need to ever do DDR. There is video of TP's DDR moves, so if you want it, leave your name on the comments screen, and I'll get it to you. I've never seen the use of a metal pole like that without throwing money on stage.

Shaun is hands down the "Pop a Shot" king. Some advice to Wise Lebron: Watchout! While I was fairly drunk and ended up throwing headfakes on the machine, Shaun decided to throw down 73. Sick...

On the flipside of being good, TP's showing on the football toss machine was awful. Another video is available. I think an RZ Trainer might be under the Christmas tree in the Pellegrino household. PS...Tom Emanski won't be calling after seeing that aim. Watching Josh throw southpaw on the machine was pretty amusing too. Did I say I was drunk?

I ended up getting faded quickly. Throwing back big mugs of beer did help me get down on the mallet pounding machine. More beer also made me repulse/hit on some decent looking chicks on the Trivia Game. Unbelievably, the girl and I ended up winning and screwing the rest of Bertflex out of some more tickets for prizes. And about those prizes? Poker set, D&B ashtray, some shitty baseball cards, a Tyler Johnson plaque (sounds like a name of a disease that will be around, i.e. 'Lou Gehrig's Disease'), and an Adam Wainwright card from Spring Training.

The best part may have come after Sandwich and I took the Regal Beagle by storm. I 'played' darts ('play' is a strong word. More like 'laid down and died'), drank more, and ended up getting some free drinks from the fatty bartender because there were three guys scarier than us in there and she didn't want to be left alone. When I'm in the bar late, I'm usually the creepy guy that she's wanting to get rid of, so a switcherroo wasn't so bad for once. It's like Freaky Friday and I left my body for once! With a game of 20 Questions, I also figured out that one of my best friends took the fatty bartender home. YIKES!! Oh, St. Louis, how I miss thee. Oh, and I'm still scarred by what I caught Brian from 'Family Guy' doing at D&B...

Maybe Even Peyton Mannin'...Maybe...

With the exception of the always exciting Pro Bowl, another football season is in the books. And for about the tenth straight year, I capped it off by eating around 8 pounds of food.

For a "real" recap of the game, feel free to stop by a credible website for all that, but for a recap of what the Super Bowl is all about--food and gambling--keep it locked here.

At the Knights of Columbus party, I loaded up on a few ham and roast beef sandwiches. Yes, I said a few. Combine that with four piles of those little smokies, a bowl of chili, some Italian meatballs, a ton of tortilla chips (covered with more chili), and three cupcakes, and we've got ourselves a good first quarter. I know the ILL-side party had some chicken wings with Ben's special sauce (oops, that came out wrong), plus the ever-so-lovable Flamin' Hot Cheetos.

As for the gambling, I sucked on the squares games, and was shut out once again. I think I fared better at the degenerate dollar bets going on at Justin's party. Tony will calculate the totals and I'm sure will send out the "invoices," errr face-punching squad, sometime this week. I know a couple of us won on the length of the National Anthem. Big ups to the Piano Man for keeping it under 1:42. Feel free to add your results to the comments section.

And thus concludes another fun year of football. Time to defrost Mel Kiper and get him ready for the draft pre-game show, which starts Thursday I think. Until then, let's focus on getting Ted Ginn fitted for his Rams uni...


photo courtesy www.blackbettie.blogspot.com; she shares her love for Flamin' Hot Cheetos in the May '05 link.

MissFlex

Welcome one, welcome all to the 2007 MissFlex Pageant. Yes, I did just say “Miss” as in females. See fellas, there are these things called ‘women’ (which are opposite of us). We naturally repulse them with gas, wiffleball, drunk dials, movie quotes, and the fact that we can legitimately name all the members of the California Angels squad on RBI Baseball. I realize that many of our readers may be more familiar with Ted Power’s ERA for the 1990 Cardinals than what a hot chick looks like. Let me get you up to speed on that what's hot and what's not classification…


















Now that we have that covered...we already have Bertflex, and it is now time for MissFlex. Get your wife, girlfriend, mistress, hot friends, or random bar whores to pop on a Bertflex.com jersey and snap a picture. Don’t have a jersey? No problem! Just have the hottie hold up a random sign about one of the Bertflex writers (example: “I gave Tony the Heisman at Bertflex.com”, “Big Sandwich is still a virgin”, “York Hearts Roy Williams”, or Shaun’s favorite “I’m too young for Tony”). This can definitely spice up a lame night at the bar, plus it gives you the chance to make small talk with a hottie. It’s “Girls Gone Wild”, only with a more pathetic Joe Francis!

You can email the pictures to bertflexdotcom@yahoo.com. We will vote in a few different categories to crown MissFlex; hotness, drunkenness, great quotes on signs, and we will compact it down to a top three or four for you to vote on later. The person who submitted the winning photo will receive a gift basket full of goodies/random bowl, courtesy of myself.

A reason to celebrate...

Yes, yes, hell yes! Myself and fellow Cheeseheads across the country get to postpone one more year of agonizing "Who the hell is this guy" talk as #4 "officially" announced this morning that he would return for another year. With the Badgers losing to Indiana Wednesday night, we needed something to celebrate going into the weekend. This has given me the perfect opportunity to fight the below-zero weather to go out drinking!

Shameless Self Promotion

I don't think anyone on the staff of bertflex.com has ever won a popularity contest. So let's re-write the history books by flooding the ballot box and nominating us for the 2007 bloggie "best kept secret" award (towards the bottom of the page on the link below). We already have four whole votes. Keep 'em coming.

You have until Wednesday night to enter us in, along with two other blogs of your choice (in any category).

www.2007.bloggies.com

If you feel that we are not deserving of a measly nomination, please contact us, and include your name and address too. You will be given a special gift basket from our own Likes To Fight Guy.

Thanks in advance! Peace out.

My 2007 HOF Ballot

Well, the votes were announced on Tuesday, and only two players were elected for induction into the baseball Hall of Fame. To no one's surprise, Cal Ripken, Jr. and Tony Gwynn will be the center of attention this summer in Cooperstown, NY.

As a member of the blog media, I was one of the lucky ones to be given a vote for the Hall of Fame. After going back and forth on a number of players, I finally submitted my ballot to the powers that be at Major League Baseball a couple weeks ago.

Here is a breakdown of the players that I voted for:

Cal Ripken, Jr.
Sure he was good and all, but being related to the guy who's got the most famous error card of all time put him over the top.

Tony Gwynn
He likes hot dogs as much as I do. That's scary.

Dante Bichette
He was a hell of a guy. Great mullet. Hit a bunch of jacks. And I've got a story about him: he signed an autograph for me while sitting in the stands, watching a high school game at Busch in the mid 90's. Some of you might remember that in the old stadium, once in a while there was a high school game after a Saturday or Sunday day game. So one time after a Cardinals/Rockies contest, Dante decided to kick it with about 40 other people and watch the local kids play. I found it weird at the time that he had nothing better to do. Well, actually it's still weird, but Hall of Fame worthy.

Tony Fernandez
Anyone who played on the '89 Blue Jays (my favorite RBI 2 team) is okay in my book. Hey when's Junior Felix up for election?

Stone Cold Jay Buhner
Somewhere out there is a softball league that is dominated by Jay Buhner. I'd like to know where that place is, so I can move there.

Albert Belle
Okay, so maybe he punched Fernando Vina a couple times...stalked his girlfriend with a GPS device...threw baseballs at heckling fans...corked his bat...got a DUI. I think we've all done that stuff plenty of times in our day. In fact, I punched Fernando Vina after Ohio State lost the National Championship. Free pass Albert, you get my vote!

Bobby Bonilla
If not for Bobby Bo's bad hamstring in the spring of 2001, the beginning of one Albert Pujols' career would have been delayed for who knows how long. So for the sole reason of "getting out of the way," Bonilla gets in the Hall. He also developed and put to use the first time machine in the game of baseball, which has since been used by the likes of Andy Benes, Vinny Castilla, and Julio Franco. Thanks for being old Bobby!




And there you have it. That is quite a class, a magnificent seven if you will. I'd like to thank the baseball Hall of Fame for letting me speak for my peers. I know we'll disagree on one or two of the players mentioned above, but after careful analysis, I think I did a great job.

The Mirror

Welcome to the first '07 edition of The Mirror. Also, lets give a big Bertflex welcome to Dontrelle Willis' mugshot.



















Flick from "A Bug's Life" and WVU Quarterback Pat White















Gollum from "Lord of the Rings" and Lions coach Rod Marinelli



















Dontrelle Willis and Duke guard Demarcus Nelson

Ho Yeah

Hey little boys and girls, it's your buddy Santa here! One of the nice young lads at this jolly ol' website asked me to write a short column about what's going on at the North Pole. Even though it's our busy time of the year (see you in three days!), Santa always makes time for his friends. Plus it is not too often that I am the one behind the words; I do enjoy reading all those letters, but I like to sit behind the old keyboard too.

I know you'd expect me to comment on something like the best toys to bring children this year, or the type of milk and cookies I enjoy snacking on while you are nestled in bed. No, there's something that I've wanted to get off my chest for a while now, and why not tell all the happy boys and girls of bertflex-land: I love hot slutty women.

Oh man, where do I start? I mean, you Americans have been on a roll there in the past couple months. Just off the top of my head, you've got Britney Spears hanging out with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, running around with no underwear on? That's like the All Star game of party sluts hanging out together. For you sports dorks out there, the only historical trio that comes close was Bird, Magic, and Jordan when they smoked some dudes in the '92 Olympics. As a matter of fact, those girls were smoking some dudes of their own last time I came to West Hollywood.

You know the whole naughty or nice thing I tell you about? Let's just say Brit, Paris, and Lindsay are getting a bunch of shit from me Christmas morning.

Then a couple days ago we find out about Miss USA getting drunk and making out with Miss Teen USA. Let me tell you kids a little secret about Santa. Remember when I said I love hot slutty women? I really love hot slutty women who get drunk and make out with each other.

I bet you didn't know that I always hire some lesbian elves for this very reason. Hey it's the North Pole--not a lot happening up here in July.

But I'm glad Mr. Trump didn't relieve her of her crown, he'll be rewarded for that come Monday. He, like the rest of the men of your country, saw what a great role model she is for young women, and her lesbian desires should not be distracted by some argument over a silly pageant title. Don't worry guys, I know for a fact she still likes you. But get a little booze in her and she'll let another Miss USA stick her tongue in her U-Know-What.

Then the news broke yesterday about Miss Nevada and some "racy" pictures that were released of her. You can view them on www.tmz.com (she's the one in red) but they've got those pesky red stars blocking out the good stuff. Oh well, can't win them all. That is, unless you're me. I'm putting someone else in charge of the gift wrapping and hanging out with this chick tonight. It's Friday, she ain't got no job, and she ain't got shit to do. That means lots of drinking and whoring. I'll let you know how it goes.

As for this article, I'm not sure how to end this except by saying that I encourage all you young ladies out there to slut it up as much as you can! Santa is always watching...

Best. Injury. Evar.

This article comes courtesy of the Detroit Free Press, discussing Joel Zumaya's decline in performance during the postseason...

The Tigers are satisfied they won't see a recurrence of the right wrist and forearm inflammation that sidelined Joel Zumaya for three games of the American League Championship Series.

Why? Club president and general manager Dave Dombrowski told WXYT-AM (1270) on Wednesday the team had concluded Zumaya's injury resulted from playing a video game, not from his powerful throwing motion.

Zumaya, 22, was known to play "Guitar Hero," a PlayStation 2 game in which a player uses a guitar-shaped controller to simulate the performance of popular songs.

That's right, the dumbass flamethrower hurt his arm playing glorified air guitar. Maybe next week, JD Drew will hurt himself playing Dance Dance Revolution.

For the 10 Billionth Time, People are Stupid

I'm doing a good job of cutting and pasting from newspapers over the past couple days.

Here we take a look a USA Today poll from this week:

Fan poll:

Fifty-seven percent of baseball fans think Mark McGwire should be elected to the Hall of Fame, according to a USA TODAY-Gallup poll; 35% said he shouldn't, and 7% had no opinion.

McGwire's support in the poll of 423 baseball fans, conducted Dec. 8-10, is down 3% from a similar poll in August. Of those eligible for the Hall ballot for the first time this month, Cal Ripken Jr. (86%) fared best, followed by Tony Gwynn (58%), McGwire and Jose Canseco (48%).

In a recent Associated Press survey, 25% of baseball writers eligible to vote for the Hall said they'd vote for McGwire; a 75% total is necessary for election.

Sammy Sosa, who is not yet eligible for the Hall, received support from 63% of fans.

I don't think it's a huge surprise that the fans are leaning towards "yes" for Mac Wire. It definitely wouldn't be this high (57%) if you took a poll of media members (as shown above), since they love to hate the big guy. But from what I've seen and read, fans seem to be less outraged on letting Mac Wire into the Hall of Fame--maybe if they yelled louder, they'd be on tv too.

There are two things that surprise me here: the lesser of which is that 86% of the 423 baseball fans USA Today polled, would vote Cal Ripken, Jr into the Hall. Who are those other 14%?? Where did USA Today find them? I know that's pretty much 1 in 10 people, but what did Cal Ripken do to piss these people off? I could understand when the time comes, and Derek Jeter's name is on the ballot, of course there are going to be some Yankee haters (mostly in the New England area) who would vote no. Bill Simmons included. But Cal Ripken? Who are his enemies? Lou Gehrig's family? Manny Alexander? I don't get it, but it's no big deal compared to the other surprise.

Tony Gwynn. 58%.

Once again, it says 423 baseball fans. Not figure skating fans. Not Bravo Network fans. Baseball fans.

And 178 people say Tony Gwynn should not be elected into the Hall of Fame. If someone can explain this, please do so.

Frank Cusumano of 590 pointed this out on the air yesterday. I was stunned when he said 58% and had to find the article online just to make sure he didn't read the poll incorrectly. I'm still baffled by that figure and won't bother to explain why Gwynn should be in the Hall, because I'll be preaching to the choir here.

Especially because I know the choir is concerned at how much Yellow had to die to make that '83 Fleer rookie.

But I wanted to point out, once again, how stupid people can be, and I think the mission has been accomplished today.

As for the Sammy Sosa support, I'll pretend I didn't read that.

Punch AJ, Part 2

No that photo to the left is not a misprint. Nor is it a photoshop project I made Tony do. It is a photo of an "altercation" between our very own World Series MVP David Eckstein and White Sox catcher AJ Pierzynski at an NWA-TNA wrestling pay-per-view this past Sunday.

Here is a recap from the Miami Herald, an actual newspaper, which has a wrestling section on their website:

Catcher A.J. Pierzynski of the 2005 world champion Chicago White Sox picked a
fight with World Series MVP David Eckstein of the 2006 world champion St. Louis Cardinals during the TNA pay-per-view Turning Point on Sunday, Dec. 10 from Universal Studios Orlando.

Pierzynski had a shoving match with Eckstein. Pierzynski's pal Dale Torborg, the strength and conditioning coach for the White Sox and formerly the Demon in WCW, slugged Eckstein's brother, Rick, a minor league coach.

''Dale and I were a little upset that they got the big entrance, yet we just got introduced from the [seats]. Plus, they got the [entrance] music, and we didn't,'' Pierzynski said. "It was a little disappointing. We got a little jealous, so we took out our frustrations on them.''

Pierzynski and Torborg tore Eckstein's new inspirational children's book, Have Heart, which led to the pull-apart.

''As a kid, I always enjoyed wrestling,'' said Eckstein. "All that went down. Wow. That was unbelievable. Things got a bit heated with A.J."

"When you step into the ring, you're stepping outside your comfort zone. I can handle playing in front of 45,000 [baseball] fans, but going out in front of the TNA Wrestling fans who always want to see action, I was nervous.''

So far I've made none of this up.

NWA-TNA promises that this feud is not over and that we should tune in to their show this Thursday on Spike TV to see what happens next.


Doing a little investigative work on this, Brian Stull, host of The Stranglehold (KFNS 590), asked Eckstein about his role in the wrestling ring. Eckstein said that he will not be involved in wrestling an actual match, but said that there is something in the works for this story. He hinted that his brother Rick could be wrestling in the grudge match, as well as AJ Pierzynski.

By the looks of this picture, AJ and his gut will be a force to be reckoned with, no matter who he wrestles.

I'll anxiously be following TNA wrestling for the next couple weeks to see how this plays out. I'm glad our MVP shortstop is using his time doing something worthwhile during the offseason.

Oh, and be sure to pre-order the bertflex.com "David Flex-stein" shirt coming soon!

Out-Of-Context Quote of the Year

"We're disappointed, because we like Jesus a lot, but we'll see how the process plays out," said Mets director of Minor League operations Adam Wogan.

Monday Night Beatdown

Are you ready for some beatdown?!?! The BertFlex.com crew is having an official outing to watch the Rams get killed by the Bears this monday night. The game starts at 7:30 and we'll be hanging out at Buffalo Wild Wings on Olive.

This outing, as most others, will consist of shit-talkin', talking about fantasy sports, being sad that baseball is on offseason, and laughing at how bad the Rams are. But wait, there's more! I'm throwing in ABSOLUTELY FREE that I'll probably get really bad service AND yell at least one obscenity really loud. I know you already can't believe what a great deal this is, but we're not done yet. As one of the new BertFlex.com marketing campaigns, Shaun will be giving away free BertFlex.com jerseys to drunk girls who will make out with each other and let him take pictures. You do not want to miss out. Act today! Don't let another minute go you by!

If this sounds like a tolerable way to spend a monday night, come on down. Try to let one of us know so that we can get a large enough table to handle the millions (AND MILLIONS) of BertFlex.com fans. You'll also get a chance to have input into our next marketing campaign, "The Shawons". What is "The Shawons" you ask? You'll have to come out and see. I'll see YOU at Wild Wings for Monday Night Beatdown!

My Elaborate Plan...Ruined

Unfortunately Barry Bonds has re-signed with the Giants to play at least one more season in the bigs. I say "unfortunately" because I spent months constructing the following plan, and was mere hours away from presenting it to Walt Jocketty and the Cardinals' brass.

It was a plan that would have brought one of the greatest professional athletes of all time to our city. And we blew it. Had this plan been carried out to perfection, I would have been known as the most awesome person in the history of the universe. But destiny was not on my side this time, thus I reveal my plan saddened by what could have been...

I’ve had hopes that we sign free agent-to-be Barry Bonds since the end of the 2006 season. Because of the baggage, I will assume that no one bites on Barry right away and we give him about $7 million to play left in 2007. The huge marketing campaign begins immediately about how he’s going to break the home run record as a Cardinal. If you like baseball history at all, can you imagine him hitting #756—in a Cardinal uniform!

Spring training goes really well and the players and coaching staff all talk about how much they love Bonds and can’t wait to get the season started with him on the club.

Then comes opening day, April 1st. Luckily the game vs. the Mets is on ESPN for everyone to witness this historic moment. There is a buzz in the air as Barry Freakin’ Bonds is about to make his debut as a Cardinal.

Starter Chris Carpenter is done with his warmup pitches and we’re ready to go. He takes the sign from Molina, and just as he’s about to throw the first pitch of the season, Tony LaRussa calls time from the dugout.

He points out to left field and starts waving Bonds in. Then looks to his right and says "Schumaker, go in." That’s right, Barry gets pulled for Skip Schumaker before a pitch is thrown.

As Barry takes the 250 foot walk of shame into the Cardinals' dugout, everyone in the stadium pelts him with batteries, VCR's, or any other objects of their choice. And there's no doubt that the fans of Cardinal Nation would deliver the loudest boos ever recorded in the history of mankind. We'd even fly in some fans from Philly, New York, and Scotland, in order to guarantee that the fans delivered enough hate.

At this point you probably don't think it could get better, but trainer Barry Weinberg has a suitcase already packed for Bonds sitting on the top step of the dugout. Peace out Barry, you are officially retired.


I know I’m a jerk, but it would have been the best 7 million ever spent.

Your New Hero

I know that many of our supporters enjoy a cold brew every now and again (and again). In fact, it may shock you to learn that a few of our contributors have been known to get really drunk at wedding receptions, but I'm not in the business of naming names, Josh. To the left, I present, your newest hero. Undetered by the small glasses of beer provided to him, this dude takes beer drinking to its logical conclusion. While I applaud him for that, I can neither confirm nor deny if he is related to Tony Siragusa.

I now issue a challenge to any BertFlex drinkers out there. I think that the "Waterfall" method employed by our friend here has a chance to revolutionize the drinking industry as we know it. I'm willing to offer a reward of $10 to the first of our contributors or friends of the site who can successfully Waterfall 4 beers to completion. In fact, if you decide to take the challenge while we're doing one of our remotes, I'll even pay for the 4 beers provided that you succeed in your mission. And if you're real crazy and think you can do 5, there may be a BertFlex.com jersey in it for you.

Unkie Walt

At least one General Manager has had his head on straight this postseason, and thankfully, it's good ol' Walt Jocketty. Unkie Walt hasn't overpaid for Juan Pierre, Ted Lilly, Alfonso "Backwards K" Soriano, or even JD Boo. One GM that has a small tendancy to over pay? Beantown's own Theo Epstein. Between playing with his Speak and Spell and watching Real World/Road Rules Challenge, Theo decided to pick up the phone. Who was on the other end? The silver hair wonder, Walt Jocketty.

Walt Jocketty: Wow Theo! $70 million for JD Drew?
Theo Epstein: Yeah, we had it laying around. Found some of it in the Green Monster. Looked like Manny left a paycheck in there when he must have climbed in there once last year.
WJ: You know, I just wanted to give you some advice on JD. He’s terrible.
TE: I know you are, but what am I?
WJ: What?
TE: Walt, do you like Legos?
WJ: (mumbles)
TE: Legos. Do you like Legos?
WJ: I don’t care about Legos. I just wanted to warn you tha---
TE: I’m building a ship for show and tell tomorrow. John Henry grades me on my projects. I meant to add you on MySpace, but I couldn’t find you. What’s your screen name?
WJ: My what?
TE: Screen name on MySpace. Jeez Walt! Mine is Beantowngeek.
WJ: Look, Theo…I really don’t give a shit about Legos and your ship or project or whatever the hell you kids do these days. JD isn’t worth it.
TE: Walt?
WJ: What!
TE: Do you want to say bye to Manny? We had a sleep over last night. **Hey Manny, Walt wants to say hi. And you left your sleeping bag over here. I’ll get Finding Nemo back to you before Christmas.** Ok Walt? Manny had to go. He does this all the time. He just gets up and wants to leave. So what were we talking about? Oh, did you hear that Steinbrenner’s daughter dumped Mike Mussina’s uncle’s cousin? I heard it from Ted Lilly, who heard it from Jaret Wright on his way out.

WJ: Theo, I am trying to do you a favor. JD plays less than Shawn Green on Yom Kippur. We signed Chris Carpenter for cheaper than what you just signed JD for, and Carp won the Cy Young! You are an idiot.
TE: Did you hear that? It sounded like someone picked up... Mom?
Mom: Theo, come down for dinner. I need you to set the table.
TE: Mom, I’ll be down in a second. Can you pour my milk in my sip cup?
Mom: Theo, you didn’t do your chores. I have to take away your allowance for the week.
TE: Dammit!
Mom: Watch your mouth young man! You’re grounded. Get down here right now. Who are you on the phone with anyway?
WJ: Hello Mrs. Epstein.
Mom: Is this that Walter boy you talked to Theo? I just love him. Why don’t you come over for dinner Walter?
TE: It’s meatloaf, Walt. She makes some great meatloaf.
WJ: I really wish that I could, but I need to find some pitchers.
TE: Why don’t you go after Antonio Alfonseca? He has six fingers. Could you just imagine having six fingers? That would be pretty cool.
WJ: Too bad he’s terrible. Even Jim Hendry got rid of him. I don’t want any Cubs rejects. You can only go to the well so many times and be successful.
TE: Could you dig up Greg Maddux?
WJ: It just came across the wire that he signed with the Padres. I need some damn pitching. I just don’t know about Kip Wells as a number two.
Mom: Theo, get down here. Dinner is done!
TE: I’ll be down in a minute Mom! Hey Walt, look for me on Xbox around ten. I know it’s a school night, but I need to play Gears of War. I’m right at the end. Maybe we can Co-op and beat General Raam?
WJ: What in the hell are you talking about?
TE: Did I happen to leave my PSP in the box after the World Series in ’04? I still haven’t been able to find it.
WJ: No clue. That Busch Stadium isn’t around anymore. We moved next door to the new Busch.
TE: Wow, two places with the same name? HA, that’s smart! What is Busch anyway?
WJ: Beer Theo. Beer. You will be able to buy it when you turn 21.

Son of a...

Damnit. While you guys were drooling over buffalo wings (and oh yeah, hot models!) last night, the Boston Red Sox were busy wrapping up a 5-year, $70 million deal with J.D. BOO. Most of you guys know that I have always had an inexplicable crush on the Drewster, but I feel like he has now broken my heart. Let's face it, the only way he could have hurt me more was to go to the Cubbies or the Yanks. And to answer the obvious question, no, I won't become a Red Sox fan. J.D. is set to make $14 million a year for the first 4 years, but less the 5th year if he doesn't play a certain amount of games. Here's what ESPN's Jerry Crasnick thought of the J.D./City of Boston pairing...

"On paper, this might be the worst union of star and town since Paris Hilton dropped into Altus, Ark., for a reality show paycheck. Drew's roots go back to Hahira, Ga., a one-yellow-caution-light town known primarily for its Honey Bee festival. Very soon, he'll enter a world of short-tempered waitresses, middle fingers at traffic intersections and dissection by radio talk-show caller."

Word.