Follow Protocol

It's 2/4. It's Wednesday. It's time for you to check insideSTL for this week's column.

It's kind of about Groundhog Day. It's kind of about Bill DeWitt being cheap. It kind of infers that Chris Duncan leaves Roxy's at 8:30am every morning.

Oh, and it's kind of hard to write about stuff when nothing is going on. Come on Cardinals, help a brother out. Even if it's bad business, trade all the OF's and sign Manny, just for me.

As for the Flex, we're approaching the 10-day mark. We'll see if I can get it all out of my system before then.

Have a good day and thanks for reading.

Mmm...E-Bacon

So you think you had it all figured out? You combined your bacon with vodka. Then you combined bacon with chocolate. Then bacon with turduckens, cheese, and cinnamon rolls. Nothing could stop you.

But the one thing you forgot was the um...the uh, internets.

If you'd like to add bacon to any website, all you need to do is put http://bacolicio.us/ in front of any URL, and this is what you get:


Having a slice of bacon on your computer screen is pretty cool, but it makes me really hungry. And it gets in the way of the porn.

Tyler Greene Goes To Camp

Cardinals prospect Tyler Greene recently went to some career developmental program for the youngsters. His favorite part? The lesbian make-out session.


There's more where that came from Tyler. Word on the street is that Crush Drunkan needs some new blood to drive him to Penthouse every night. Now if you want some career development, that's how you do it, kid.

Stripes: Not For Everyone

In all the hubbub of watching (or not watching) the Super Bowl on Sunday, you might have missed some north of the border grossness. The Montreal Canadiens decided to do this for their game vs. Boston:



If you didn't poop your pants in disgust, maybe this will help (socks too!):



Note to the Habs: Robert Lang is walking in the right direction with these bad boys. Yeesh. And because I know Sir and Big Head will be in an eBay battle for these in about 20 minutes, here is the link to save some time. Unfortunately this particular jersey isn't up as of press time, but give it another day or so. Then go seek psychiatric help.

The Bert Flex Baseball Nickname Glossary

Now that we're in the Willie-Mays-in-a-Mets-jersey stages of Bert Flex, I'd like to do a little housekeeping on one post that I've had buried in the drafts since last summer.

(Okay, maybe Willie Mays is too good of a comp. Let's say we're in the Jermaine-Allensworth-in-a-Mets-jersey stages. Hey it actually happened.)

I've been wanting to unleash all, or at least all I could think of, our baseball nicknames. Some probably warrant further explanation. Some are probably blatantly racist. Some are gold/some are stupid. But I'll just list the nickname and the player, and we'll leave it like that. Hope you don't like capital letters; here goes:

big donkey - adam dunn

pat the girl - pat burrell

chocolate cheesecake (+ other variations) - c.c. sabathia

crush drunkan - chris duncan

bert flex - albert pujols

hurt flex - mark prior

mark flexsherra - mark teixeira

yo mtv gallardo - yovanni gallardo

larry the crime donkey - chipper jones

shoes - carl crawford

frankenstein/harangatang - aaron harang

charlie murphy - juan encarnacion (no "lazy eye" jokes, you bastards)

ryan dumpster - ryan dempster

chris black young - chris b. young (d'backs version)

chris white young - chris young (padres)

monsta - jose reyes

miggy - miguel cabrera

o-crab - orlando cabrera

napoleon - john lackey (gosh!)

CaZam - carlos zambrano

flyin' hawaiian - shane victorino

j-roll...phenominal - jimmy rollins

gay rod - alex rodriguez

hebrew hammer - ryan braun

victurd fartinez - victor martinez

russ the bus - russell branyan

russell the muscle - russell martin

saltalamacho man - jarrod saltalamacchia

paul lodooky - paul loduca

noodle arms - joe mauer

"razor" ramon hernandez

black donkey - ryan howard

fat lance - lance berkman

pauly walnuts - paul konerko

meat hook - dmitri young

so terrible - so taguchi

mud butley - chase utley

dan struggla/thuggla - dan uggla

"stickie" rickie weeks

o-dog - orlando hudson

THE RIOT - ryan theriot

flip lopez - felipe lopez

chone/auto chone - chone (somehow pronounced "shawn") figgins

cuban mike - mike lowell

crushin russian - kevin kouzmanoff

ha ha ha, me so funny - ichiro (not really a nickname, but we just say that whenever ichiro is shown on tv)

hankie b. - hank blalock

not enough mustard for that hot dog - derek jeter

j-honny - jhonny peralta

great white hope - khalil greene

little davey no-arm - david eckstein


player(s) who don't need nicknames
-jack cust

Sunday Night Check-In

Time: 8:17 pm

Do you ever see the Super Bowl ratings and wonder, "Who are the idiots that don't watch the fucking Super Bowl?" For one year - and hopefully one year only - that idiot is me.

Not because I am in jail or anything, just because of a lack of interest late in the day. No two-second scoreboard checks, no peeking at espn, no food, no commercials - nothing.

Going back through the memory bank, the last Super Bowl I didn't watch was XXIII (23 for the non-Roman speaking Flexers). SB24 was the first one I watched, and I've seen 'em all since. I'm assuming twenty years ago there was an A-Team marathon on, which preoccupied my little seven year old eyes.

Hopefully this wasn't the greatest game of all time. I'll leave it up to Sir to let me know how it went. All wasn't lost tonight though; the BFHQ dishes are done and the trash is in the dumpster. Yup. Feel free to shoot me at any time...

update: 11:05 pm - I finally broke down and watched the highlights. Whoops.

Let It Sink In One More Time: We Have Brett Wallace

A lot of baseball prospect talk has hit the internet recently, and here at BFHQ, we're still getting over reading scouting reports on Low-A 19 year old pitchers who may or may not make an impact on our 2014 fantasy baseball teams. Before you ask, why yes - that is important stuff. How useful would it be if we knew a lot about literature or how to fix cars?

A few weeks ago Baseball 'Mericah's Cardinal top 10 list was released.

It goes a little something like this:

1. Colby Rasmus, of
2. Brett Wallace, 3b
3. Chris Perez, rhp
4. Jess Todd, rhp
5. Bryan Anderson, c
6. Clayton Mortensen, rhp
7. Daryl Jones, of
8. Jason Motte, rhp
9. David Freese, 3b
10. Pete Kozma, ss

No big surprises on the players listed. I think 4 through 8 can be shifted around a bit, but nothing to get upset about. Oh and congrats to Pistol Pete Kozma for cracking the list! I wonder where Rick Porcello would have ranked...

I believe BA's Top 100 will be out within a couple weeks, so be on the lookout. Unless you don't spend half your life infatuated with 18-22 year old boys who play baseball. It's a choice I made a long time ago, and my parents are fine with that.

Moving on, ESPN's Keith Law came out with his own top 100 last week. An excellent recap of how Rasmus, Wallace, Jones, and Perez ranked was written by Gabe Kiley on insideSTL last Friday. I probably would have done the same, but the rankings weren't out yet. Really guys, I would have worked hard too!

As a preview, the last line of Wallace's report: Brett Wallace will hit.

But one thing I feel like sharing is a little more analysis from K-Law, mostly because he introduced me to the word NASTYGRAM in his description of A's prospect Trevor Cahill. From here on out, I consult my Nastygram before making any life decision.

Here is what Law had to say about the Cardinals in his post-list chat on espn.com last Thursday:

Tim (STL, MO): Klaw, I like to see where you ranked the Cardinals org in your rankings. Because the Cards seem to be short on high upside, but have a lot of fill-in types, do you think they should alter their strategy to go after more toolsy guys, or stick with whats working now?

Keith Law: (1:06 PM ET ) Given the depth in their system, it's a good time for them to take some more risks in the draft, but I don't blame them for taking Wallace when he slipped to them.

Corey (Missouri): There was a story just posted at Stl Today saying that Troy Glaus just had shoulder surgery and may not be ready for opening day. Who would you put in at third in his place if you were the Cardinals? Craig, Freese, Wallace, Mather?

Keith Law: (1:59 PM ET ) Probably Freese. That's pretty aggressive for Wallace; I don't doubt he could handle it at the plate, but he hasn't had much chance to work with their coaches on his D.

Rick (Chars, MO): If you were only judging based on offensive potential approximately where would Brett Wallace place among prospects (thinking from a fantasy baseball standpoint)? Thank you

Keith Law: (2:01 PM ET ) Top ten.

Kevin (St. Louis): Gotta agree about Joyce. Trying to wade through "Portrait" right now and it is brutal. Anyway, what do you think the chances of Jess Todd becoming a middle of the rotation starter?

Keith Law: (2:23 PM ET ) He's a reliever for me. It's all sliders.


Sweet. Jess Todd, apparently the fourth best player in the system, is destined to be a relief pitcher. Good job Cardinals. Besides that, the lesson in today's story is to always check the Nastygram...and Brett Wallace rakes the universe.

The End.

A Wonderful, Magical Animal

Hey it's Friday. We're pretty much giving you our two weeks notice with this post. You'll have to go elsewhere to hear about new and innovative ways to eat bacon, soooo good luck with that.

I'll try to squeeze in as much bacon news as I can up until Valentine's Day, so let's start with something called The Bacon Explosion.

As always, the description will get you all tingly:

The Bacon Explosion is a massive torpedo-shaped amalgamation of two pounds of bacon woven through and around two pounds of sausage.

Unfortunately we don't get a look at the inside of the finished product, but here is how the whole concoction appears on a grill after being cooked to a tasty perfection of X-Plosion!



One might suggest it would probably be easier to just eat a full pig, without having to bother figuring out what's the bacon part and what's the sausage part (no 'that's what she said' jokes). But what's the fun in that? Look how awesome that amalgamation is! Excuse me while I look up the definition of amalgamation.

As I told reporters earlier, one of my favorite things that I've never tried is woven bacon. How awesome of an idea is that? Truly one of the best innovations in food history. The Bacon Explosion gets an approval stamp from the BertFlex Board of Approval.

Megan Fox Tries To Win Someone Over

In the April installment of Who's Shitty, our own Sir wrote an infamous answer to my question about the lovely Megan Fox.

Flashback...

Bonus Question:
HMW (mowing T. McKernan's lawn) - Tony, I read last week that Megan Fox was named the "World's Sexiest Woman" by FHM. I don't know much about this young lass, but her pictures are top notch. Give me a scouting report on Miss Fox and some projections. Is she more Ben Grieve #1 (1998) or A-Rod #1 (1995)?

I don't know if I can really get behind this pick. She doesn't have that projectability I'm really looking for with a #1 overall pick. She lacks a true "plus" tool that would allow me to get really excited about her. Due to that, she has kind of an "ordinary" look about her, and not the hot kind of ordinary you get from someone like an Alyson Hannigan, who I list as one of her comparables. I think this was a need-based pick, to try and generate a spark on offense for FHM, rather than taking the best player available. In my mock draft, I had Alba, Hazell, and Johansson as my top 3, so I was shocked when they went with Fox. She's definitely in Grieve territory. Megan Fox... Shitty.

/Flashback

So here we are nine month later, Meggy tries to win him over by shredding some Guitar Hero at some douche's house:

A very valiant attempt, but I'm not sure if that's enough. None of the other pics have her wearing less clothes.

If you're into that kind of thing, you could try these pics of her instead (highly recommended by me/probably not by your boss).

Where Can I Get My Haircut Now?

Well, fuck.

Kevin Slaten is drooling now.


(editor's note: the opinions expressed by Big Head don't reflect the official stance of HMW, which was stolen from the official stance of Sir. Manny in LF for the Cardinals needs to happen)

Snow'd Up

You're probably doing two things now. You're either sitting at home in the warmth of your house, nuzzled up in your blanket, next to crates of bread and milk you bought from the store because Channel 2 said to stock up. Or you're at the office, miserable. Probably late. Probably sleepy, grumpy and still cold.

But what better way to celebrate a lovely snowstorm than by reading some stuff that I wrote for another site? Check out this week's InsideSTL article, discussing a few things I'd ask Cardinals GM John Mozeliak if given the chance. And no, "do you wanna play MLB Front Office Manager with me?" wasn't on the list. But yes, I would do the Hadley impression if interviewing him in-person (lemme tell you dis rye now Ron Mozzeljack...)

Coming Soon: Another John Cena Blockbuster

During an impromptu wrasslin-watchin' session last night, we caught the brand new trailer for John Cena's new movie 12 Blocks. I asked Sir to give me the over/under on number of explosions that would be in the trailer. We didn't really know what type of movie this was, but it's a WWE Films/John Cena movie. Drama: 0% chance. Comedy: 7% chance. Action: 10000% chance!!!

Sir's over/under was six, so I insta-called the over. Big mistake on his part, though the line was made under pressure. At least I ran up the score on him towards the end to make it worth his while.

Skip past the Santino portion of this clip and see for yourself:



I especially liked when the ocean exploded. I believe that's the moment Sir realized defeat. BOOM fishes!!



March 27th - be there!

Today's The Day

Are you looking for a video game that has all the nail-biting excitement of NFL Head Coach? You'd figure a game that lets you schedule meetings with your tight ends coach and review game film (of a game you didn't get to play) would be hard to top. But today you ought to go out and let MLB Front Office Manager ruin your life.

Unfortunately you can't actually hit the X button to swing the bat or throw a ball. It's all you sitting on your couch (well, you'd do that anyway), evaluating stats, developing your franchise - majors and minors, and partaking in the lavish lifestyle that John Mozeliak leads...minus the rage-filled online chats with your fans.

At BFHQ we own a bunch of gaming systems, but not an XPAC 360 or PS3, so we won't be joining in the fun just yet. I think MLBFOM would be fun, but like most games, is the staying power really there?

A couple years ago I bought a poker video game. Within two or three hours of playing (not even all in one sitting), I beat the "toughest" tournament in the game. Thanks for that one level difficulty meter guys.

So I ask: what's the point? I suppose some people would want to see how awesome it is to participate in our Hardcore Fantasy League. The difference is that the HCL takes blood, sweat, tears, and violence to win first place. MLBFOM takes a Saturday afternoon away from your girlfriend*.

Though, if you want, I can write down "Yes, you're a fuckin' genius" on a piece of paper and that could save you a ton of time.

*explanation of this asterisk not necessary

Boring Stuff: A Big List of Hot Chicks

This is one of those days where all the internet research I do for you all feels like a hard-working, grueling job.

Have fun checking out Ask Men's list of their Top 99 Women. Like me, you should do this for research purposes. I mean, if someone in your church choir or a fellow soup kitchen volunteer asks you about Denise Milani, how silly are you going to feel if you have no idea who she is (#33)? Think about it.

Lists like this will always spark debates among dudes, and this one is no exception. Eva Mendes is their #1 woman. While "some people" may have enjoyed Ms. Mendes in movies such as We Own the Night in which she was shown pleasuring herself in the opening minutes, "some people" don't believe she's #1. Give me, er them, Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, or Megan Fox over Eva Mendes.

To each his own though, and since this is my post, here are pics of Jessica Biel's ass. Happy Friday:

...And Rick's New Look

A couple days ago we showed you a pic of Chris Carpenter's new look that he revealed at the Winter Warm-Up. In "better late than never" fashion, I missed the new skeezy look that Rick Ankiel debuted as well:


This photo was taken between 11am and 1pm Sunday, so we're assuming the Winter Warm-Up's downtown location was a convenient little walk for Slick Rick after church a long night of Jagerbombs and skank hunting. Fuckin' gametime.

Why I Love MLB Network

Saddam Hussein and former Cubs 1bagger, Luis Salazar. Who's seen them in the same place? Just sayin'.

Our Keys to Victory: Work Edition

On every pregame show, the announcers like to talk about their "Keys to Victory" for each team. It pretty much lays out obvious things that each team needs to do in order to win that particular game (example: before the Cardinals/Eagles game Sunday, Troy Aikman said Philly's keys are 1) the defense must step up and 2) Westbrook and McNabb must have big games. Really Troy? The D, RB and QB need to play well? That's unheard of, but since you're on TV, I have no other option but to trust you).

Anyway, whenever you have a shitty day at work, here are my keys to turning your day around and coming out with a victory:

1) Leave work
2) Go to Wendy's
3) Eat Wendy's
4) Pass the fuck out for three hours

Do that. You win.

But be sure to wake up in time to write your InsideSTL columns before deadline. Speaking of, here is this week's article, poking more fun at Crush Drunkan's expense.

Another side note: I'm rapidly becoming a big fan of Wendy's Double Stacks. Like all fast food pics, the photo above is a little generous, but they are damn tasty. It makes up for the price hike on the chicken nuggets (now $1.19).

Carp's New Look

Had I known Scott Ian of Anthrax was going to be at the Winter Warm-Up this weekend, I might have gone...

Fantasy Baseball Shit-Talk Season is Coming

It's never too early to start shit-talking to your friends about the upcoming fantasy baseball season. I came up with one idea over the weekend.

After seeing a commercial for ITT Tech's School of Drafting and Design, I realized it would be awesome to suggest to your opponent(s) that they should sign up and try to learn something from their School of Drafting. But words are words, and people may forget things like that. I felt a little more knife-twisting was possible, so I did my research.

If you go to ITT Tech's website, you can request a brochure in the mail. My suggestion is to request one for each person in your league, and hand-deliver them all. That way you can see their face after you bust on them for needing to go to a School of Drafting. Throw in a line like "I would be happy to teach you how to draft, but you've been watching me for years and never picked up anything. I wouldn't want a difficult student like yourself."

It's all about the effort. Watch and learn.

Rickey Be Rickey Hasn't Lost a Step

When it comes to Rickey Henderson, I'm really torn on my feelings towards him. The big case against him is the I'm the greatest of all time speech in front of Lou Brock. That was the king of all dick moves, and coming from the dick move experts, that's saying something.

Unfortunately I have a soft spot in my heart for Rickey, since he was the driving force behind many a wins at RBI Baseball II in the early 90's. Not to mention all the great Rickey quotes and stories over the years.

So when Henderson was elected to the Hall of Fame last week, I skimmed a couple articles about him, one of which said he's still willing to play - every day - for a Major League team in 2009. But buried within the article was, in my mind, one of Rickey's best quotes to date. It's short and sweet, and here's how the conversation went:

Reporter: Rickey, would you like to play in the WBC?

Rickey: What's that? Wrestling?


Good job Rickey, you've redeemed yourself.