Out Of Context Quote of the Day

"Mr. Clemens, according to your account, Mr. McNamee injected your wife in your bedroom without your knowledge."

I Love...Lamp.

Hey everyone, I'd like to wish you all a Happy Valentine's Day from the sweetie pies at BertFlex. Believe it or not, some members of this site have convinced actual females to not only put up with our crap, but have serious relationships with us too. What are they thinking, right?

I know women are always looking for ways to get into the male brain and try to figure out what's going on in there. It's not that hard really, but honestly we can't wait for V-Day to be over with and think about more critical things in our lives.

Don't worry, ladies, you still have a gift coming, but here are 5 things that we really love about this time of year (in no particular order):


1) March Madness in T minus 30 days; drunken debauchery follows.

2) Jack in the Box Tacos (not festive, but a staple of any "things we love" list).

3) The weather is almost warm enough for sandlot, wiffleball, and BBQ!

4) Fantasy Freakin' Baseball!

5) Another year of watching this guy mash.



Not surprisingly, "girls in skanky lingerie" barely missed the cut. We're dorks, that's how we roll.

Confirmed: Herbie Hancock is a Real Person?

So I'm watching the Grammy's on Sunday and saw that the nominees for "Album of the Year" included one Herbie Hancock. Anybody who grew up in the Chris Farley era knows that the phrase "Herbie Hancock" comes from the movie Tommy Boy, in which Farley responds to David Spade's request "I need your John Hancock..." with "everybody knows it's Herbie Hancock."

All these years I kind of figured Herbie was a real person and not just a funny name made up by the genius of Chris Farley. But here we are in the year 2008 and he wins the freakin' Grammy for Album of the Year over the likes of Kanye West and Amy Winehouse. Congrats to Herbie for finally stepping out of the shadow of being the guy known as a cheesy line in Tommy Boy. I guess.

-Every time I see a photo or video of Ms. Winehouse, I get the hunkerin' for a death pool. She has rapidly climbed the rankings and is now officially the A-Rod of death pools (or is she the Keith Hernandez of our generation, or both?). I think if we ever finalize an idea for the SuperDraft (the all sports fantasy league) we'll have to throw a death pool in there for good measure.

-I'm glad that radio stations aren't in charge of handing out Grammy's, or else the winner list would look like this:

Best New Artist: Soulja Boy
Record of Year: Soulja Boy
Best Collaboration of Anything, Ever: Soulja Boy
Coolest Thing for 14 Year Old White Kids to Dance to: Soulja Boy
etc.

-I was really hoping for another Kanye West explosion after Herbie Hancock won for Album of the Year. The music he puts out is good and all, but the shit-talking he does is truly beautiful. Some might call it complaining or bragging, but when the BertFlex Shit-Talky Award ballots are sent out, I'll find his name first and be done.

Phrases That Induce Vomiting: Skate to Neck

In case you haven't heard about it, that's a picture of Olie Jokinenon botching the Iron Lotus ("Blades of Glory" reference) last night, with Richard Zednik on the receiving end. From the announcer, "I've never seen that much blood so quickly."

The report from TSN: "Florida Panthers forward Richard Zednik was taken off the ice in Sunday's game against the Buffalo Sabres after taking a skate to his neck. With the Sabres leading 4-3 midway through the third period, linemate Olli Jokinen - who was being checked in the Sabres' zone - fell forward and his skate accidently caught Zednik's neck. Zednik bled profusely from his neck, but was able to skate toward his bench where he was met by the trainer and immediately ushered to the locker room."

Zednik underwent successful surgery last night and is resting comfortably this morning. He is listed in stable condition.

For those who are morbid like me, there are stills available from SBA: Number 1 and Number 2 and video available from The Hockey Herald.

Firsthand account from Deadspin poster KellyHelene: "I was at the game, sitting right by the spot where he was hit. If you ever have opportunity to sit with 18,000 people in a single room who are all wondering if they just saw a man's last moments, well... I'd pass on the expierence. They couldn't even get all the blood off the ice. The game really shouldn't have gone on."

My question after watching the video and looking at the stills, how the FUCK did he skate over to the bench after that?!?! Well, time for lunch!

UPDATE: a photo that really captures the situation....check out the reactions of the fans...

How Did We Miss This?

Here is the official website for the National Cattlemen's Foundation Collegiate Beef Quiz Bowl. That's right... I said BEEF QUIZ BOWL... as in Quiz Bowl, topic: BEEF! How such a spectacular event escaped our collective recognition is beyond me. It all went down this past weekend in Nashville, TN; a perfect place for the Beef Quiz Bowl. Those might be my favorite words in the english language right now... Beef. Quiz. Bowl.

From the website: "The students answer a series of questions about all aspects of beef cattle and the beef industry. The range of questions can include physiology, nutrition, reproduction, meat science, basic production information, and current events affecting the beef industry." There's a Meat Science?!?! Why didn't I major in this instead of this stupid computer stuff?

THE Penn State University escaped with a narrow and hard fought victory (not really, I'm trying to make it sound exciting) over Michigan State, Texas A&M and Utah State. I think the Big Ten's slogan next year should be "Eff football, WE KNOW BEEF!"

And now... my favorite part of the entire website... check out the Michigan State squad...

... yes, I know it's probably not nearly as awesome as I'm imagining, but quit ruining my fantasy you jerks! Any team of chicks that can make the Final Four of the Beef Quiz Bowl is alright with me.

XLII Recap: I'm Fat

Once again, I'll spare you any expert analysis, since you can go to a credible website and have the X's and O's broken down for you. Here are my Super Bowl notes:

-The commercials were terrible overall. The Will Ferrell one was top notch though. A couple others were good, but nobody really brought the funny this year. Angelina Jolie brought the "damn" in the Wanted trailer.

-So when I spoke to Tony during halftime, I said that I was still able to walk around and function naturally. After a productive second half, I am no longer able to do that. GBC is still the undefeated champion of desserts (GBC/Desserts = '72 Dolphins/Football = Josh Lohnes/Drinking).

-Another year, another 0-fer in the squares games. And I would have lost a billion dollars if I bet on the game. I would have gladly given 11.5 points and gone all in on the Patriots. This is case #761581 why it's good that I don't bet on football.

-I really really wish the Giants would have tried to score on the last play with 1 second left. I hate Tom Coughlin almost as much as Belichick, and I thought he was a big enough d-bag to do it. I know coach Pellegrino agrees with me (who I'm sure would go for 2 with no time left and a thousand people on the field).

-3/4 of the game sucked, but it was a stellar 4th quarter. However, any time I see a highlight of the Scott Norwood miss (SB25), along with the Vinatieri make (SB36), I automatically have to label this the worst televised program in the history of the universe. I hate you FOX, I hope you die.

-Tom Brady, you suck...but you're still a winner in "Life."






Dat is not FlexTime

Chapter Four of "The BertFlex Guide to Living"

How to have a great night:

1.) Play in a poker tournament ($25 buy-in) where the beer, soda, and CHILI DOGS are included.

2.) Finish 3rd in said tournament (of 126) and win $100

3.) Enjoy a victory sack of White Castles at 1:30 AM because you're the fuckin' poker master.

BertFlex Strikes

Who's Shitty

Hello ladies and gentlemen, Happy New Year and welcome to another installment of the "Who's Shitty" fantasy report, your premier source for fantasy baseball opinions. Tony Pellegrino, webmaster and fantasy expert will check the mailbag and answer all your fantasy questions. We have picked five more questions this month, so hopefully yours will get answered. If you're lucky, Tony might call your favorite fantasy player "Shitty," which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the bertflex glossary).

Keeping up with our pals at yahoo.com and cbssportsline.com, here is a badass picture of Tony, the "Touchdown Jesus" of Illini hockey.

Ah, Hey-Zeus. I like him very much. But he no help with hockey. I ask Headbanger to come. Take fear from hockey sticks. I offer him KFC and Taco Bell. He will come.

1. Erik (STL) - A penny for your thoughts on Rickie "Be Rickie" Weeks?

Everyone has been telling me for years that this is the year Sticky Weeks is going to blow up the world. And yes, Brewers Guy, I know you think he was the greatest college second baseman EVAR. To that, I say... well I say many things, such as "There's plenty of great college second basemen out there... they're called SHORTSTOPS!" and "You must don't know nuthin bout second base. Mashin' Marshall MacDougal is the greatest second baseman in the history of the universe." In conclusion, Icky Weeks is shitty until he shows me otherwise.

2. C. Utley (Philly) - Hey Tony, remember when 2B was just me and poopy guys like Adam Kennedy and Aaron Miles? Who are your top 5 second basemen for the '08 season? Any sleepers?

Wow, is this the Second Base Show or something? Fine, Mud Buttley, I'll humor you.
Official Who's Shitty second base rankings:
1) Chase Utley
2) B.J. Upton
3) Robbie Cano
4) Brian Roberts (a trade to the Cubs makes him #2)
5) Brandon Phillips

I think Kinsler can put together a solid full season this year and I'm excited to see what Matt Antonelli, the kid from SD, can do. Kelly Johnson is another nice young player.

3. jeremy (stl) - tony i know i asked you this question like last year or something but i thought since this isa new season and there are new rankings and players and other factors what do you think of this years closers is valverde going to be effective in houston or cordero in cincy who are the new japanese relevers i havent heard of any of them and mariano rivera is old but still better option than lidge and maybe izzy repeats his 2007 season

God Damnit Jeremy, could you once use some punctuation or I'll be forced to use some punch-you-ation! Ok, let's see if I can play "Crack the Code" with this horribly worded question:
Valverde goes from one hitter's park to another but expect an increase in his HR Rate; never good for a closer. Houston is way worse than Zona so his saves will drop. Cordero is going to get bombed in Cincy so don't overpay expecting a repeat of last year. No new Japs are going to be gaining closing jobs, but Yasuhiko Yabuta (KC) could get a shot if Soria falters.

I've never been a big Mariano guy and I don't think the Yankees are going to be a playoff team this year so beware. Lidge moves to a slightly better park and a much better team, so I'm willing to label him a high-risk sleeper. Izzy issy whaty he issy (3.25 ERA, 28-32 Sv), though the Cards are only going to win 72 games this season so beware.

Official Who's Shitty closer rankings:
1) Joe Mama Nathan
2) Jonny Papelbon
3) J.J. Putz
4) K-Rod
5) Mariano

4. Celebrity Sighting (where the celebrities are, duh) - I recently saw Anthony Reyes at the Clayton Chipotle. Would he be as valuable to my fantasy team serving spicy burritos as he would be pitching for the Cards?

This is such a loaded question... why is he eating at Chipotle when he's got all that scratch? Why is he in Clayton when he's going to spend 2008 in Memphis? Can you really put a price on someone serving you spicy burritos?

Okay, enough filloffosizing... The A-Train will never do dick in a Cardinals jersey. I hate that I have to say that because A-Train is my dogg. LaDuncan have ruined this kid and made sure that he will never succeed in this organization because he's a strikout guy that they're making "pitch to contact."

Here's a hint, Cardinals BrainTrust, I've never seen a seeing-eye strikeout. K's are good. The fact that the club high in K's in a game last season was 8 should tell you what you're doing wrong. It's been proven time and time again that a pitcher has little control over what happens to a baseball that stays in the park after it's been hit. Learn some damn math and come out of the dark ages. Groundballs with this infield are not a good thing. Flyballs with this outfield are not a good thing. K's are still good, no matter who is playing the field.

Fuck pitching to contact. Fuck LaDuncan. Fuck John Mozelak for not trading Reyes to Cleveland this offseason. Get him the hell out of this organization and let him throw somewhere that appreciates strikeouts. I hear the A's have a rotation spot open now that Danny Haren is a D-Back...

5. shaun (THE hazelwood west high school) - Tony, i'd kind of like to rent the movie "Good Luck Chuck" in order to confirm how hot Jessica Alba is. Unfortunately Dane Cook "stars" in the movie as well. What do i do?

You see, Shaun, the internet was invented because Jessica Alba is hot. Since it was created precisely for this situation, the internet is the best way to confirm said hotness.

Benefits:
You get to see Jessica Alba pictures.
Pictures don't require you to listen to her or Dang Cook.

Downside:
ZERO.

My message is clear. Thank you, Al Gore, for this beautiful miracle of the internets.

If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to shaunfanclub@hotmail.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years (none recently), so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.

Evan Longoria: Ladies' Choice

If there's anything the ladies love more than a guy with a complete collection of Simpsons DVDs -- well, obviously there's nothing the ladies love more than that. But running a close second is whoever ranks as the No. 1 MLB prospect in all of the land. Today, that man appears to be none other than Evan Longoria (at least according to Keith Law, whose mugshot has "perp" written all over it). 

So it should come as no surprise that Longoria was spotted in downtown St. Charles on Thursday night. Reports indicate that the future Rays 3B was running trains on some of Lindenwood's easiest co-eds.

"You know how it is," Longoria said. "Sluts want the horsecock that's got Keith Law's seal of approval. And I have that horsecock in these Levis you see before you."

Not everyone in the drinking establishment was smitten. One quite vocal young man wearing a shirt emblazoned with the likeness of Bill James insisted that Longoria wasn't "all that," pointing out that Baseball Prospectus ranked Jay Bruce No. 1. 

Longoria responded that Kevin Goldstein could "lick my balls when this fat bitch is done with them."

Predictions for 2008 Cardinals

Cardinals will have less arms than Iraq

Cardinals will score less than Justin at Bubby and Sissy's

Cesar Izturis just robbed a Brinks truck

Jim Edmonds thinks the Cardinals will strike out ALOT

The Royals laugh at the Cardinals' lineup

John Ulett, while on the mic, will turn and go "Who the fuck is at shortstop?". In turn, John Whodafuk will trot out and bat 8th.

Walt Jocketty will walk through the dugout, look at TLR, and slap him.

Bertflex will go yard 47 times...and set the record for solo homeruns in one season with 47.

John Mozeliak will scout Sandlot Slam and sign Tony to a contract of only Hardee's Thickburgers.

John Mozeliak will also win the first ever Robert Wadlow look alike contest defeating Wadlow himself!

The Cardinals will hire Ron Popeil to try to sell tickets. Unfortunately, they will be "as and added bonus" (aka AAAB) to his knives.

RAW Is a Waste of Time

As always, I half-watched while also surfing the net for ... umm ... stuff.

1) Cena's back. It appears he and Randy Orton will feud for the right to wear the championship buzzcut. If not for Cena's jorts, it would be hard to tell the two of them apart.

2) Not actually RAW, but: There was a Harlem Globetrotters game on My 46. Color commentary man: Arsenio Hall. The 'Trotters only won by nine points. It's not too late to jump on the Generals' bandwagon.

3) The RAW announce team now includes sideline reporter Mike Adamle, formerly of "American Gladiators." Can he fill Todd Pettengill's shoes?

4) Switching back and forth between RAW and the State of the Union Address. I kept waiting for a "You fucked up" chant, but no dice. There were a few "Bush Fears Goldberg" signs, though.

5) Cognitive dissonance: I watch RAW, but have no interest whatsoever in UFC.

6) DX re-union! Sorry, fellas, but without "Badass" Billy Gunn (aka, the Assman), you're nothing to me. It doesn't seem very X-treme for Triple H to wear an adjustable baseball cap. Get that shit fitted, son. And wear it backwards. Also: Neon green? That's right up there with the Hitman's poontang pink as worst color scheme ever. And then when you talk about getting ready to suck it ...

7) Fun fact: Snitsky is a former Mizzou Tiger football player.

8) Hottest current WWE chick: Beth Phoenix. You could disagree, but you'd be wrong.

9) Some time around 9:00 I realized that I'm no better than the thousands of other Inter-nerds who write RAW reports. Major soul-searching followed.

10) Maybe this just reveals my ignorance in the field of fake leprechauns, but why is Hornswaggle's face always dirtier than a pair of Britney Spears' panties?

11) What the hell do you call those things that Brian Kendrick wears to the ring? They aren't shorts, they're not pants, and I don't think it's a skirt. It looks like he went shopping at a Renaissance fair or something.

12) Two chick matches in one night? That's a lot of puppies. Not to mention JBL's.

14) I'm superstitious.

15) Turn Back the Clock: The mic skills of the Ultimate Warrior.

16) I'm just saying: When did the Walls of Jericho become just a boring-ass Boston crab? It used to be cooler. ... Oops, Jericho just lost. I guess you could say he "went down in a blaze of glory."

17) I just figured out what John Cena's shoulderblock reminds me of: Ram Man.

Well, that's two hours I'll never get back.

Schmuck, Jobber, or Douche? John Mozeliak

Part of being a major league GM is dealing with criticism from the media -- even media that has no credibility or qualifications whatsoever. With that in mind, it's time to turn the spotlight on new Cards GM John Mozeliak.

Let's start with a rundown of the moves he has made so far this offseason. At least, the ones that I can remember without doing any research or legwork of my own (the only difference between Jay Mariotti and me is the eyebrows). In no particular order:

• Traded Jim Edmonds to the Padres for a left testicle.
  
• Traded Scott Rolen to the Blue Jays for Troy Glaus, a case of Labatt, and a Rush best-of.
  
• Let David Eckstein walk, causing Cardinal Nation to fret about what utterly average white guy it would cheer for in the future.
  
• Re-signed Aaron Miles for $1.4 million, roughly three times what they could have paid Brendan Ryan to suck just as much (if not a little less).
  
• Signed Cezar Izturis for $2.85 million. And not the good Cezar Izturis. Wait, there is no good Cezar Izturis.
  
• Signed Jason LaRue to serve as Joel Pineiro's personal catcher (if you know what I mean).
  
• Signed Matt Clement's goatee.
  
• Drafted Brian Barton in the Rule V draft, which is generally regarded as far inferior to the Rule IV draft, in which American GMs travel to the Soviet Union to face Ivan Drago.
  

With a few weeks to go before pitchers and catchers report, the Cards have a rotation of Wainwright/Pineiro/Looper/Clement/? and a lineup that features The Mang, a chaw-chewing trophy-humper, a Steve Blass-turned-outfielder, a third baseman who kind of looks like Bruce Campbell, and a bunch of Quadruple-A out machines. And yet Mozeliak pretends like the Cards have a chance to compete in '08.

You can't look at this team, and then look at the Brewers and Cubs, and tell me we have a chance to win. If we're gonna suck (and we are), tell me how we're building for the future. Tell me how the minors are important, how we're developing our own talent to take us into the next decade.

Don't sign Cezar Izturis and act like it's an improvement. 

Schmuck.

Busted: Chris Bon Jericho

Ever since Chris Jericho made his triumphant return to the WWE (that might be going a little far -- some crowds have given him a positively Hugh Morrus-like response), something about him has bothered me. Maybe it was the wallet chain. Maybe it was his crap-ass new finishing move, which looks like it would actually hurt him more than his opponent. I just couldn't quite put my finger on it (that's what she said).

Last night, watching a re-run of SNL, I figured it out. Chris Jericho stole Jon Bon Jovi's hair.

I present video evidence.

Mr. Jericho: You, sir, are busted!

FutureSmack: A Warning to Our Future Trivia Night Opponents

Dear Sir or Madam,

The members of this website have participated in numerous trivia nights over the past few years. For the most part we've held our own, but we come out on the losing end almost every time. I recall winning the inaugural Delta Sigma Pi Trivia Night (2002ish) in which we each took home the illustrious 1st place prize of a Trivial Pursuit board game. Since then we've been on an ugly losing streak. But before you go crowning us the David Duval of Trivia Nights, you need to realize that we are still in the baby stages of our TN careers.

10 years from now, it is going to be sick how dominant we are at Trivia Nights. You enjoy your moment in the sun now, but seriously - in 10 years, we're dropping the hammer. We admit, that currently we lack the "life experience" to match wits with people in their late 30's and 40's. That's cool...we get it. We'll pay our dues now, and wreck your life later.

The crazy thing is, we might not even need 10 years to hit our peak. In our mid-twenties, we are always in contention; multiply our smartness exponentially and the results are scary. You don't know when it's coming, but the moment it does, I hope to be there to rub it in yo' face! Seeing you in pain and agony over trivia beatdown after trivia beatdown will bring me great joy in my life.

And once we hit those golden years, watch the F out - we'll be winning all your money, then make it rain. We'll be taking your wives and girlfriends, probably make it rain again. We'll even post messages on your kids' myspace pages, telling you how much it is raining because their punk ass parents must don't know nothin' 'bout trivia!

A wise man once said: you think you're so smart, with your dago mustache and greasy hair. Win as much as you can now, because soon enough you'll be in the loser pool with the drunk 20-somethings who don't know shit and the old people who are out of touch - that's right, the LOSER POOL, brother!

My Message Is Clear.

Sincerely,
bertflex.com





If NWA ever rolled into a trivia night, it would probably look like this. These guys carry more guns though.

Slopparazzi

One of my new favorite things to watch is the TV version of tmz.com. It’s kind of like Access Hollywood and Entertainment Tonight, without the celebrity ass-kissing segments that those shows normally run.

It is pretty much a televised version of the website, for those who don’t have the patience to watch every video they post. With tons of daily coverage of Britney Spears – how could this possibly be a bad show?

Actually I’ve only been to their website a handful of times, but the TV version is pretty addictive. It’s insane how much round-the-clock coverage the paparazzi have on some of these celebrities (Britney, Lohan, Hilton, etc). It makes me wonder if I should buy a nice camera and hang out around the area in case someone important passes by.

Honestly I’d like to see a St. Louis version of TMZ, something we could do if we wanted to quit our lackluster day jobs. The difference would be that we’d cover St. Louis-only celebrities and the random “real” celebrities that frequent our little town once in a while. This would be perfect for a show right after Chalk Talk, on Charter’s channel 3. Everyone knows the ratings are outstanding for Chalk Talk, so we’d have a huge lead-in audience for our show. I imagine us covering such things as, “here’s a camera-phone video of Mike Bush picking his nose as he walks into the Pasta House! Oh yeah!!”

Maybe the moral of this story is that I’m becoming soft or possibly really gay, or this is the product of working with a bunch of women for the past 3 years (you need the latest edition of People, US Weekly, or OK! Magazine? Stop by). But I think it is for the better that I come out now, instead of letting you bastards gossip behind my back.

Rise To Mediocrity: The Movie

I originally wrote this article as a second point-counterpoint with Josh for the Hardcore League blog, but 7 months later, he has yet to respond. Maybe my point was so indisputable, Josh couldn’t come up with a rebuttal. Or maybe this was case #4718224 of “Josh being Josh.” Either way, here is my new vision, a movie about Justin’s heroic 2007 Fantasy Baseball season – Rise To Mediocrity.

I’ve seen Big Sandwich (Justin) play fantasy baseball since 2002. The results haven’t been pretty to say the least. After some horrible showings in York’s league from ‘02-‘04, he finally cashed in during the 2005 season in a different league. That year, we expanded to 3 fantasy leagues, and unfortunately the league he won doesn’t look too impressive on paper (6 team, deep AL only league). I can vouch that his team was loaded and he did very well in the draft and through free agent pickups. That is, until the last week of the season when he blew the lead, only to win it back on the final day.

I’m not sure what happened last winter, but Justin came out swinging in 2007. He finished 1st in a side league that he created. The level of competition was questionable, but he beat me out, so that is saying something. He finished second in the inaugural Hardcore League, holding on to first for a majority of the year. And in a third league, he finished second. This was a huge improvement over previous seasons, and it was hard to make fun of him too much while he was ahead of everyone in the standings.

Justin drafted quality teams, but like most successful fantasy owners, luck played a key role. Unless he really thought Ken Griffey and Kenny Lofton were going to be impact players all year.

Because of his past failures listed above, and one really memorable one, I think Disney should make a movie recapping Justin’s 2007 rise to fantasy excellence. It is the epitome of the underdog story. It would be like our own version of Rocky except without a homoerotic race vs. Apollo Creed on the beach. I have already booked Survivor to make the soundtrack, so we’ve got the ball rolling.

Disney hasn’t called me back about this project, but I’ve got some actors lined up in case the movie is a go:

Starring
	Eminem as Justin
	Bob Wickman as Tony
	Jonah Hill as Thomas
	Kelly Clarkson as Beth
	WWE Wrassler Trevor Murdoch as Josh
	Yi Jianlan as Shaun
	Daniel Craig as Jamie

I cannot guarantee that this will gross over $100 million, but I know there won’t be a dry eye in the theater once the closing credits are rolling. I think it will inspire a lot of people…to do a lot of heavy drinking and rioting.

IIIII'MMM ALBERRGHT PU-JOLSESS...

Hey everyone, welcome to the comeback of bertflex.com.

Some might call this version BertFlex '08 - same crap, but the rosters are updated at least. Plus there is the new feature called "Blogging Camp" in which you can train your blogging game for the real season. Also "Dynasty Blog." We sure put the nasty in dynasty. Get some BertFlex '08 in stores now! Boom!

All Bets Down!

There hasn't been a Bertflex article written in awhile, but it's about time to revive this beast. In honor of the MLB All-Star Game, we are thinking NBA All-Star Game and issuing odds on who will "Make it Rain" and/or become a shooting suspect during this week's break. The closest I've been to San Fran is Oakland, which resembles Baghdad with black people. I saw the Golden Gate Bridge and watched the dogshit out of "Full House", which makes me qualified.

2-1 Pacman Jones- Would he really be dumb enough to do this again? Answer; Hell Yes. The only good payout if you do take Pacman would be "Does he make it rain with $20's, $50's, or $100's?" and "Does he use a Hefty trash bag or a duffle bag to haul the green into the club?" You need to lay down a lot of cash to make this bet pay off!

3-1 Tank Johnson- Tank's odds are free falling after his non-DUI, but that just means he's been honing up on his game. Figure out this analogy; Tank Johnson:Guns as Michael Bay:Bad Movies. See, they just fit together. How can you have a nickname of "Tank" and not be looking for trouble? Plus, he went to college at Washington, which isn't too far from San Fran. He is ripe, and smart money says YES!

5-1 Jason Richardson- He just got traded from a playoff team (Golden State) to a shitter (Charlotte). Good chance he's looking for a way out of Charlotte as you read this, and spending time in the pokey might be better than playing with Charlotte "star" Gerald Wallace. Plays in the NBA where guns and Ricky Davis are readily accessible, but still a dark horse among favorites.

11-2 Yi Jianlian- Sure, he's Chinese. Doesn't matter. San Francisco has one hell of a Chinatown. What's better than spending a winter in Milwaukee with Andrew Bogut? Anything. Smokin' some heads and heading back to China is an option that Yi might just take up. Might get mistaken for Yao Ming, so the odds that someone could actually pinpoint Yi over Yao takes Yi's odds down. Ok bet, but has a great alibi of "Las Vegas Summer League", but again, what doesn't happen in Vegas, still stays in Vegas. Would add to well needed street cred.

13-2 Prince Fielder- Don't get in the middle of a buffet and Prince Fielder. Cold bodies turn up. Might happen if you bump Prince during his hourly Rice-a-Roni session. Instincts say no, but again, his dad is Cecil, who spent some time in the pen too.

10-1 Barry Bonds- 'Roid rage happens to everyone from Brian Bosworth to Chris Benoit. At least Bonds doesn't have a wife to throw a Bible down next to. Plus, he would have beaten the white guy's homerun record, but not Hank Aaron's. A great pick with a decent payout. There is no time better than now for Bonds to do this.

23-2 Chili Davis- Chili Davis is just a bad muthafucker. You don't mess with Chili Davis. Some Las Vegas casinos could take odds on Chili Davis conspiring with Jeffrey Leonard, who would then do the "Flap Down" around the cold SOB that pissed them off. Chili's 1987 resemblance to Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction is phenomenal, and Chili probably has a "Bad Muthafucker" wallet too. And in that wallet lays some money that says not to bet on this happening. It's just funny to think about.

18-1 OJ Simpson- Played for the 49ers at the end of his career, so he is somewhat familiar with area. He is due for some publicity, and is looking for a sequel to "How I Would Have Done It". Could be a good bet, with a great payout.

20-1 Tim Hardaway- Played most of his career with Golden State, and hates gays. San Francisco is faaaabullllous Tim. Make sure your not carrying a purse around Timmy, or your head may fit in a box.

Seven Items That Will Make You The Smart Person at Work

It's that time of the week to gets your smarts so you can move up from the fries to the drive thru.

1). The NHL playoffs began last week, which means playoff beards and sweet mullets. Remember this name; George Parros. Boy George sports one of the sweeter mullet/mustache combos ever to hit God's green Earth. It's part Mulltalica mullet/part 70's porn. Oh, and the playoffs are on this channel called 'Versus'. The same channel that schlups the Mountain West Conference (exclusively on Versus...YEAH!!), PBR (not Pabst- Pro Bull Riding), and shitty boxing. One plus is they kicked the tires on Jack Edwards, who is hands down the best hockey studio man in the biz.

2). Sunday was Jackie Robinson Day. The entire Cardinals team wore '42' jerseys. Like Mike Shannon isn't confused/drunk enough during a regular game.

3). Some guy nicknamed "White Tyson" beat the shit out of this big Russian dude (Ruslan Chagaev and Nikolai Valuev). Big Russian dude was the champ, and 7 foot tall. The fight was basically a real life 'Punch Out'. "White Tyson" used the Mac theory on Soda Popinski (counter the uppercuts).

4). Pope Benedict turned 80 on Sunday. Everyone remembers that white smoke means we have a new pope right? Ok, remember that by September. It's the 'Big Head Pick to Click'.

5). Steffi Graf got hit in the grill with a tennis racket...by her husband Andre Agassi! Andre "accidentally" busted Steffi in the lip at a fundraiser. Steffi needed three stiches, and Andre needs a new swing coach. Which leads to only one question; "Is Andre Agassi gonna have to smack a bitch?". Don't mess with Andre.

6). With a bad TV watching Sunday night, On the 'I Love New York Reunion Show', Tango pulled the hat trick, and dumped New York's ass on TV for the third time. He said that New York made fun of his momma, so she had to go. Afterwards, my girlfriend gave me my balls back.

7). Chicago got the U.S. bid for the 2016 Summer Olympics. When the U.S. Men's Basketball team shows up, it will give Chi-town just another overrated team ready to implode. The final picks by the International Olympic people will be in '09.