Douche Bag Report: Vince the ShamWow! Guy Edition

Vince, let’s start with the obvious: You look and sound like an absolute tool. Orange glow, faux hawk, New York(ish) accent, unnecessary headset. Here’s how bad it is: If I saw you in a bar, I would lie in order to get your picture, then mock you on a fourth-rate blog later that night.

Even so, I kind of like you, Vince. You seem like a stand-up fellow, just trying to make $19.99 plus shipping and handling for a living. But then you’re a complete dick to the camera guy. Yeah, he’s following you. I could record your low-budget commercial on my mobile phone, so I’m pretty sure a professional videographer can manage to record you wringing Coke out of a fucking ShamWow.

And Vince, you must be one sloppy motherfucker if you’re spending $20 on paper towels each month. That’s, what, eight rolls if you buy the fancy kind that tears off in thirds? How are you possibly using two rolls of paper towels each week? I’m guessing it’s not something you’d want to tell your mother about, and you’re probably going to go blind.

So let’s recap: looks like a douche, sounds like a douche, acts like a douche, and wastes the world’s precious resources with excessive paper towel usage. Yep, you can officially pop that collar. You following me, ass clown?


P.S. On viewing 7 billion or so of the ShamWow commercial, I noticed the awesome voiceover work (the “ten years”) around 1:25. Enjoy that.