Who's Shitty

Hello ladies and gentlemen welcome to the anniversary week installment of the "Who's Shitty" fantasy report, your premier source for fantasy baseball knowledge. Tony Pellegrino, webmaster and fantasy expert will check the mailbag and answer all your fantasy questions. We have picked five more questions, so hopefully yours will get answered. If you're lucky, Tony might call your favorite fantasy player "Shitty," which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the BertFlex glossary).

1. T-Ferg (meat gazing at Whole Foods Market) - Who’s a sleeper pick to be the next semi-hot politician in the tradition of Sarah Palin and Dolly Madison?

This is like picking a death pool sleeper; it should be someone who has no business being put in the position to actually win (kinda like Palin). My honest answer is that it will be a while before we see another semi-hot politician so you might do good scouting your local College Republicans club or watch and see who The Barack "keeps around" the Oval Office (besides Oprah).

Side note: if you were Barack, would you get divorced right now? Think of the tail he could pull! I think, for the good of the country, he should get rid of what's-her-face, put Hef on the cabinet and make the White House the new Playboy Mansion. That alone could pull us out of the recession. Do it now, Barack, for your country.

And yeah, I didn't really answer your question. That's because you're too busy getting your swell on at the gym to actually do anything cool or fun. You also don't think Dolly Madison is hot because she has too many carbs. Busted.

2. Julie (St. Chuck) - I’m considering trying out the make-believe baseball in 2009. What should I do in the offseason to train?

Step 1 - Don't trust your instincts.
Step 1a - Use someone else's projections, like a magazine or Baseball Prospectus.
Step 2- Keep up with offseason transactions.
Step 3 - When drafting a hitter, ask HMW for advice. When drafting a pitcher, ask Maltliquorman. They will both lie to you, but that's ok; their lies are probably better than what you were going to do anyway.
Step 4 - Make sure whoever's running the league gets your money before the season starts. Maybe this should be step 1.
Step 5 - Don't worry, even if you draft the worst team of all-time, you won't finish last; that's Big Sandwich's job.

3. Cabeza Grande ('86 Cutty) - Jake Peavy to the Cubs? Am I fucked if I kept JP in a keeper league now? Does he gain value if he went to the Braves?

Remember that Peavy gets a HUGE boost from Petco and playing in the NL West. He was actually fairly average last season so expect a bit of a rebound. Overall, he'll get more wins with the Cubs but his rate stats will jump. I see a move to the Braves as a lateral move unless they improve that team. Cubs is actually your best option.

My proj: 16-8, 3.15, 210Ks with the Cubs, 14-11, 2.95, 190Ks with the Braves / Padres.

4. Dr. Kenneth Noisewater (San Di-ago) - I noticed there is a fellow on your "contributors" list named Maltliquorman. Who is he and why doesn't he write anything? Seriously - Any. Thing.

Maltliquorman was abducted by aliens about the time he moved out of his parents' house. We haven't really noticed because he never hung out before that anyway. Plus he didn't check his email or fantasy teams before the abduction either. Last we heard from him, he was once again moving into an apartment with a female who he was not nailing. You'd think he would have learned his lesson by now but obviously not. Hopefully the aliens return him in time for the fantasy baseball season; I could use the money.

5. shaun (the westside) - T, we like our lists 'round here. What are your top five fondest memories from the bertflex.com era?

1. '07-'08 Illini Hockey undefeated season
2. '06 World Series
3. Starting the Hardcore League
4. Moving away from all you assholes to take a job in baseball
4a. Moving back home after finding out that everywhere else sucks
5. College World Series trips

I guess it says a lot about me that my top event from the last 3 years is collegiate club hockey. It might say even more that starting a fantasy league also made the list. I'll still put my list up against anyone who reads this blog, since you're all losers too.

If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to haymang@yahoo.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years and gets paid to analyze baseball players, so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.

For previous versions of "Who's Shitty" click the tag below.