BertFlex Summer Intern Search: The Candidate

It's been over a week since HMW told me that haymang@yahoo.com received an application for our summer intern position (ha, position) from someone who identified him- or herself as "sir's girlfriend." I was really hoping that Trevor, the Mentos Intern, would apply, but oh well. The delay in my reply is my way of introducing the candidate to one of the cold-ass truths of trying to get a job: The employer usually takes their sweet time in getting back to you.

Due to wussy HR departments who have "legal concerns," most companies don't conduct their interviews LIVE! on the Internets. Well, son, we ain't most companies. So here's how it'll work: The candidates' words will be in a font I like to call "Subservient New Roman." My questions and commentary will be in italics, because I'm fabulous like that.

1. Dudes need not apply. We have enough of them already and, with the exception of maltliquorman, none of us are really "eye candy."
I have a rack. Stop right there. We have a winner! But I guess since you already typed some other stuff, I'll read on. I'm not a dude. Sir can vouch for me. Sir can vouch that you're not a dude? But you two aren't even married! 

2. You must be able to pick Jack Cust out of a lineup. This requirement can be waived if you have access to good seats at Busch Stadium that you would be willing to give us.

Is this the same Jack Cust that plays for the Oakland A's and used to play for the D-Backs as a rookie? Geez, why don't you tell me his jockstrap size while you're at it. ... No, really, tell me.

Um... I know a guy who knows a guy that could get us into Busch Stadium. You could just ask him. Are you suggesting that I break the rules and/or law? Is this the kind of behavior we can expect if we allow you near the BertFlex Vault of Awesomeness, which features a dizzying array of porn, frozen pizzas, and baseball cards (not to mention a life-size Joe Morgan blow-up doll)? 

 3. Uh, hmmm...I really hadn't thought this through. It would be cool if you had, like, an old NES we could play?

Yes, I have access to an NES. You supply games. Don't boss me. I'm the boss. You're the intern. Make me a sammich. I'll supply two controllers and neon orange gun. Is one of the controllers a NES Max? I only roll with the NES Max. Word to the Turbo buttons. We can discuss that later, I guess.

4. Anything else you'd like to say?

Can I still be the unofficial photographer of BertFlex? I dig that gig. :) Minus five points for use of an emoticon. But yes.

P.S. - In the process of uploading photos from Good Face Barbeque Weekend. Since this writing, pics have been uploaded to the BertFlex photo gallery. I must say that I would have liked to have seen more of me (I think I speak for everyone on that account).

P.P.S. - I notice everyone has nicknames. I was thinking "ma'am" or "madame" to play off of sir's name. But by all means, something more creative will work too. First off, you said "pee pee." Plus five points. And (b), seeing as how I'm the hiring manager here, I get final call on the nickname. I hereby pronounce you "madame." Let the whorehouse jokes begin!