I'm Jeff Reardon, Bitch!

In case you haven't heard, former reliever Jeff Reardon was arrested for armed robbery of a jewelry store. That's right, the same Jeff Reardon who closed for Boston, Minnesota and the Mets held up a Hamilton Jewelry for $170. According to accounts, he was later apprehended at a P.F. Chang's Chinese Resturant, which I can totally understand because when I need some Chinese food, I always hold up jewelry stores.

In a late entry for understatement of the year, Bert Blyleven said "It's very uncharacteristic of Jeff Reardon to do what he did.'' Hey Bert, no shit. If it was characteristic for any of the guys you played with to go around jacking jewelry stores, you'd have played for Florida State.

Thanks to my connections at the Palm Beach Police Department, I've obtained the security video of the robbery and will now post the transcript of how it all went down:

Jeff Reardon: That's some mighty fine jewelry you got there, um hmm.

Clerk: Sorry buddy, the cleaning crew isn't allowed in the store until after we close. You'll have to wait another hour.

JR: I ain't waitin' fo' nuthin. Gimme some money. I got a fever, and the only prescription is more Chinese food!

Clerk: Let's see, this is a jewelry store. I don't know what you could steal from here that's worth anything. I've got about $10,000 in the cash register. I'll give you $170 of it if you go away.

JR: You got yourself a god-damn deal. I'm Jeff Reardon, bitch!

At this point, Reardon somehow resists the urge to stop by the Waffle House and sets up shop in the P.F. Chang's. He barricades himself inside, between the Mushu Pork and the General Tso's Chicken, awaiting the inevitable onslaught of police and attack dogs to come after the stolen $170. When one officer comes in and asks him for the money back, Reardon surrenders, but only if he can have some egg rolls to go.


sir said...

Yes, I'm fully aware that this is not as funny as it was in my head. I don't want to hear about it.

big sandwich said...

I think it's funny. I also think that it's funny that your apologizing for it's unfunniness. I am also going for the record for using the word "funny" in a comment.


Dallas J. Hawk said...

Now that is some funny shit. I think I am going to get some PF Chang's to go like Jeff should have. Peace.