2005 Better Luck Next Year Awards

Everyone knows that award shows are long, boring and drawn out. Here at BertFlex, we don't stand for all the filler material that goes into 5 hour shows, when it really could be knocked out in a half hour. So here goes the first ever "Better Luck Next Year Awards," given to five people or groups who hope that 2006 goes a little smoother than 2005.

Sports Division: Chicago Cubs

First the Red Sox break their long championship drought, then the Cubbies' cross-town rivals do it in '05. 2006 has to be the year right? Talk to any normal Cubs fan and they'll tell you that with a straight face. But when you do talk to them, be ready for a barrage of "If's" and "Hopefully's" or else you might get hurt.

Runner up (tie): Joe Vitt and Quin Snyder

Get used to this website: monster.com. You'll need it.

Hollywood Division: Jennifer Aniston

We were all sorry to hear that your marriage to Mr. Pitt went down the drain. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and you are still an attractive woman. The good news is that all women are on your side: What Brad did was wrong! However, the bad news is that you found out what the word "Upgrade" means, first hand. Every man in America (all 145 million of us) gave Brad the thumbs up to move on to Angelina. Ladies, you have a lot of jerks for friends.

fun fact: this is one of 108,000 images on google search

Runner up: Television Programmers

Man you guys did a lot of sucking this year. Reality Shows, Sitcoms, Dramas--nothing was left out. You covered all the bases of sucking. Even ESPN, the king of sports networks, sucked too! At least Neil Patrick Harris is thankful that you brought him back. Too bad he's the only one...

Social Life Division: The Guy Who Went To Banana Joe's With The Panther's Cheerleaders

The words he'll regret for the rest of his life: "Yeah you two go to the bathroom, put your make-up on, whatever...and I'll buy us some more drinks."

Runner up: Prince Harry

This was one of those "Wait...WHAT did he do??" moments. Maybe run some other ideas by your costume designer next time Harry.

"Ah, left me bloody mustache at home..."

Business Division: Budweiser

Now I'm not going to criticize Budweiser for their beer--that would be sacrilegious here in St. Louis. No, I am going to point out that nearly all of their 2005 commercials were awful. Was it a change in ad agencies? A change in philosophy (from "hilarious" to "head-scratchingly bad")? It will remain a mystery until we see less of AAB #4, and more funny thrown into their commercials. They have a shot to redeem themselves at Super Bowl XL (pronounced "Ex-L") on February 5th.

Runner up: Free Radio

Howard Stern is gone, so who does he get replaced with? David Lee Roth?! Luckily we don't have to listen to him, instead the Point will replace Howard with Cleveland-based Rover in the mornings. Even worse, ancient radio hosts Steve & DC are back, this time on 101.1 the River beginning in January. Is it too late to make a petition for the "Big Sandwich Wacky Morning Show?"

Sandwich & Ronnie McDizzle in the Morning?

Everything Else Division: The World

There was a bunch of bad stuff that happened this year. Tsunamis, hurricanes, wars, scandals, Jose Canseco's book followed by Jessica Canseco's book/Playboy layout, and worst of all: The sudden halt of Chappelle's Show. Should we take a page out of Cub's Fan's book and say "maybe next year?" I hope it will be better; on the other hand how could it be worse? Burger King taking away Meat-normous sandwiches? We'll chalk this one up as an "off year," and hope to do better in '06.

Luckily you'll have this blog to help you through all the bad times. Be ready for more entertaining columns from our staff in the New Year, as well as more degenerate gambling, boozing, and parrot-stealing behavior--all documented for the enjoyment of our 6 readers spread throughout the country!

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