It's no secret that we here at BertFlex like to get fat. We're a sports blog (sort of) with a bacon tag. TGF routinely fantasizes about destroying large pizzas, Sir knows the ins and outs of all-you-can-eat offers across this fair city, and HMW has eaten seven filets mignon in one sitting. Although I've lauded Crisco for its applications during sexy time with Jason LaRue (what?), I'd still cut my pie crust dough with lard if it didn't lead to the awkward conversation where you ask about the secret ingredient in my extra-delicious pies and I tell you it's time to increase your life insurance policy. So yeah, we're fat.
Then imagine my delight when I learned that margarine is illegal in Missouri. Margarine is bullshit. It's science. Seriously, one of my classmates in middle school did her science fair project on various fats used in chocolate-chip cookies, then did blind taste tests. The margarine cookies scored way lower on the deliciousness scale than those made with butter. So there you go: If a randomized control trial -- the gold standard of scientific studies -- at Holman Middle School proved it's true, then it's fucking true.
Unfortunately, my delight turned to horror when I bothered to read the Post-Dispatch article on the butter law and learned that our state officials don't take butter protection seriously:
JEFFERSON CITY -- A southwest Missouri lawmaker wants to decriminalize margarine.This is the sort of lax regulation that led to the Enron scandal, the 2008 fuel crisis, and the surprisingly poor sales of Nelly's latest album. Not. Acceptable. (Plus there's a war on. And another war on. And a budget shortfall in Missouri. And old people just walking around the state like they own the fucking place. I mean, shouldn't our representatives worry about that stuff instead and leave the butter scuffles to the people?)
House member Sara Lampe said Tuesday that she plans to file legislation repealing Missouri's butter law, which dates to 1895.
The law restricts the sale, possession or shipment of imitation butter and bans yellow-tinted varieties. Those dealing contraband dairy products can be fined up to $100 and jailed for up to a month.
Lampe, a Springfield Democrat, said the law doesn't make sense anymore.
Enforcement is up to the state Department of Agriculture. And spokeswoman Misti Preston said the butter laws are no longer enforced.
Preston said the regulations likely were created to protect Missouri's dairy industry.
Anyway, consider yo'self warned: If you use margarine in front of me, I'm going to taser your ass and perform a citizens' arrest. Don't think I won't.