Alton Regional Preview

Welcome to the third of four previews to the Super Xtreme Asskickin Monster Truck Firestorm Tournament of Death. This one pertains to the Alton Regional. We've worked out a special arrangement with the Alton city counsel to have these matches held at the Alton Belle Casino, since that's the only reason people still come to Alton. The post-game spread will, of course, be at Fast Eddie's.

#1 Poop vs. #16 Nerd Shit
Poop. Poop is awesome. It's fun to do, it's fun to talk about, it's fun to make fun of people for, and it's fun to say. Sure, poop has it's downsides like pooping your pants (not that I know anything about that) but even then, it makes for a great story. Face it; wherever poop is, it's a party. Nerd Shit, if you're not familiar, is taking something very simple and making it extremely complicated using numbers and equations and stuff. For example, my job at the baseball stats company is 100% Nerd Shit. I take baseball games, dissect every single play, and then try to put the numbers back together and learn something. The best part is that after you use all the numbers, you still come out with the same thing you knew before, like Albert Pujols is good at baseball.

#2 College Life vs. #15 Menthol cigarettes
Both of these entrants are slightly exclusionary: some people haven't gone to college and most people have never smoked Menthols. College Life is slightly different for everyone but, at the same time, awesome for everyone. You mooch off your parents, party every night, live with a bunch of people your own age, and play video games a lot. You have an immense amount of free time which can be used for drinking, or if you're dorks like us can be used to create awesome works of art like the Wall of Smack or the Softball SmackTalk fliers. Class, I hear, is an optional part of college life. Menthol cigarettes are kind of a mystery to me. Black people smoke them, but so do some of my friends who are not black. Dave Chappelle asked experts on the subject of black culture why black people smoke menthols and their response was "I don't know." They're minty, but I wouldn't call them fresh. I will ask a menthol proponent and get back to you on why they are awesome.

#3 Beef Jerky vs. #14 Hawaiian Shirts
Where else can you get beef in convenient, portable form without having to worry about it going bad? You'll just be walking down the street and think "Man, I wish I had some beef right now" and SHAZAM Beef Jerky is right there to HOOK YOU UP. You want flava? How 'bout teriyaki, hot sauce, peppered, bbq, hickory, steak sauce, or jalapeno. Jerky is awesome, and if you disagree, you're wrong. Hawaiian Shirts are the ultimate in everyday tacky apparel. Nothing says "This guy is ready to party!" quite like busting out the Hawaiian shirt. As a purveyor of many myself, it's the only piece of clothing that a completely straight man will ever receive compliments on from another completely straight man. Wear one to the bar, no fewer than three other guys will give you the "Nice shirt" stamp of approval, and not in that creepy gay way either. The ladies usually don't care for them, but when you rep the island you know that going in.

#4 Nintendo vs. #13 Patriots going 18-1
Most of us grew up with Nintendo and while the modern video games have stuff like graphics and sound that resemble real life, the playability of many Nintendo games can never be matched. What other system has produced such hits as Super Mario Bros, Contra, Tecmo Bowl, RBI Baseball, Blades of Steel, Zelda, and Duck Hunt? None, that's who. Even now, 22 years after it's state-side arrival, Nintendo is still a good time. Staying power, my friends. The Patriots going 18-1 in and of itself kind of sucks because we had to listen to everyone on tv give the Pats a metaphorical BJ for the entire season. However, it might have all been worth it to watch a crap Giants team who barely made the playoffs take down the "Greatest Team of All Time in the History of Life OMG!" For those of us who suffered through the Rams Super Bowl loss to the Pats a few years back, it felt like revenge, even though we had nothing to do with it. Seeing the crushed and pulverized Pats fans cry made my heart happy.

#5 Bricked Dunk after the whistle vs. #12 Gross Throwback Jerseys
There is not a single play in sports that screams "I'm a douchebag!" more than the Bricked Dunk after the whistle. You've all seen it: there's a foul on the play but the tough guy with the ball has a clean route to the basket. He doesn't care that it doesn't count, he's going to throw it down with such force, such ferocity, that all who gaze upon him will fear his wrath...BONK! The back iron usually plays the foil to our hero's attempts at greatness, sending the ball three or four rows deep into the stands. Failure at its finest. Gross Throwback Jerseys are best when they are at their most hideous. By default, this means that most are from the '70s and '80s and include polyester. In colors that are more appropriate for Hawaiian shirts than sporting attire, throwbacks invoke a feeling of nostalgia, specifically for a time when people didn't wear gross throwback jerseys to the ballpark. Powder blue Cardinals Tommy Herr? Sunburst Astros Nolan Ryan? Road Blues Wayne Gretzky? All disgustingly ugly, and paradoxically awesome at the same time.

#6 Grand Theft Auto vs. #11 Hardee's
Grand Theft Auto is, hands down, the greatest, most influential video game ever made. Being able to play the bad guy and break the law was one thing, but the open-ended game play just pushed it to a whole new level. Want to steal that ambulance? Go ahead. Feel like laying waste to cops with your AK? Have at it. Blow up police helicopters with your rocket launcher? You're damn right. You can even screw hookers to regain life. This game has everything, bro. While most of America was trying to promote healthy living and weight loss, Hardee's said "Eff this!" and gave life the bird. If you want some food that is absolutely horrible for you, Hardee's is the place. Their "standard" burger is 1/3 pound, or if that's not fat enough for you, you can go for 2/3 of a pound with double bacon and double cheese. You could get a Philly Cheese Steak hamburger there; that's just wrong. Josh heard they were putting babies on a burger, and I wouldn't doubt it.

#7 Cheese Steaks vs. #10 Home Run Derby
Cheese Steaks are one of the greatest culinary creations of our time. As with Beef Jerky, Cheese Steaks make the greatness of beef portable AND they throw in the bonus of cheese with it. Steak, cheese, bread: what more do you need? Throw some onions and peppers on for an added bonus and you're ready to roll, just you and your Portable Beef. Portable Beef would be a great band name. The most important part of the Midsummer Classic, Home Run Derby, is a vulgar display of power. Whoever decided to get the best home run hitters together and throw them batting practice fastballs to see who can mash the most is a genius. Whether it's watching Mac Wire crush balls onto the Mass Turnpike, Sammy Sosa crush at the Ted, or Bobby Abreu (gross) hit about a brazillion homers in a row, there's something in the Derby for everyone. My only complaint about the Derby is that the greatest feats occur in the first round, while the championship is determined in the last round, but hey, nothing's perfect.

#8 Photoshop vs. #9 Making it rain
Photoshop is the tool of choice for creating a picture of something that didn't happen, but you wish it did. Most commonly used to take a very normal picture and add a comedic element or clever phrases (see LOLcats). It's also very useful for making fun of celebrities or your friends, not that anyone on this site would stoop so low. Making It Rain, for the uninitiated, is "when you are in a strip club or party and decide to throw a bunch of money in the air to show everyone how rich you are." (courtesy of UrbanDictionary.com) Now, none of us are actually rich enough to make it rain, but it sounds like it would be a lot of fun. We have devised plans to make it rain pennies and to make it rain Jack in the Box tacos, which to us sound even more entertaining than the usual rain-making. We hope to one day hang out with Pacman Jones, once he gets out of prison, and help him and his crew make it rain. Hopefully we won't get shot.

Tune in tomorrow when we wrap up our series of Regional Previews!