Who's Shitty

Hello ladies and gentlemen, Happy New Year and welcome to another installment of the "Who's Shitty" fantasy report, your premier source for fantasy baseball opinions. Tony Pellegrino, webmaster and fantasy expert will check the mailbag and answer all your fantasy questions. We have picked five more questions this month, so hopefully yours will get answered. If you're lucky, Tony might call your favorite fantasy player "Shitty," which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the bertflex glossary).

Keeping up with our pals at yahoo.com and cbssportsline.com, here is a badass picture of Tony, the "Touchdown Jesus" of Illini hockey.

Ah, Hey-Zeus. I like him very much. But he no help with hockey. I ask Headbanger to come. Take fear from hockey sticks. I offer him KFC and Taco Bell. He will come.

1. Erik (STL) - A penny for your thoughts on Rickie "Be Rickie" Weeks?

Everyone has been telling me for years that this is the year Sticky Weeks is going to blow up the world. And yes, Brewers Guy, I know you think he was the greatest college second baseman EVAR. To that, I say... well I say many things, such as "There's plenty of great college second basemen out there... they're called SHORTSTOPS!" and "You must don't know nuthin bout second base. Mashin' Marshall MacDougal is the greatest second baseman in the history of the universe." In conclusion, Icky Weeks is shitty until he shows me otherwise.

2. C. Utley (Philly) - Hey Tony, remember when 2B was just me and poopy guys like Adam Kennedy and Aaron Miles? Who are your top 5 second basemen for the '08 season? Any sleepers?

Wow, is this the Second Base Show or something? Fine, Mud Buttley, I'll humor you.
Official Who's Shitty second base rankings:
1) Chase Utley
2) B.J. Upton
3) Robbie Cano
4) Brian Roberts (a trade to the Cubs makes him #2)
5) Brandon Phillips

I think Kinsler can put together a solid full season this year and I'm excited to see what Matt Antonelli, the kid from SD, can do. Kelly Johnson is another nice young player.

3. jeremy (stl) - tony i know i asked you this question like last year or something but i thought since this isa new season and there are new rankings and players and other factors what do you think of this years closers is valverde going to be effective in houston or cordero in cincy who are the new japanese relevers i havent heard of any of them and mariano rivera is old but still better option than lidge and maybe izzy repeats his 2007 season

God Damnit Jeremy, could you once use some punctuation or I'll be forced to use some punch-you-ation! Ok, let's see if I can play "Crack the Code" with this horribly worded question:
Valverde goes from one hitter's park to another but expect an increase in his HR Rate; never good for a closer. Houston is way worse than Zona so his saves will drop. Cordero is going to get bombed in Cincy so don't overpay expecting a repeat of last year. No new Japs are going to be gaining closing jobs, but Yasuhiko Yabuta (KC) could get a shot if Soria falters.

I've never been a big Mariano guy and I don't think the Yankees are going to be a playoff team this year so beware. Lidge moves to a slightly better park and a much better team, so I'm willing to label him a high-risk sleeper. Izzy issy whaty he issy (3.25 ERA, 28-32 Sv), though the Cards are only going to win 72 games this season so beware.

Official Who's Shitty closer rankings:
1) Joe Mama Nathan
2) Jonny Papelbon
3) J.J. Putz
4) K-Rod
5) Mariano

4. Celebrity Sighting (where the celebrities are, duh) - I recently saw Anthony Reyes at the Clayton Chipotle. Would he be as valuable to my fantasy team serving spicy burritos as he would be pitching for the Cards?

This is such a loaded question... why is he eating at Chipotle when he's got all that scratch? Why is he in Clayton when he's going to spend 2008 in Memphis? Can you really put a price on someone serving you spicy burritos?

Okay, enough filloffosizing... The A-Train will never do dick in a Cardinals jersey. I hate that I have to say that because A-Train is my dogg. LaDuncan have ruined this kid and made sure that he will never succeed in this organization because he's a strikout guy that they're making "pitch to contact."

Here's a hint, Cardinals BrainTrust, I've never seen a seeing-eye strikeout. K's are good. The fact that the club high in K's in a game last season was 8 should tell you what you're doing wrong. It's been proven time and time again that a pitcher has little control over what happens to a baseball that stays in the park after it's been hit. Learn some damn math and come out of the dark ages. Groundballs with this infield are not a good thing. Flyballs with this outfield are not a good thing. K's are still good, no matter who is playing the field.

Fuck pitching to contact. Fuck LaDuncan. Fuck John Mozelak for not trading Reyes to Cleveland this offseason. Get him the hell out of this organization and let him throw somewhere that appreciates strikeouts. I hear the A's have a rotation spot open now that Danny Haren is a D-Back...

5. shaun (THE hazelwood west high school) - Tony, i'd kind of like to rent the movie "Good Luck Chuck" in order to confirm how hot Jessica Alba is. Unfortunately Dane Cook "stars" in the movie as well. What do i do?

You see, Shaun, the internet was invented because Jessica Alba is hot. Since it was created precisely for this situation, the internet is the best way to confirm said hotness.

Benefits:
You get to see Jessica Alba pictures.
Pictures don't require you to listen to her or Dang Cook.

Downside:
ZERO.

My message is clear. Thank you, Al Gore, for this beautiful miracle of the internets.

If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to shaunfanclub@hotmail.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years (none recently), so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.