Jersey Handbook

People, we have a major problem on our hands. I don't claim to be a fashion guru, but inlight of a breakout of Gary Bennett jerseys, along with several bad jerseys that I have personally seen, it's about time to setdown some ground rules. These rules are to be heeded at all times. If not, we may have to call Jack Bauer to save humanity, again.

A). Throwback Jerseys
I blame this whole "throwback" faze on Mitchell & Ness, the maker of these fine jerseys. Sure, they were cool back in aught-four, but they really fazed out after about a year. It was cool to find a Tony Gwynn dookie-brown Padres jersey with a priest on it. But when you were able to make your own personalized throwback, we gotta throw down. Iwasthisclose to being semi-guilty of this when I wanted a Vince Coleman jersey. I figured that I'd pick up a baby-blue 80's Cards jersey emblazoned the the firecracker himself. One problem...Coleman never played for the Cards during the baby-blue days! Coleman came up and stayed in '85, and the nasties were gone in '83. I avoided catastrophe.

B). Retired Players
There has to be a rule that you must wait x amount of years before putting on a retired player's jersey again. I do own a McGwire jersey, and it has sat in the closet for some time. I do not plan on wearing it again until/if it is cool again. You will know. I am proposing that the time that the jersey must sit in the closet must be at least 12 years from the time of retirement, but when you get it out, it must still be in pristine condition. We still see Whore-ass Grant, Magic, Larry, and Bettis Rams jerseys still floating around. Go down to Dooley Drive and see how many Jordan 23 jerseys you see, and tell me if any of them are in good shape. Yep, that's what you look like in a faded jersey of a retired player; like a crackbaby.

C). Shitty Players
We are all owners of shitty jerseys. Since I am a Chicago Bears fan, you can see that I own several a shitty jersey. You must hold on to these. It was your fault that you bought it, and now you are due all the scorn that you will receive. That's what we get for trying to be the first one on our block to get an Eddie Kennison jersey. You do not have to wear them, but it always seems like you are. Your "friends" always remember what jerseys you own, and they have a right to talk shit on you, your team, or that player since you bought it. Sorry, rules are rules.

D). Personalized Jerseys
Worst idea ever. If you are the asshole in front of me with a "69", "420", or "00" jersey on, I hate you. There is never a need for a personalized jersey, unless it's of your favorite player, which in turn, if they don't make his jersey there is a reason; he's shitty (not a Pellegrino curse). Putting your name on a jersey doesn't make you part of the team. You may personalize your jersey for one need; a hot rookie coming up with so much promise it's a can't miss. But if you did happen to get, say a Rick Ankiel jersey whenever he came up, get ready for all the scorn you can handle (see letter C).

Another part in the personalized category is naming your jersey. DO NOT PUT LETTERING ON YOUR JERSEY. If it doesn't come with a name on the back, there's a reason why...they don't belong there. I saw a Yankees 13 jersey with a nameplate on the back. Last time I checked, the Yanks have never put names on their jerseys. Doesn't make it look authentic, but makes you look like an authentic ass. To go along with this point, if you happen to own a personalized jersey of yourself, you are an ass, but it had better have your last name on it, and that's it. No first name, no first initial, no Jack Youngblood spelled out on two panels. There are very few people that are known by first names only; Tiger, Cher, Pele, and Ichiro. Not you. Put the jersey down, and nobody gets hurt. One more thing under personalized jerseys; any jersey that has the year on it, avoid like the plague. I am talking mostly NFL expansion team stuff. Jerseys that have the year the franchise will begin playing. I haven't seen a player wear an Houston Texans 02 jersey. These are also seen at the NFL draft.

E). Traded/Cut/Changed Number Jerseys
You cannot wear a team jersey of a player that was traded/cut/changed numbers for that team. I had better not see any TO Eagles jerseys floating around this year. You buy jerseys based on two things; either you like the player or the team. If that player was worth it to buy his jersey and something happens, you must buy another jersey. As for the team aspect, my Bears jerseys proof of this. No Rashaan Salaam, pick up Curtis (P)Enis. No Enis, go with McNown. No McNown, well you get the point. The one plus is that I couldn't even find my Cade McNown jersey! This vicious cycle may continue for a long, long, long time.

F). College Jerseys
This is the main problem. A pro player may stay with his team for a long time without a number change, so your jersey stays current. A college player's jersey is good for maybe one season. I just received my Chase Daniel Mizzou jersey. He is the Mizzou player that Eastbay has decided to pimp this year, he is only a sophomore, and he is the best QB this team has now, so there is a good chance that I will get this jersey for more than one year. Obviously with college jerseys, they do not come with names. YOU MAY NOT PERSONALIZE THESE. It will look like your mom made it for you. They come without names, leave them without names. Period. Or we may have another Wojo siting at Bonnaroo next year. For the love of God, please don't.

Getting back to the main problem. In a college town, local townies believe that these jerseys stay current forever. Unfortunately for them, they don't. People in Nebraska are buying 30 jerseys, which was Ahman Green's old number. I'm guessing they are buying it for Ahman Green, and not Tierre Brown. In Madison, I've seen people walking around in Ron Dayne jerseys. I'm sure in Texas, there will be idiots in Vince Young jerseys for years. The rule on college jerseys is the same as retired players, but even longer. See, there is a stigma that goes with college jerseys. Other players have to wear that same number year after year, so there is a good chance that a player will suck, so you don't want to be caught wearing a jersey of that player.

I hope I've helped you clean out your closet, or for some, put jerseys back in the closet. We are all offenders of jersey policy, and the policy is up for amendment. Plus, most rules go out the window if you happen to pick up a sweet jersey at a Goodwill or garage sale. Hello Sid Fernandez!