What You're Getting for Christmas-The Male Thought Process

For centuries, this statement has been proven true on countless occasions: Guys suck at buying presents for their better half. It is like an annual ritual come December 25th--guy watches girl open up her gift (which was sloppily wrapped probably 3 hours ago), girl sees gift, cringes, and fakes a smile, followed by a confused "thank you?" Works like a charm every year.

The problem is that men and women obviously don't think alike. It is easier for a woman to find a perfect gift for their man because we are so easy to please. You buy us food--awesome. Something from Best Buy--double awesome. Something from Victoria's Secret? I know I'll never be the one wearing it, but 2 words describe that gift: Jack, pot.

But when we go out and buy something for the ladies, it's a different story. We have to put ourselves in her shoes for a moment and think about what would be a wonderful gift to receive under the Christmas tree. It's not an easy thing to do. An Albert Pujols jersey sounds like a cool gift to us, but not for them. I will say for the guys, we're trying to get smarter about it. Every year, we're progressing and all the credit in the world goes to the Internet.

Whenever December rolls around and you're checking out normal sites like msn.com or yahoo.com, you see the generic picture of a girl holding a wrapped present with a huge smile on her face. And the caption reads: "Top Gifts for Her this Holiday Season!"

Thank you Internet, we no longer have to do the thinking in the male/computer relationship. Way to be a team player!

So in an effort to finally get it right this year, we click on that link to see what the best presents are to get our lady this year. However, the results are very disappointing. Here is a quick look at some of the top gifts that msn.com says we should be buying:

Stacking Jewelry Box, from Red Envelope. $50. Male Thought Process: That's kind of cool, I know (insert her name here) has a lot of jewelry...wait $50??!! Get outta here...

Cole Haan ´Stephanie´ Roll Bag, from Nordstrom. $295. Male Thought Process: It must suck to be a woman. All of my clothes combined probably cost less than $295.

Gingerbread Man Suitcase, from philosophy. $38. Male Thought Process: Hey now we're talking! Cookies sound good right now, and it's packaged in a cute mini-suitcase that she'll love. Hold on a second, where are the cookies?? "The gingerbread man gift set includes a luxurious shower gel and bubble bath, a pampering shimmer body souffle and a delicious flavored lip shine- all infused with philosophy's famous gingerbread scent." Weak! Why do you tease me, Gingerbread Man?

And while there are some better gifts on here, let's move somewhere else because Bill Gates probably had a hand in that list anyway...onto yahoo.com.

Hey it looks like Yahoo made it even easier for us to find a gift for that special lady. They break down their "Gifts For Her" page into 6 different age groups. So far so good. Step 3 says to pick the relationship (My Wife, My Girlfriend, My daughter, My Mother, etc.). Okay now what do I get them?? Oh wait, step 4 says to pick their lifestyle (options include: Eclectic, Homebody/Foodie, Modernist, and Urban Hipster, among 13 other categories).

Crap, now I have to get out my Marketing Studies book from college to see what all those terms mean, hold on...

For the heck of it, I click on Urban Hipster. And the results are very disappointing. iPods, more handbags, a coffee maker?

Back to the drawing board. The Internet has failed me for the first time ever. At this point, guys think: "Do I dare make a trip out to the mall? Yes, but I've got to go incognito, I don't want anyone knowing about this adventure."

I will say one thing about the eventual "trip to the mall." It's never a good sign when you walk in to do Christmas shopping for her, but the first store you visit is the video game shop. Male Thought Process: She doesn't have this version of Madden. If she doesn't want it, I would gladly take it off her hands. No one wants to return a gift during this time of the year.

Kind of like when Homer bought Marge a bowling ball for her birthday with the name "Homer" engraved on it, in case she didn't like it.

So you finish up the trip to the mall, and hopefully you didn't overpay for some gaudy jewelry that she'll never wear or buy the $8 perfume gift set from Famous-Barr. The only thing left to do is to break out the gift wrap and put your purchase under the tree.

I'd like to finish up by saying good luck to the guys out there. Hopefully that gift is not a) you're death wish and b) the precursor to the "make up" gift that you'll have to buy her on December 26th.

And to the ladies, bear with us. One of these days we'll get it right. In the meantime, enjoy your new vacuum cleaner honey!



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