Jessica Simpson vs. The Field

I've always remembered a particular insignificant moment in wrestling history--a Monday Nitro interview between Mean Gene Okerlund and Diamond Dallas Page. Page was going up against WCW Champion Goldberg at the upcoming pay per view (yes, this was during the era that I refer to as "when wrestling was cool"). Mean Gene was talking to DDP about the match when he blurted this out of his mouth: "I just got off the phone with the oddsmakers in Vegas, and they say that you are a HUGE underdog in this matchup against Goldberg! What do you have to say about that, DDP?" Anyone's first reaction at the time might have been, 'well no kidding he's a huge underdog, what a dumb question.' But then you play that back in your head and think: 'Did Mean Gene just say he talked to Las Vegas oddsmakers about odds on pro wrestling???'

Yes he did, and now some 6 or 7 years later I come to find out that those guys do exist. They put out betting odds about everything--including what chances the writers of this webpage have hooking up with Jessica Simpson now that she is single. Technically all these guys had a chance while she was married, but over the last month the odds have become significantly better.

Here is some brief background information of each writer, along with their respective odds, brought to you by the "Too Much Time on our Hands Gaming Commission of Las Vegas."

Current Status: Married, Fantasy Football Fan, Big Loser
Previous Relationships: Bad
What He Has Going For Him: Lives in Jessica's hometown state of Texas, accountant, can head fake her until the cows come home...and until he scores with her.
Hurts His Chances: Invented the Peyton Manning haircut, too much doobie rolling for Jessica's taste, would rep the KU like Nick repped Cincy 24/7, and according to our sources he masturbates to ESPN Classic.
Synopsis: Doesn't look good for York. The married thing might get in the way--he'd have to be sneaky about it. And "sneaky" doesn't describe anyone on this list. Current Odds: 1 in 5 million.

Matt aka "Hollywood"
Current Status: Single, Bitter, Wrestling Fan
Previous Relationships: Screwjob
What He Has Going For Him: Bad-Ass guitar player, not a jerk like the other 5 and would treat Jessica like a Queen. Plus, she married Nick Lachey, so she's obviously got a thing for underachievers.
Hurts His Chances: Probably too dorky to hang out with Jessica, musical genre has passed him by (after attending a Story of the Year concert, Matt realized he was old and washed up). Lives in Mayfield, Kentucky and Jessica is not known to visit very often.
Synopsis: Matt doesn't do a lot of dumb things that hurts his chances, assuming you throw wrestling, cartoons, and Jason horror movies out the window. Probably not slick enough to close the deal--although "slick" is another word that does not describe anyone here. Current Odds: 1 in 3.5 million.

Do any of these clowns have a shot at Jessica Simpson?

Current Status: Single, Fantasy Football Fan, Pants Pooper
Previous Relationships: Trainwreck-esque
What He Has Going For Him: Worked in construction, engineer, Jessica won't have to worry about Tony getting hit on by other women--especially waitresses.
Hurts His Chances: By engineer, we mean software engineer (cue the 'WAH WAH WAHHHH' music), lots of clean up and burps to deal with, has almost all the qualifications to be "softball guy," and he owns a Derek Jeter kite.
Synopsis: Tony has failed a previous attempt at picking up a sexy available woman (see: Hooters Girl Story). Also keep in mind the "hurts his chances" list is the condensed version. But unlike most of the guys on this list, if given the one on one opportunity with Jessica, Tony is not shy and will definitely swing for the fences. Unfortunately the result would be another F-5. Current Odds: 1 in 2 million

Current Status: Single, Big Loser, Fantasy Football Fan
Previous Relationships: Non-existent, but still trainwreck-esque
What He Has Going For Him: Josh's biggest weapon is that he could debate her into having sex with him. The conversation might go like this: josh-"If you don't not have sex with me, then not the terrorists have already not won." Jessica-"...... (off come the clothes)." Also Josh likes to partake in a drink or two here and there, so getting Jessica drunk would be his second best weapon.
Hurts His Chances: Gets rowdy if he does not have his waffles, would ditch her to go to a trivia night or help someone move instead.
Synopsis: If he plays his cards right, he has a chance. But past history suggests it's not gonna happen. Josh was also a victim of the Hooters Girl incident. Plus he has some real jerks for friends. Current Odds: 1 in 1.5 million.

Current Status: Taken, Fantasy Football Fan
Previous Relationships: Borderline non-existent, but good
What He Has Going For Him: Could handle marketing and public relations for Jessica, has a "Welcome to the Gun Show" t-shirt, pop-a-shot master, and has the features of Nick Lachey (tall, dark hair, sports the 5 o'clock shadow a lot).
Hurts His Chances: Has the features of Nick Lachey, missed his current girlfriend's call while conducting a survey about this article, won't let Jessica win at anything--including a singing contest.
Synopsis: Shaun will have to rely on old school tactics to make it happen. Will the "Kennedy Charm" work on Miss Simpson without the assistance of alcohol in his system? Also his girlfriend is 1300+ miles away, so sneakiness would not be a problem, although Shaun would find a way to screw it up eventually. Current Odds: 1 in 1 million.

Current Status: Single, Fantasy Football Fan (although he's not good)
Previous Relationships: Little bit of everything
What He Has Going For Him: Works in the radio business, could play her songs in return for sexual favors. Also uses booze as weapon of seduction. Hustles little kids in the video game commonly seen in bars--Hoop Jones.
Hurts His Chances: Has a face for radio, prefers to play Kelly Clarkson songs, has multiple fart stories. Has no mercy for females who play Goldeneye against him...and it leads to black eyes instead of golden eyes, ha ha ha (sorry for the Jim Nantz line).
Synopsis: Justin also doesn't do a lot to turn away the women, although they find a way to give him the Heisman when necessary. But with his past history, combined with the drinking factor, Justin has made it to the top of this list. Current Odds: 1 in 750,000.


robdogg42000 said...

this is too funny

jeremy king said...

thats hillarious but I want to comment and tell everyone that wrestling was never cool, but they had nice slogans like al snow got head.

Dallas J. Hawk said...

Damn I am getting no love. TP has better odds then me WOW! And no game Rohour has the best odds of the bunch Vegas must have been on crack. Drugs are bad!

Anonymous said...

sorry york, on the bright side there are 98.9 million men age 15-64 (according to the CIA website). one would assume that these guys are the most likely candidates to hook up w/ jess. so your odds could be a lot worse.

as a side note, i liked when i asked justin and tony's advice for the "what you have going for you" part, they drew blanks until tony came up with the headfakes. you have a lot of jerks for friends too.

bibikcgrrl said...

I might have slept with Malt Liquor Man. I like conquering those with "non-exsistent" relationship experience. And I might have told him this if he ever answered his phone or had voicemail. But I've since had a spiritual revelation and am only giving myself to Jesus (or maybe the Buddha, or a lesbian or a virgin male-we'll see how it goes.)