BFS Standings (that's Bert Flex - Sir)

I know I'm a little late to the party to start my college foosball rankings with one week to go before the bowl season but I don't care, mainly because I think the pollsters and computers still have it wrong. Here you have the first ever BFS standings:

#1 Texas - That's right, Texas. I know USC hasn't lost a game since the New York Rangers were a playoff team. You know why Texas? 'Cause Texas BLOWS PEOPLE UP! Here's some nubers for you: 57, 3, 41, 31, 37, 25, 35, 19, 62, 52, 11. Do you know what those numbers have in common? That's the margin of victory for Longhornz games this season!!! Tejas has outscored their opponents by 373 points. That is retardiculous.

#2 USC - BOR-ING! Wake me up when they lose. All this winning feels like an EA Sports College Football Dynasty on Jason York's PS2 (Alton Univ. what?). Blah, blah, blah, Reggie Bush, blah, blah, blah, Matt Leinart, ENOUGH ALREADY! I'm tired of USC. I would call it hype but it's not hype when you're trying to three-peat. I'm just bitter that Notre Dame couldn't stop them on 4th and 9. Forget the Pac-10, they would win the NFC West but that's not enough to impress me. I told you I was hardcore.

#3 THE Penn State University - The Pennsy Nitty Kitties have shocked everyone this season, especially those who thought that JoePa was "D.U.N." done as a big-time coach. If it wasn't for some bad last second D against Michigan, this team would be the 3rd unbeaten. Maybe it's because I'm a Big 11 fan, maybe it's because it's been so long since PSU has been good, or maybe I Heart JoePa, but I'm taking them over the other one-loss teams.

#4 THE Louisiana State University - I would love to be happy for these kids. They've been through alot this year with the hurricane and then the NOLA fugees taking over their entire town PLUS they had to fumigate their home field after the Saints stunk up a couple of times. All that should make them a top 3 team. Too bad their one loss was to the most disappointing team in the history of the universe, the Tennessee Surrender Monkeys. That lone loss should exclude them from BFS contention because Tennessee is Tewwible. However, I decided to have a heart since they have been rolling people up since that loss, even though their non-conference schedule included North Texas (did they mean to schedule NOT TEXAS and the secretary screwed it up?) and Appalachian State. Maybe next year, they can schedule SIUE and UMSL. Then again, those schools both went undefeated this year and LSU did not.

#5 VaTech - You played in one meaningful game all season. One. Besides such demanding games as Duke, Marshall, and THE Ohio University, all you had to do was beat Miami. I know that Miami is tough. I mean, they only lost to GaTech by 4 points so you know they are for real. Your entire season came down to that game. Win and you're a national title contender. Lose and you're out. Eric Gregg must have been umpiring that day because you got rung up. Miami took it to you like Prince vs. Charlie Murphy. Just because you can still win the ACC (Almost Compeditive Conference) doesn't get it done any more. All we can hope is that Marky-Mark Vick didn't get the herpies from the same VaTech cheerleader his older bro did.

#6 Oregon - Yes Oregon is sixth. I know that no one outside the Pac-NW is giving them any love, but their only loss is to the USC Trojan Train so I can't hold that against them too much. They've handled their business and though they tried to lose to Washington State (where's Ryan Leaf?), they still went something-and-one in a major conference. That deserves a decent ranking and a BFS bid. I know that ND and OSU will get the two at-large bids, but it's a shame everyone's Ducking Oregon (I quack myself up).

#7 Ohio State - Big ups to the Suckeyes for taking on Tejas to open the season. Each team knew that the loser would be knocked out of contention for the national title before Labor Day. Well, that's what you get. Win that game and you might still be in the conversation at 10-1. Too bad you chose to enter the loser's bracket so early. That said, your two losses are to teams in the top 5 so you're the best of the 2 loss teams. Your reward: $10 mil less than your opponent Notre Dame will get to pocket for playing in the same game. Hey, at least you get part of Penn State's share too.

#8 Notre Dame - Michigan State? You're kidding right? That game didn't really happen. Everything else this season has been so great, from getting rid of Blackie Willingham to the discovery of Heisman Finalist Brady Quinn who had been doing his best Ron Powlus impersonation last season. It seemed like Touchdown Jesus was happy to see some good football being played in South Bend after years of mediocre teams. Then the dreaded Bad Loss walked into Notre Dame Stadium and planted the Spartan flag right in the hearts of the Irish faithful. Rodney Dangerfield has brought back dignity and good football to Notre Dame (someone said he looked like Charlie Weis but I don't believe them), as well as a $14 million payday. Maybe next year is the year.

#9 Auburn - All I really know about this team is that they exposed an overrated Tide team and for that we should all be thankful. I was tired of hearing about how Alabama was back when they hadn't proven anything. I'll give them a top 10 ranking as payback for them not getting to play for the national championship a couple of years ago.

#10 UCLA - This is a temporary position which will be removed after USC runs over the UCLA Speedbumps this coming weekend. Hey Bruins, good look but an ugly loss to Arizona cost you a shot at some respect this season. We could have had two unbeatens playing for the Pac-10 title the last weekend of the regular season. All this week, we could have heard Lee Corso try and convince everyone that UCLA actually has a chance in what he would have called "The Biggest Game of All-Time." Unfortunately you ruined that AND you have no chance this weekend. Zero. We won't be able to tell UCLA from WLCA (led by star QB Justin Rohour) after Southern Cal drops fiddy on you. Peace Bruins, we hardly knew thee.