BFS Standings (that's Bert Flex - Sir)

I know I'm a little late to the party to start my college foosball rankings with one week to go before the bowl season but I don't care, mainly because I think the pollsters and computers still have it wrong. Here you have the first ever BFS standings:

#1 Texas - That's right, Texas. I know USC hasn't lost a game since the New York Rangers were a playoff team. You know why Texas? 'Cause Texas BLOWS PEOPLE UP! Here's some nubers for you: 57, 3, 41, 31, 37, 25, 35, 19, 62, 52, 11. Do you know what those numbers have in common? That's the margin of victory for Longhornz games this season!!! Tejas has outscored their opponents by 373 points. That is retardiculous.

#2 USC - BOR-ING! Wake me up when they lose. All this winning feels like an EA Sports College Football Dynasty on Jason York's PS2 (Alton Univ. what?). Blah, blah, blah, Reggie Bush, blah, blah, blah, Matt Leinart, ENOUGH ALREADY! I'm tired of USC. I would call it hype but it's not hype when you're trying to three-peat. I'm just bitter that Notre Dame couldn't stop them on 4th and 9. Forget the Pac-10, they would win the NFC West but that's not enough to impress me. I told you I was hardcore.

#3 THE Penn State University - The Pennsy Nitty Kitties have shocked everyone this season, especially those who thought that JoePa was "D.U.N." done as a big-time coach. If it wasn't for some bad last second D against Michigan, this team would be the 3rd unbeaten. Maybe it's because I'm a Big 11 fan, maybe it's because it's been so long since PSU has been good, or maybe I Heart JoePa, but I'm taking them over the other one-loss teams.

#4 THE Louisiana State University - I would love to be happy for these kids. They've been through alot this year with the hurricane and then the NOLA fugees taking over their entire town PLUS they had to fumigate their home field after the Saints stunk up a couple of times. All that should make them a top 3 team. Too bad their one loss was to the most disappointing team in the history of the universe, the Tennessee Surrender Monkeys. That lone loss should exclude them from BFS contention because Tennessee is Tewwible. However, I decided to have a heart since they have been rolling people up since that loss, even though their non-conference schedule included North Texas (did they mean to schedule NOT TEXAS and the secretary screwed it up?) and Appalachian State. Maybe next year, they can schedule SIUE and UMSL. Then again, those schools both went undefeated this year and LSU did not.

#5 VaTech - You played in one meaningful game all season. One. Besides such demanding games as Duke, Marshall, and THE Ohio University, all you had to do was beat Miami. I know that Miami is tough. I mean, they only lost to GaTech by 4 points so you know they are for real. Your entire season came down to that game. Win and you're a national title contender. Lose and you're out. Eric Gregg must have been umpiring that day because you got rung up. Miami took it to you like Prince vs. Charlie Murphy. Just because you can still win the ACC (Almost Compeditive Conference) doesn't get it done any more. All we can hope is that Marky-Mark Vick didn't get the herpies from the same VaTech cheerleader his older bro did.

#6 Oregon - Yes Oregon is sixth. I know that no one outside the Pac-NW is giving them any love, but their only loss is to the USC Trojan Train so I can't hold that against them too much. They've handled their business and though they tried to lose to Washington State (where's Ryan Leaf?), they still went something-and-one in a major conference. That deserves a decent ranking and a BFS bid. I know that ND and OSU will get the two at-large bids, but it's a shame everyone's Ducking Oregon (I quack myself up).

#7 Ohio State - Big ups to the Suckeyes for taking on Tejas to open the season. Each team knew that the loser would be knocked out of contention for the national title before Labor Day. Well, that's what you get. Win that game and you might still be in the conversation at 10-1. Too bad you chose to enter the loser's bracket so early. That said, your two losses are to teams in the top 5 so you're the best of the 2 loss teams. Your reward: $10 mil less than your opponent Notre Dame will get to pocket for playing in the same game. Hey, at least you get part of Penn State's share too.

#8 Notre Dame - Michigan State? You're kidding right? That game didn't really happen. Everything else this season has been so great, from getting rid of Blackie Willingham to the discovery of Heisman Finalist Brady Quinn who had been doing his best Ron Powlus impersonation last season. It seemed like Touchdown Jesus was happy to see some good football being played in South Bend after years of mediocre teams. Then the dreaded Bad Loss walked into Notre Dame Stadium and planted the Spartan flag right in the hearts of the Irish faithful. Rodney Dangerfield has brought back dignity and good football to Notre Dame (someone said he looked like Charlie Weis but I don't believe them), as well as a $14 million payday. Maybe next year is the year.

#9 Auburn - All I really know about this team is that they exposed an overrated Tide team and for that we should all be thankful. I was tired of hearing about how Alabama was back when they hadn't proven anything. I'll give them a top 10 ranking as payback for them not getting to play for the national championship a couple of years ago.

#10 UCLA - This is a temporary position which will be removed after USC runs over the UCLA Speedbumps this coming weekend. Hey Bruins, good look but an ugly loss to Arizona cost you a shot at some respect this season. We could have had two unbeatens playing for the Pac-10 title the last weekend of the regular season. All this week, we could have heard Lee Corso try and convince everyone that UCLA actually has a chance in what he would have called "The Biggest Game of All-Time." Unfortunately you ruined that AND you have no chance this weekend. Zero. We won't be able to tell UCLA from WLCA (led by star QB Justin Rohour) after Southern Cal drops fiddy on you. Peace Bruins, we hardly knew thee.

if the nba were smart...

last year i submitted my resume to the national basketball association for a marketing assistant position via their website www.nba.com. of the thousands of resumes they received, mine was not one that they were too impressed by because i never received a phone call from them. it would have been weird moving to new york city, but a marketing job w/ the nba would have been awesome. i honestly thought they needed me...after last year's debacle with the pacers/pistons fight, all the bad publicity drawn in from the kobe bryant case, and complaints from the fans about players portraying a "thug" image to the youngsters watching at home. here is one idea that they missed out on:

at the start of the 2005-2006 season, the nba adopted it's new dress code. The full list of "do's and don'ts" are on the nba website if you care to read them. many players sounded off about this topic even though their OWN players union agreed to it. if the nba were smart, a) they would have hired me in the first place and b) they would ask mark madsen for their help.

why mark madsen you ask? reverse psychology.

i know the nba is not smart enough for regular ol' psychology, so this may be hard to understand for them. but here's my idea: david stern secretly calls mark madsen at home (since i doubt madsen has a cell phone). he asks him to fake an injury for a week or so, in exchange for some cash, a short shopping spree at the mall, and some popsicles. madsen sits out the next couple games, but according to the agreement he reached w/ stern, he has to sit on the bench in his own "hip hop gear." I'm talking a throwback mark eaton jersey, sagging jeans, headphones, white t-shirt draped over his shoulder, timberlands, do-rag with sideways hat (obviously color coordinated to match the eaton jersey), and most importantly the iced out double M chain hanging from his neck. and it wouldn't hurt if he slapped courtside reporter michele tafoya on the ass as she walked by. could you imagine the outrage shown by other players? "mark madsen can't wear that shit!" they would yell.

the next step to this master plan is the effect it has on the rest of the league. who would want to break the dress code now? you'd be on the same list as mark madsen. even worse--mark madsen (in theory) spent more money than you on his outfit. suddenly wearing a button up shirt and sportscoat doesn't sound so bad, does it? looking professional sounds a lot better than looking like the dope that just came from kevin federline's closet.

reverse psychology fools.

it works on everyone, including myself. for example, i am not a smoker. never have, never will. this is a good thing and you probably assume it is because of health concerns or the high cost of cigarettes. no, i've got an even better reason why i don't smoke: carson daly. yes that's right carson daly smokes cigarettes and i do not want to associate myself with him. you cannot find enough cool smokers in the world to counter that, i'm sorry. everyone should follow this rule of thumb: if carson daly does it, i want no part of it.

and if mark madsen wants to wear throwback jerseys, well maybe it's time to find a new trend.

unfortunately the nba is not smart enough to realize what they are missing out on. this is just one of many genius ideas they bypassed when i didn't receive that phone call last year. oh well--it's their loss. maybe i'll see if the folks at slamball are hiring...

never too early...

the top 5 prospects for the 2006 NHL draft, according to http://mckeenshockey.rivals.com. one would hope that the blues would not fall past the 5th pick, but let's hope for that #1.

1. Phil Kessel, C, Minnesota (WCHA), 6-0, 190Scout's Take: "He is to this draft what Ovechkin and Crosby were the past two years. This guy is a turbo-charged rocket with explosive speed, great quickness and a big shot. He shows the kind of offensive firewagon hockey I have not seen since Kovalchuk."
2. Michael Frolik, RW, Kladno (Cze), 6-1, 185Scout's Take: "Best sixth sense in the draft but he is not a game breaker like Kessel. Shows progress in skating and has added more of a nasty side to his game."
3. Jonathan Toews, C, North Dakota (WCHA), 6-2, 185Scout's Take: "One of the more complete players in the draft. Has elite dangle, outstanding imagination and impressive dedication at both ends of the ice. Only quibble is that he is not an elite skater."
4. Peter Mueller, C, Everett (WHL), 6-2, 210Scout's Take: "Reminds of Mike Richards, but with more power. Not fast, but is smart and tenacious. Always comes away with the puck because he is so strong and determined. Future captain."
5. Erik Johnson, D, NTDP-18 (USA), 6-5, 225Scout's Take: "Great raw promise, but patience is required. This is a guy with a pro-type body; he is smooth in all directions and has untapped offensive upside. Potentially huge pay-off here."

Take your vitamins and say your prayers

This is officially my first submission to the groundbreaking site known lovingly as Bertflex. We are supposed to keep our material geared towards sports and the sporting world. This is a post about the retarded cousin of sports a.k.a. professional fake wrastlin' and the tragedy that has befallen it........again. Let the record show that I do not actively participate in the act of watching wrastlin'. Although ,when I was 9, I religiously watched the WWF on Sundays after church, almost as if it were an extension of that morning's service. Over a week ago Eddie Guerrero or "Latino Heat" ,as he was fondly called, was found dead in his hotel room. Death is no stanger to the world of wrastlin': Owen Hart plunging to his demise in Kansas City, and of course Andre the Giant who choked to death after trying to eat Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka. I'm cringing right now, thinking of all the "rednecks" I'll be seeing at the mall wearing the obligatory R.I.P. Eddie Guerrero t-shirts. I personally believe Eddies death is a sham, purpetrated by none other than Vince "the word -shame- is not in my dictionary" McMahon. This is just the beginning of a great storyline that should carry WWE into the new year. I can just see it now Wrestlemania 53, or whatever one they're up to now, the "ghost" of Latino Heat will come back to take on "insert current heavyweight champion here" for the belt. Pay-per-view will never be the same. If you are a follower of wrastlin' and you are seething right now upon reading this, I don't care because you are not important. Peace.

this is it

mark this date on yo' calendars: nov. 15, 2005. bert wins the mvp and bertflex.com is up and running. i'm in, tp's in, the 314 and 618 is gonna take over. as a wise man once said, "it's not my job to stop me." and you won't...