Women's College Softball: Setting Broads Back 100 Years

I'm not what one would call a feminist. I didn't vote for Hillary Clinton in the primary -- I don't want the dreaded "3 a.m. phone call" to go unanswered because the president is at an all-night Pampered Chef party -- and Lord knows it wasn't my idea to teach the fairer sex to read. But spilled milk and all that, you know?

Even though these positions won't garner me any coatroom quickies at the next NOW convention, I feel it is my duty to point out the biggest threat to women's credibility this side of "The View:" women's college softball. Call it a sick fascination or a tremendous waste of time, but I can't help watching the Women's College World Series, currently airing on the Deuce. What gripes could I have with a sportswomanlike test of skill and desire? Here's a partial list:

  1. The bases are 60 feet apart. I play vintage baseball with a bunch of middle-aged men, and we manage to truck our asses 90 feet to first base. I think college athletes probably could do the same. 
  2. The ball is a dazzling shade of neon yellow. They're playing in daylight. Even at night, I think a white ball would stand out pretty well -- it seems to in every other version of baseball ever created.
  3. The girls wear visors (well, some do -- others don't sport any cappage at all) and ponytails. Hell,
    even the coaches just dress in polo shirts and khakis like they're coaching their kids' soccer team. I'm not saying I want to see them all sporting a Jay Buhner, but could we at least get some adjustable caps that the girls can pull their ponytails through? And maybe they all wear the same thing, including the coaches? You're supposed to be a team, damn it. Dress like one. 
  4. The high-fiving, my God, the high-fiving. I swear their was a group high-five last night after a routine ground-out. Why do they seem so surprised that they were able to pull off something as tricky as a 4-3? Act like you've been there before, ladies.
  5. Not all teams do it, but Arizona State is wearing the helmets with the faceguards. Part of being a ballplayer is being willing to take a shot in the mouth. Wait, that didn't come out like I meant it .... or did it?
  6. The sideline reporter tonight is Holly Rowe. I'm not judging, but Holly Rowe is a top comp for 75% of these girls. They don't send Erin Andrews to cover this mess.
Now, I'm not saying that these fine young ladies should find themselves a kitchen, kick off their shoes, and get all pregnafied. Far from it. I'd like to see them play -- gasp! -- honest to goodness baseball. 

Title IX was supposed to be about equality. So why are they voluntarily playing an inferior game?

1 comment:

Mad Librarian said...

I like how they all wear hair ribbons to detract from their mannishness. I should probably start doing that.