7.14.2006

Who's Shitty

Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another installment of the Who's Shitty fantasy report, America's favorite place to go for fantasy baseball opinions. Tony Pellegrino, webmaster and fantasy expert will check the mailbag and answer five fantasy questions every week, so hopefully yours will get answered. If you're lucky, Tony might call your favorite fantasy player Shitty, which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the bertflex glossary).


Copying our friends at Yahoo!, here is another badass picture of Tony Pellegrino...

Just another badass picture of me? This time, I'm getting ready to hit a mammoth home run off Josh--when I hit the top of the lightpole. Too bad I missed that one or it would have really gone a long way, like to Memphis. Poor Josh. Sometimes I feel bad for him that he'll never get to experience that kind of greatness. He came out of the game soon after, claiming that he pulled a muscle but I think we all know that he actually got whiplash from all the home runs he gave up. For those who don't know, that's not just some chump standing at home plate. That is the most prolific home run hitter in sandlot history. Pay your respects!

1. (Anthony R.-St. Louis/sometimes Memphis) Tony, I believe that I am probably the best pitcher the Cardinals have on the team this year. I know that I get shelled here and there after a long night out at Hrabosky's. What do you see in the future for me? If you give me a good review, I'll put you in my Top 8 on MySpace.

Listen up kid, until you have a Cy Young award and win 20 games (in a season, not a career), you need to back the eff up. Second best right now? Probably, at least until Mulder starts doing HGH again. Yes you did shut down the White Sox and I'll give you some props for that but you've got to start giving us more than 5 innings a start like you have recently. It's also interesting to me that you've given up 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 earned in your six starts this year. Let's hope you don't continue growing the collection there. I see you becoming a good #2 starter with a (that's right, I said it) Matt Morris career path. Prove me wrong.

2. (Maltliquorman-wherever Tilt is sold) So Mr. Fantasy Expert, how are you doing in your league(s) this year? What are your plans for the second half?

In my keeper league where I punted the season to get Pujols, I'm doing better than everyone else in the league. How am I doing that since I'm in dead last in the standings? Easy, I've got Pujols for the rest of forever. For. Ev. Er. My plans in that league for the second half are to trade you for Tejada and sleep well at night knowing that I will kick everyone's asses next season.

In my single season league I'm doing effing terrible. My pitching is horrible (3.5 points total in W, K, ERA) so I think I'm screwed. My goals for the second half are to beat Justin since finishing behind him is unacceptable. It's been a rough year, but hey, even the Yankees don't win every year.

3. (Shaun-63042) Tony, Ratface fired by the 'Stros? And replaced by Sean Berry? Has there been a worse firing/hiring in the history of the world?

People who are hired to be batting coaches always make me laugh. You'd think guys like George Brett, Tony Gwynn, and Willie McGee would be batting coaches but instead you get Sean Berry, Gene Clines, and Dave Magadan. I'm waiting for 20 years to see the words "Adam Dunn, Hitting Coach, Cincinnati Reds" appear somewhere. I will laugh and laugh and laugh.

Pretty much the logic of firing a hitting coach goes like this: "Man our offense is terrible. It can't be that we're running Brad Ausmus, Adam Everett, and Preston Wilson out there every day. Ratface must be the problem. Smithers, hire me a new batting coach." The upside of this is maybe the Grizzlies will hire him and he can join Danny Cox and Jack Clark in the Frontier League.

4. (Peter G.-ICU) TP, everyone has given their "sleepers" for the second half of the season. Since it says at the top that this is America's favorite place to go for fantasy analysis, give me 5 or so guys who just can't be this bad, and will turn it around after 3 days off.

Hey Pete, take it easy. That just goes to show you that ESPN Mobile is hazardous to your health. Here's 5 guys you can count on to have good second halfs:

  • Jason Varitek (not going to keep hitting .230)
  • Bobby Abreu (has to hit for power some time, doesn't he?)
  • Morgan Ensberg (I can't believe I'm sticking up for this weiner)
  • Danny Haren (won't win games, but could have the lowest ERA in the 2nd half)
  • Javier Vazquez (look for his ERA to be in the low 3's second half)
5 guys who will suck ass in the second half:

  • Kenny Rogers (he's not an 11-3 pitcher, come on)
  • Mike Mussina (somebody tell Moose it's not 1995 anymore)
  • Troy Glaus (hitting .241 and that won't get any better, will still hit HRs though)
  • Freddy Sanchez (.358?!?! That's higher than the Pirates winning percentage)
  • AJ Pierzynski (the last time he hit .320 was in Legion ball)

5. (Big Head-Omaha) During the Cards games, Hardee's pimps themselves having the best burgers in the STL. We know that little star is lying. Where are the best burgers really at?

Me and the Hardee's Star is gonna fight. Seamus McDaniels in DogTown has some pretty good burgers. I've heard The Fatted Calf (great name), O'Connell's, and Chuck-A-Burger are good too though I can't vouch for them personally. Maybe this shows that we need a BertFlex outing to the above establishments and then conduct a poll. BertFlex contributors get ahold of me and we'll schedule an event.

I will admit that the new Hardee's burgers are the best fast-food burgers around, but that's like saying that Ian Snell is the best pitcher on the Pirates: while technically correct, it's not much of a compliment.

If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to shaunfanclub@hotmail.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years, so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.

1 comment:

Big Head said...

Damn TP, can't believe you didn't include the greatest Rat face moment in history...and you, Justin, and I were all there. Wrigley '97. Gaetti goes onto Waveland top 9. Place goes insane as J-Ro meets Steve Stone in the shitter. Later on throw nickles at Josh Lewin and you homos stick a pencil in my ear on the train. I think there was a Triple Play marathon somewhere during the night.

Bold call on the Hardee's burger. While good, a Jumbo Jack is at least equal to and maybe better. If it is accompanied by dos tacos there hasn't been a more lethal combination since Kurt Cobain and heroin.