7.06.2006

Who's Shitty

Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another installment of the "Who's Shitty" fantasy report, America's favorite place to go for fantasy baseball opinions. Tony Pellegrino, webmaster and fantasy expert will check the mailbag and answer five fantasy questions every week, so hopefully yours will get answered. If you're lucky, Tony might call your favorite fantasy player "Shitty," which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the bertflex glossary).

We apologize for the lack of article last week. Even though we received thousands of questions, none were good enough to make the cut. Yeah, that's it...if you have a question for Tony, please see the bottom of this article for the details. If you are a friend of the bertflex.com staff, it is very likely you'll get your question published. Then you can tell your friends how cool and famous you are for getting your name printed on our site.

Just like our idols at Yahoo's fantasy headquarters, we like to feature badass pictures of our expert, Tony Pellegrino. In honor of the 4th of July holiday, this week's badass picture takes us back in time to 1776. Here we see a picture of Ruddiger Von Pellegrinah, 18th century politician and part-time bowler from Massachusetts. Pellegrinah was so offensive to others, he was not chosen to sign the Declaration of Independence because of his outlandish statements and constant burps while serious matters were being discussed.

In 1752, he confronted a young John Adams and told him that he's "John Hancock without the power." Unfortunately that statement bit him in the ass as Adams and Hancock went on to earn degrees from Harvard, and became two of the most famous men in United States' history. This is the earliest documented occurrence of the "Pellegrino Curse," but we are sure that it happened multiple times before that day.

After the Declaration was signed on July 4, 1776, Ruddiger looked at the document and said, "Thomas Jefferson? Who's this homo? Oh he's coming out of Virginia? He's shitty!"

That was the last straw--Massachusetts quickly traded Pellegrinah to a small Italian village in New York, where he changed his last name to Pellegrino and converted to Italian. The trade reflected Pellegrinah's value, as New York only had to send some used wigs and the rights to Ben Affleck in return.

Ruddiger Pellegrino was able to pass on his legacy before his death. Generations of Pellegrinos carried on his tradition of obscene behavior. None has lived up to his standards quite like our own Tony Pellegrino. So in honor of tradition--going back to the early days of this great country--let's get to those questions and find out Who's Shitty.

1. (Ozzie-south side Chicago, IL) I hate Who Sheetty. I tink dat you Tony Pelagrrrrino es a homo anna piece of shit. People say dat I need to go to anger mang-ment, but I say to dem 'fuck you, I kill you'. I win World Serie last year an I hate dat when people tink of Ozzie, dey tink of Ozzie Smeef. Instead of anger mang-ment classes, you tell me what to change.

I'm glad you hate Who's Shitty, but Dusty Baker hates it more (because I'm white) so you're officially in second place in the Chicago Manager Who Hates Who's Shitty (CMWHWS) standings. As an offensive person myself, what The Man will let you say is an ever-changing list of "acceptable" slurs and it's hard to keep up. Here's a multiple choice question to get you ready:
Mariotti is... A) a douche B) a cracker C) a stupid wop dego D) all of the above
Mariotti is not... A) a fag B) an Afro-Saxon C) a gook D) all of the above
Just gotta brush up on the "what'll getcha fired" and then you're all good.


2. (J. York-Dallas, TX) TP, last Thursday was "Big Comeback Night at the Ballpark." We were able to see the return of AJ Burnett, Rocket Roger, and Mr. Flex himself, all in one night. Thoughts?

Roger is overrated (see previous Who's Shitty's) and is only coming back after being suspended from baseball for steriods (link) so I don't really care about that one. The Astros are so terrible, Clemens needs to go 25-1 the rest of the way for them to make the playoffs. AJ Burnett's comeback would be more exciting had he not hurt himself swimming in his pool filled with hundred dollar bills he raped from the Blue Jays in the worst signing since Chan Ho Park. Bert should not be coming back this early. To me, we should keep him out until at least the break if not August. I'm not afraid of the Reds and we're going to win the division anyway. Last thursday is shitty.

3. (Big Head-Park Ave.) Mark Mulder blows more than Sandwich's sister (sorry Beth, needed an analogy). I felt buyer's remorse just for picking him. Console me.

You're with me, Mulder. I had him in one league and yeah, he's effing terrible. I love how the club put him on the DL. I was hoping he'd be listed as "Mark Mulder, P, StL - 15 day, shittyness." Luckily the Cards just signed Major League Headcase Jeff Weaver so it's all gravy now. We are absolutely screwed and so is your team.

4. (Big Sandwich-Imo's) I just added Gary Matthews Jr. and Yuniesky Betancourt to my fantasy teams. Does this officially mean my season is over? Also, Casey Blake is lingering on the DL and was falling off considerably before the injury. Should I just drop him or try and get SOMETHING for him in a trade, if I could get a six pack of beer that would be good enough.

Your season was over the minute you went far enough down the waiver wire to see those names. Also, Casey Blake should just be cut. I can't imagine anyone thinking he's actually a good player. He's way more likely to hit .220 than .320 the rest of the year. Then again, you don't have anything to lose since you're already done.

5. (Big Ben Sleeplisburger-IL side) Tony! The 4th of July is coming up. What do fantasy baseball experts like to devour on days like this? Where does the 4th rank in your mind, as far as the "Eating" holidays go?

4th of July is a great eating holiday and one of my favorites. In fact, it may be the #1 eating holiday of the year. I know that sounds like blasphemy but stay with me here... I attended 4 barbeques this past weekend. What other holiday do you get to eat like a madman for FOUR straight days? Top that off with the annual Kobayashi Invitational at Coney Island and I can't say that anything could beat that. Hot dogs, hamburgers and pork steak are the classic items for a July 4th 'que. If you're somewhere that they're not having any of those 3 as an option, you're hanging out with some un-American tree-hugging Commies. Let me know where they live and I'll have them "taken care of."
Notes: Ribs and chicken wings make great side dishes. Donut burgers are best consumed by more than one person at a time. At 6pm when the BertFlex hotdog eating contest was about to begin, Schnucks was completely out of hot dog buns. Not one in the whole store. It was awesome.

If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to shaunfanclub@hotmail.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years, so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.

2 comments:

sir said...

It's a shame that the history books have forgotten the contributions of my ancestors and misquoted them as well.

First of all, the Continental Congress wanted to make West Virginia one of the original colonies, to which Ruddiger Von Pellegrinah (or Rudi as the family calls him) replied "All the territory west of Virginia has is bootlickers, injuns, and pocket-grabbers." At least he was right about West Virginia.

The quote about John Adams is true, but was taken out of context. In the Federalist Papers, Rudi wrote a Fantasy Revolution column called "Those Who Are Tawdry Louts" where his analysis of Adams was "I see him becoming a pretty good leader but not a great one. Mainly suited as a role player or part of the supporting cast, he projects out to Benedict Arnold on the low side and Samuel Adams on the high side. Think John Hancock without the power." I don't think he was too far off in that assessment, if only because Hancock was overrated at the time the issue went to press.

His comments about Jefferson were misquoted, an error that persists to this day. The actual quote was "Thomas Jefferson, the tobacco grower from Virginia, you say? He certainly wouldn't amount to much without all those slaves." The discussion was about Jefferson as the "Greatest Living Virginian" with Rudi pushing for Partick Henry to be bestowed the honor. Pellegrino curse indeed.

Thanks for letting me set the record straight.

hazelwood's most wanted said...

because i'm a dork, i googled "famous virginians" and found this site:

http://www.virginia.org/site/features.asp?featureID=82


obviously former bill and v-tech star bruce smith is the greatest thing to ever come out of virginia, but a few others are interesting to note.

-missy elliot
-dave mathews (after coming from south africa)
-george c. scott, who is most famous for portraying Hans Mulmann in the Academy Award nominated "Man Getting Hit By Football."