Just Sayin'

So ESPN has the women's College World Series on right now (not even the Deuce -- it's on the "real" ESPN). Doing color commentary for the women's CWS: John Kruk.

Now you can't tell me that anyone would know the difference if Kruk put on a Bama jersey and took over at first base.

Just sayin'.

Yellowjackets! Know How To Party!

Co-Editor's note: Sir called me last night questioning whether this should run or not. I was kind of alarmed because Sir doesn't get offended by anything, especially his own offensive behavior. After reading this, I didn't think we should publish it, and I too, do not get offended by much. But if I've ever learned anything from Vince McMahon, I think we should at least run something to draw attention to ourselves.

Without further ado, here is the first ever censored article on bertflex.com! The censored parts are blocked out with dashes. Congrats to Sir for this accomplishment! If you'd like to know what Sir actually said, email him and I'm sure he'll tell you in detail.

On the eve of the College World Series, we receive this report out of Atlanta regarding the death of hurler Michael "----" Hutts*

ATLANTA (AP) - Heroin was involved in the death of a Georgia Tech pitcher who died from an accidental drug overdose.

Michael Hutts died from accidental morphine toxicity, according to a report released by the Fulton County medical examiner's office on Friday.

Blood tests were needed to establish which substances Hutts had taken to account for the morphine detected in the autopsy samples.

Hutts' roommate was quoted in the police report as saying the pitcher was visited the night before his death on April 11 by a friend who was known to use heroin.

Heroin is processed from morphine, a naturally occurring substance extracted from the seed pod of certain varieties of poppy plants, according to the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration.

Now I'm not one to make fun of someone's death (that's a lie, I totally am) but ---- ---, -- ---- -- ------. -- ---------- -- -- --- ------- -------- -- ---------- --- -- ----- ------ ------ ---- ------- -- --- ------- -------- ------- ---- ---- --- --- ----- -- - ----- ---------? --------- ---, -- ------- ---- ------ -------, -------- -- ---- --------. ---- ----- ----- --- ------ -- ---- --- ---- ------. --- ---- -- - -------- -- -------- ----...if you die stupidly, I will make fun of you. Ramblin' Wreck, indeed.

I also love that one of the paragraphs of the article gives the D.E.A. description of heroin, in case you weren't aware of that.

* ---- was not his nickname in life, but I find it appropriate for him in death.

Earl Weaver Lays It Down

Once again ripping off my ideas from the good Sir, I hereby present "Manager's Corner with Earl Weaver." The next time someone tells you that the Cardinals should add some team speed, tell that douche that they should put this interview in their pipe and take it to the bank, baby.

Also, there's some excellent gardening advice. And the theme music gets me all tingly.

Are You Ready

(Posted at Mizzourah earlier)

And the answer is a definitive 'yes, this is what I've lived XX years for'. It is the 1st Mizzourah/Bertflex RBI Baseball Tourney going down in Omaha over the CWS. You coming to Omaha for the CWS? There isn't shit to do after/before the games other than to drink and eat...and now play RBI Baseball.

RBI and College baseball are similar in many ways:

-PING!!
-Bad Muzak being played during the game
-You're drunk
-25-19 scores aren't uncommon
-Check swings get it out of the park
-Homers aren't cheap. You blast it high enough that it was the last thing Payne Stewart saw.
-Dingers are done with flair and damage.

Sir from Bertflex has confirmed, and with an RBI Tourney being announced, I imagine this could bring HMW out of the woodwork. I'm expecting Sammy Vegas from DXP to be involved and give shitty odds to us all. So grab your Powerglove and send an email to bullyforoldmizzou@gmail.com or comment and confirm that you're in for some RBI extravaganza. Probable date of Sunday, 6/15, with the possibility of a rain (see Hangover) date of Monday night.

Bert Blyleven in ......... the GREATEST! INTERVIEW! EVAR!!!!!

Stop what you're doing right now and click this link: Answer Man: Bert Blyleven. Yes I know it's a Yahoo link and those usually suck. This one definitely does not. In fact, that's where this AWESOME picture of Bert came from. There are eight questions about Blyleven's flatulence in the interview. He also talks about dropping those F-bombs on live TV a few years back. I'm starting to think we might be honoring the wrong "Bert" here at Bert Flex. Discuss.

Nickname Alert!!!

From Thursday's "Bernie's Extra Points":

I’m gonna call Chris Perez “CPR” because the other team needs it after inhaling that 98 mph heat. CPR fits, of course. Chris Perez, Reliever.

On discussion with the Good Face, we've decided to call Bernie "BM" because, well, you know...

Callin' You Out: Softball Magazine

Ladies and gents, I had a major discovery the other night at Books-A-Million. Naturally I was checking out the magazines, since them books is hard tuh reed. I walked by the rows of porn (very slowly) and went straight to the sports section. After looking for a Baseball 'Mericah and not finding one, I glanced over and my mouth dropped after seeing something I have never seen before: Softball Magazine.

Not just fast pitch...slow pitch too. Some D-Bag is even featured on the cover of the current issue (left). And you know what? Their site says they've been around since 1996! That means they were celebrating their 5th anniversary when a certain team of mashers won the UMSL Rec Sports Tournament in the spring of '01. And they didn't even interview us, let alone put us on the damn cover?! Go to hell Softball Magazine!

Do the right thing and let us retell the story of our road to glory. I can even show you my Rec Sports Champion t-shirt, along with the homemade markered-up shirt I wore that day.

The championship game alone doesn't do the story justice, it has to be like a ten page spread; we'll even reenact the entire thing for you so you can take pictures. Do the right thing Softball Mag...do it.

Email me now: haymang@yahoo.com

Sir could tell the story. Maltliquorman could tell it. Annie Fresh could tell it. Even though he wasn't there, I'm sure Big Sandwich has heard this one a few thousand times; he could tell it. On the other hand Jon Frost had no idea what happened...he was home by the time we were lighting up the scoreboard.

Email me Softball Magazine. Seriously.

Or catch me on the diamond, I play 16 games a week.

Thar's A New Likes Tuh Fight Guy In Town

Maybe it's funny pictures week here at bertflex or something, but I felt that this was right up our alley:



George Flex was at the Air Force commencement on Wednesday and it looks like he had a good time. There are a bunch of other photos, including a chest bump, Heisman pose, and an attempt to dance with one of them African-'Merican fellows.

Where is Mike Shannon?

Click here and go to Segment 5.

Listen to a little of the Shannon interview.

Notice the echo? Notice he's out of breath?

Now go to the 10 minute mark (exactly).

Flussssshhhhhh.

Classic. Straight out of Sir Pellegrino's arsenal, heh heh heh.

My Two Matts

With Sir officially proclaiming his love for Jay Bruce earlier this week, it is my duty to represent on my two newest man-crushes: Brewers OF prospect Matt LaPorta and Royals theoretical-SS prospect Mike "Matty" Moustakas.

Before we go any further, I should point out that I claimed these two (along with Josh Vitters) in the Hardcore Fantasy League the week of the '07 MLB draft. For nearly a month afterward, I was under the impression that Moustakas' first name was Matt before realizing I was, for the first and only time in history, wrong. But I really like the sound of "Matty Moustakas," so you can just effin' deal with it, big boy.

With the Channel 4 News Team pretty well blowin' donkeys this season, it's starting to look a lot like waiting 'til next year (or longer for Matty M.). Happily, both of these future C4NT-mates have been flexin' and mashin' down on the farm. LaPorta's Double-A line with Huntsville goes a little something like this: .291/.399/.587 with 13 d'oh!s and a 27/35 K/BB ratio. He's been playing mostly in right field -- partnered with Ryan Braun, the Brewers' corner OFs could be bringing the pain on a regular basis in the not-so-distant future.

As far as Moose Tacos Bell Grande goes, April was pretty much a sack of douche (.190/.253/.226 -- when your SLG < your OBP, you're in danger of entering Sucksville, population Neifi Perez), but this is less surprising when you consider that he's a 19-year-old in A-ball. More importantly, he has turned things around in a big way in May: He has hit six of his seven homers this month, and his line has improved to .254/.304/.429. After using the ping in high school, Moose is learning how to work the wood (hay-oooh!!11!).

Given how these two are playing, I'll be patronizing the MLB.com Shop very soon. One of my two Matts will be the debut entry in the Good Face's official line of Premature Prospect t-shirt jerseys. I just hope they make the sleeves big enough to corral my guns.

The Two Badass-iest Things to Come Out of Hazelwood West

No, not my left arm and right arm, but close:

1) Kyle McClellan
2) Me (did you expect these rankings to be fair?)

To show my support, I purchased a Kyle McClellan t-shirt jersey at the Mills mall Tuesday night. I'm guessing most of you are thinking that this is the leader in the clubhouse for "worst investment of the year." But I've got to give props to the '02 grad of THE Hazelwood West High School.

Evidently the Mills is McClellan-Central, because at least three sports stores had these ($20-25), and I didn't even check every store. For example, I'm pretty sure I saw some black McClellan shirts in the window at Hot Topic, along with matching bumper stickers and wristbands. Eh, that might have been Panic at the Disco gear, I was walking too fast.

But you can't even buy McClellan shirts at the stadium, unless they're hidden under all the Mulder t-shirts that are destined for shipment to Turkmenistan in the same crate as those Patriots 17-0 hoodies. So I truly feel lucky to own one. Normally I make fun of "that guy" who buys t-shirt jerseys of the new player before anyone else has them. Now I get to relish in all the glory of "that guy," fulfilling a lifelong dream.

So far, McClellan has 13 holds, good enough for 2nd in the Majors, to go with a save, 2.42 ERA, and nearly a K per inning. Click that link and you can even see some of his Upper Deck rookies going for a buck on ebay.

Even if McClellan flames out, I can always scratch his name out and change it to "Petkovsek" without having to face any criticism.

The Girl From Accounting Will Probably Win This Pool Too

If you're dorky enough to follow NCAA Baseball (the real thing, not the one where Tony slaps asses), and have a compulsive gambling habit, you'd probably be interested to know that Baseball America has set up a College World Series Bracket Challenge.

You can win a DeMarini bat which can be used for future Sandlot Slams, and more importantly, perfecting the art of the bat flip.

Click here to sign up. Who you got?

BRUUUCE!!! THAT WAS A GOOD ONE!

My newest man-crush finally got the call yesterday. Man-child Jay Bruce made his major league debut in last night's game against the Pirates and apparently finds the whole thing quite easy. Batting second, he went 3-for-3 with two walks, two runs, two RsBI and a double. Get on the Jay Bruce train NOW! Tickets are going fast and you do not want to miss out.

After Dusty Baker tried to get him to stop taking pitches all the time, he went down to Louisville and hit .364/.393/.630 until it was finally blatantly obvious, even to the Reds, that he might actually be able to play baseball better than Corey Patterson. Sadly for those of us who like baseball, Mr. Patterson is still on a major league roster this morning. Scott Hatteberg was the one who took the fall as the Reds gave him his walking papers. Now that the Reds have JB, Joey Votto, and Donkey, plus Johnny Cuervo, they are quickly becoming one of my favorite teams to watch. Luckily they have no pitching so I can be a fan of Reds players without suffering the indignity of actually being a Reds fan.

Just to rub it in your face, I own Bruce in my keeper league so I get to benefit from his exploits for the next three seasons. Yes, I know that no one cares about my fantasy team; too bad. This is "The Me Show" and I put it on blast. That's how I roll.

JURASSIC PARK!

**UPDATE 5/28 11pm: Video Evidence

Douche Bag Report: Overenthusiastic Fan in Section 129 Edition

Your flowing curly locks.  Your sweatbands.  your replica batting helmet with a 2006 World Series sticker plastered on the back.  Your casually unbuttoned navy McGwire jersey and bright red baseball glove.  Your endless droning chants that distract your own team and bleed into the TV and radio feeds.  Your joyous participation in the wave and inability to clap rhythmically.  Your high fives, back slaps, and liberal use of the finger gun.

All this led me to believe you were a 12-year-old with accelerated aging disease living your make-a-wish with season tickets.  But with a couple months of light recon (binoculars, nachos, Bud Light), I have determined that you are actually a grown man with the most developed case of douche baggery I have seen in my young life.  Hats off, sir.  You are now on my most hated list, right between Pol Pot and Dr. Claw.

Slater! NOOO!

The unwritten checklist of celebrity-type things that I'm allowed to post by my fellow Flexers need to meet at least one of the following criteria:

__ No more than once a week

__ TV star/rapper/athlete of the 80's or 90's

__ Hot chick (nudity preferred)

__ Violence

My friends, this is the ultimate: I have found something that meets all 4 of the qualifications listed above. You see, our buddy Albert Clifford Slater (or Mario Lopez if you're living in this century) was having a little too much fun at the beach. He must have had a flashback of one of his old Valley High rivals, because he decided to unleash some fury on his girlfriend. The face plant alone is awesome, but evidently they tried this maneuver again and it ended up with her slipping out of her top, all up in Slater's face, if you're into that kind of thing...

Somewhere in the distance I can hear: "GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY! She's broken in half! Somebody stop the DAMN MATCH!!"

X-tra Curricular Activities

As some of you may know The Good Face and I have other writing gigs on the internetz that 1) are highly paid, and 2) result in us getting offered many sexual favors from our female fans. Click the links below to see our writing talents in action:

-The Good Face giving Matt Stairs some love in his Sporting News fantasy column

-Me bringing heat in this week's insideSTL column, ranking the Cardinal Bar & Restaurants. There are only a couple worthless comments at the bottom, I thought more people would have chimed in. Tip of the cap to Hack for help on the JBuck's and Shannon's descriptions, and to The Good Face for the fine job of editing every week.

Funny Pictures

I'll try not to make a habit of this, but over the past long time I've been collecting images that make me laugh. Here are some of them:

College World Series Predictions

As some of you may know, I'm kind of a big deal I like college baseball. According to the powers that be, that makes me weird but that's ok. This will be the second year in a row that I'll be attending the College World Series in beautiful Omaha, Nebraska. Of course, like any good fan, I've watched zero college games up to this point. With that level of expertise under my belt, here are my predictions for who will win each regional and super regional.

Miami over Michigan*
Georgia Tech* over NC State
Fullerton over Stanford
Florida St. over Wichita St.*
Coastal Carolina over North Carolina
LSU over Nebraska
Rice over Texas A&M
Arizona State over San Diego*

*-Regional Upset

However, after last year's CWS, I'm rooting for the UC-Irvine Anteaters to make a charge. Local teams I'm rooting for but probably won't make it: Missouri, Illinois-Chicago, and Eastern Illinois. Missouri, who has been ranked as high as #3 in the nation, drew stupid #1 seed Miami in regionals. Good luck with that, Tigers. White boy Yandi Alonso is gonna eff your day up. I'd also really like to see San Diego make it to Omaha so I can watch Brian Matusz make people look silly.

I'm already looking forward to Arizona State making it to Omaha so that OF Mike Jones gets announced over the PA system again. If you don't understand what makes that funny, you don't belong here.

I'm Just Sayin'

Anyone ever seen Miami masher Yonder Alonso and Florida QB Tim Tebow at the same time?

The First Annual BertFlex Summer Intern Search

The other day, I noticed that those nerds at Baseball Prospectus have an ad out for intern positions. I must admit that it seems like it might be a cool gig -- who doesn't want to fawn all over Kevin Goldstein and his sexy ass -- er, sexy-ass prospect rankings.

Then it hit me: Why don't we get an intern? In true second-banana (third-banana?) style, I went over the head of my superior(s) and decreed that the First Annual BertFlex Summer Intern Search is officially underway.

Now, BP says that they are looking for U.S. students in "good standing" with their schools -- i.e., geeks and/or dweebs. We don't care about that. Our requirements:

1. Dudes need not apply. We have enough of them already and, with the exception of maltliquorman, none of us are really "eye candy."
2. You must be able to pick Jack Cust out of a lineup. This requirement can be waived if you have access to good seats at Busch Stadium that you would be willing to give us.
3. Uh, hmmm...I really hadn't thought this through. It would be cool if you had, like, an old NES we could play?

Duties (ha, "duties") of the winning applicant(s) are yet to be determined, but they likely will include some combination of food ordering and/or retrieval, along with Baseball-Reference.com consultation to resolve statistical disputes. Oh, and some light typing. Any and all interested parties can send their applications to haymang@yahoo.com. We look forward to hearing from you.

This is Our Porn

Our very own Sir was probably watching the Padres/Reds highlights over and over last night in a dark room by himself. It turns out that:

Padres Jerseys + Camouflage = 18 Inning Magic!













(And who doesn't want to squeeze Adrian Gonzalez's chest? Okay, besides Maltliquorman - he's faithful to Jake Peavy.)

When Making a List, Be Sure to Check It Twice

The St. Louis Post-Dispatch, bless its heart, is trying to court readers like Hazelwood's Most Wanted and myself with some MLB draft coverage. I haven't seen alphabetization like this since Lurleen Lumpkin's appearance on "Ya-Hoo!"

FIVE FOR CARDS (listed alphabetically)

1. Aaron Hicks, OF/RHP, Wilson H.S., Long Beach, Calif.
BA says he's "the finest prep OF/P prospect in greater (LA) since Darryl Strawberry." Switch-hitter has speed on the bases and 94 mph on mound.

2. Jason Castro, C, Stanford
Lefthanded hitter improved at catcher, also played outfield and first base in summer ball. Big, athletic build and swing hints that power will improve.

3. Zach Collier, OF, Chino Hills (Calif.) H.S.
Young high-upside pick at 17, the lefthanded hitter has great speed and the kind of raw athleticism and tools that, as some say, "you can dream on."

4. Ethan Martin, RHP/3B, Stephens County H.S., Toccoa, Ga.
Pegged as a gritty, power-hitting infielder, Martin has also emerged as top-tier pitcher with mid-90s mph arm. One pick could get two-way talent.

5. Tim Melville, RHP, Holt H.S., Wentzville
Local standout is the top prep pitcher available in the draft with radar gun-grabbing velocity, plus curve, and bankable body type, at 6-5, 210 pounds.

Who's Your Padre?

BertFlex breaks and sprains stuff.

Mah Name's Ken Rosenthal...People Call Me Ken Rosenthal

As I was heading to bed late last night, I flipped on the ol' television for a minute before dreaming about donutburgers and Jessica Biel (preferably in that order of importance).

Since I still had on FSN Midwest from the Cardinals/Padres game earlier in the night, everybody's favorite, The Best Damn Sports Show was on. I noticed host Chris Rose interviewing what looked like a nerdy high school kid possibly talking about a chess tournament or something. Actually it was FSN's Ken Rosenthal, wearing his Forrest Gump Halloween costume.

I hate to pull my fashion police badge out Ken, but tell your mom to pick out better clothes for you next time. I suppose your luggage could have gotten lost and this is all Best Damn could find laying around backstage, but I doubt it. Stick to the suits Kenny. Hopefully Rob Dibble didn't give you a wedgie after the show.

Douche Bag Report: Troy Glaus Edition

The "real" media is chiding Cardinals fans for failing to embrace Troy Glaus despite his newly hot bat (ha! hot bat) and more-than-respectable fielding percentage. But I think it's important that we set aside the statistics and acknowledge what we all know in our hearts: Glaus is a raging douche. Some evidence:

1. When a playable ball flies past Glaus and drops for a base hit, he adopts a limp-armed stance and vacant stare ala Daria Morgendorffer on the volleyball court.
2. Allergic conjunctivitis that strikes only during evening home games in April? Are you kidding me with this?
3. [(casually unbuttoned jersey+man necklace+Oakleys) x (irritating batting ritual at plate)] / haunting memories of former glory days = douche bag.

Plus, dude looks like Bruce Campbell. That shit ain't right.

Cris Carter Is An A--Hole

There, I said it.

You can't step to this!!!11!@!

Life's Good for Dave Kreig

Oh, you thought Dave Kreig was just the shitty Seahawk QB in Tecmo Bowl? Wrong! He's a playa as in hanging with two Playboy Playmates. One arm = one blonde. Lindsay Wagner and Spencer Scott are some sweet ass arm candy. But...


How's that feel Dave Kreig?

Breaking News: The BertFlex Media Takeover Continues

It's been a huge month for us, and to add to the huge-ness, I'd like to announce that bertflex.com has found its first sponsorship opportunity. Despite making no money on the site, we have decided to sponsor the 2006 World Champion Cardinals team page on baseball-reference.com for a mere $45. Some may call this a "bad business decision," while others say it's a "horrible business decision," but I love it. Kudos to the University of Missouri-St. Louis for my keen business sense.

We have been in touch with our accounting department and more sponsored pages are in the works (teams and/or players). See below for a look, or click here for the web page. Ahh, let that sink in. Buzz Bissinger is probably punching a wall right now.

Be A Better Fan of BertFlex

We've had a little more exposure as of late, so to any new readers (and those of you who have stuck with us over the years), here is our contact info and a few ways to be a bigger part of the BertFlex community:

-Email us any questions, comments, or concerns at haymang@yahoo.com. Another edition of the world renowned Who's Shitty Fantasy Report is in the works, so send your questions in! If you have no idea what that is, click the Who's Shitty tag to the right and find out.

-Comment on our articles. Even if you are not a contributor to the staff, let us know how much we suck at this blogging thing. Signing up is really easy, and we'd appreciate your praise, er "feedback."

-Buy your own bertflex.com jersey! To show you what they look like, here is Sir modeling the front, and the lovely Big Sandwich showing off the back. Even a Cubs fan knows what's up. Leave a comment below or email us and Sir will get in touch with you about ordering them. Sorry Likes To Fight Guy, you'll have to cut your own sleeves off.

-Subscribe to us. You can use any number of blog readers, like google reader (official choice of HMW), feed burner, or any other feed reader you so desire. This is especially helpful if work has blocked blogs from your internets. Besides us, be sure to subscribe to mizzourah.net (Big Head lost a lot of money at the track this weekend, so help him out). Signing up is also easy and it can gather tons of different sites that you read into one happy, magical place.

-Get a BertFlex-related tattoo. Just a suggestion...

Tigers Unleash the Fury; Nebraska Gets it All Over Themselves

(Originally posted on Mizzourah.net earlier tonight)

A few weeks ago I wrote about seeing the Tigers in action while playing a two day series in St. Louis. That night, after losing a 2-1 heart breaker, I complained about the lack of excitement due to the teams using wooden bats. Even high profile bloggers can go around hitting bombs with wood bats...well maybe not all of them.

To make up for that poor display of college baseball, BertFlex superstar 'The Good Face' and I took a little trip to Columbia, MO to catch game two of the Nebraska/Mizzou series. With a 22-9 beatdown, we were not disappointed in the least.

In all, there were 7 home runs and 6 HBP's. This is what I came to see.

The only complaints were that 1) Kyle Gibson did not start (he came in Friday night's game to throw six pitches in the 9th), and 2) we were forced to walk up the gigantic hill to Taylor Stadium. I thought that being a prestigious Mizzourah blogger, we would have had a guy in a suit holding a "HMW & Good Face" sign, so he could drive us up the hill in one of the golf carts. I see how it is around here. (Although I was going incognito today w/ sunglasses on, that's probably why...)

Seriously though, it was a fun time and we'll have to do it again next year. We were even part of history today, as we helped set a Mizzou single game attendance record - 3,126 in the stands.

To get a better understanding of how bad Nebraska got torched, check the box score. I sent a text to Big Head saying that I wanted to start the "O-VER-RA-TED!" chant in the second inning, but it seemed like a family crowd today, so I behaved myself.

With this win, the Tigers clinched the 4th seed in the Big 12 Conference Championship. The final game of the regular season is Sunday at 3:30, on FSN.

(See the photo gallery for pics, like Oh my God, it's Aaron Crow!! and what I call "Looper Face.")

Ted Drewes Ain't Got Shit On This!

Bacon has a special place in our hearts here at Bertflex, and by that I mean our poor arteries are working a lot harder than they should because of the "candy bar" of meats. It made it all the way to the Final Four of our Super Xtreme Asskickin' Monster Truck Firestorm Tournament of Death or SXAMTFToD, as we lovingly call it. The weather is warming up and bacon has invaded one of summertime's favorite indulgences, ladies and gentlemen:

There is now a viable reason to visit the state of Delaware. Udder Delight Ice Cream House also includes the following flavors in their arsenal: Memphis BBQ, Viagra, Cappuccino Stout Beer and Peanut Butter and Jelly which apparently won the World Series of Ice Cream in '04. There's a WSOIC! No wonder other countries hate us!

Rays-Cards: The Battle for the Good Face's Soul

If you've heard me speak or read my posts, you know that I have an affinity for the St. Louis Cardinals. Likewise, I am developing quite the crush on the Tampa Bay Rays. Through the magic that is interleague play, these two teams begin a three-game series tonight at Busch Stadium.

Ordinarily, a mid-May series wouldn't seem like such a big deal. But this isn't just any mid-May series. I'm putting the belt on the line: Whoever wins this best-of-three tilt gets my full and undevoted fandom for the rest of the season. If the Rays win, I'll lose half my wardrobe because I won't be able to wear my Cardinals-related apparel. If the Cardinals win, my Carlos Pena tattoo will just have to wait.

What does Esteban have to do with any of this? I don't know. When I googled "Cardinals Devil Rays," his picture came up.

Truth Facts of Yesterfar

Witches float.
The sun revolves around the Earth.
Poor health is the result of imbalanced humours in the body.
Black people are worth 3/5 of white people.*
Cigarettes: Good for you.

The Mad Librarian: Your Most Trusted Source of Truth Facts of Yesterfar.

* This is still considered a truth fact in at least three Southern states.

New Contributor

We have another new contributor to the BertFlex team - Mad Librarian. You may remember her from our 2008 Cardinal Off the Field Problem Pool.

What's that you say? Another giirrrl??? Well, we here at BertFlex have always been an equal opportunity employer when it comes to the opposite sex. That's about as far as it goes though, since we're coincidentally all a bunch of cracka's.

Please give a warm welcome to Mad Librarian, as she'll be helpful in cleaning up the BertFlex offices and making sandwiches posting a lot of quality content soon.

(At least I'm not racist)

Bat Like a Cardinal

Here's a great youtube video of Cardinal batting stances from the 80's to today. Stick with it until the end, the Tom Lawless is hilarious. It is quite reminiscent of some jerk playing sandlot a couple weeks ago...




These guys put out seven other videos here.

An Internet First

Yesterday at work, I partook (partaked? English is dumb) in an enlightening discussion regarding Africa. More specifically, we were discussing sub-Saharan Africa – at which point, it occurred to me that you never hear about the other half of the Cradle of Civilization: Uber-Saharan Africa.

The Mad Librarian and I confirmed this with a quick Google search (pictured somewhere around here). In the entire history of the Internets, no one had used that phrase. Until now. The next time someone googles "Uber-Saharan Africa," we're gonna dominate that search.

BertFlex: Re-shaping the Way We Think About Stupid-Ass Shit.

j15 edm0-4ds is a cub, rE-8lly?

So how long is it going to take until we hear "Louuu, it's tooo collld out here. I can't playyy todayy." Or "why haven't they cut this grass stuff off the outfield wall yet? Louuu?"

My take is that it's 100% obvious now that it was the right move to trade Jim Edmonds over the offseason. Luckily the Cardinals brass don't listen to the old ladies too much, although Dewitt & Co. were in this jam because of their own stupidity. The two-year deal after the '06 season was horrible judgement. I doubt that Edmonds was pushing the team hard to give him two years, I'm sure he would have been happy with them just picking up that option for '07. But I'm just a dumb blogger, ruining society with my click clacking on the computer machine, don't listen to me.

As for the Cubs, technically this is a low-risk signing, but at the expense of Felix Pie, Matt Murton, and the newly acquired (and useful) Reed Johnson, it's dumb...if you want slightly more analysis, read below. Being a Cardinal fan, hey we love ya Jimmy, but we are fully expecting you to take down the Cubs from within. Hopefully when the Cubs are mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, Edmonds will rip his jersey off, revealing a Cardinals shirt, completing the best heel turn of this decade.

I love hearing reaction on the Edmonds signing from our friends to the north. Maybe our resident Cub fan Big Sandwich will weigh in later this week, or Sir since he is in the heart of the furious Chi-town bloggers right now:

Ivy Envy - But if Jim Edmonds wears blue pinstripes, I will root him on. It’s going to be hard for me to stomach. Besides Barry Bonds and AJ Pierzynski, Jim Edmonds is probably my least favorite player. He is playing so poorly that he was cut by the worst team in baseball, but apparently Jim Hendry has a plan. Like they say, Jim “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”. We’re scoring runs just fine.

Chicago Cubs Blog - Hendry, will Edmonds do anything that Felix Pie can’t do? Who cares if Pie is struggling at the plate, at least he isn’t trying to play center field with bum legs like Edmonds is doing.

I don’t like the move one bit, and a lot of other Cubs fans that I have talked to think the same way. What do you think? Would a Cubs jersey burn right off of Edmonds when he put it on?

Goat Riders of the Apocalypse - Since Edmonds is the newest Cub, he shall be designated as a rookie for the duration of the '08 season (even if real rookies later join the squad). Consequently, he shall be forced to wear women's garments on all road trips, and he shall be taunted and bullied before every game. ...come to think of it, this is not unlike his normal routine.

Hire Jim Essian - Jim Hendry, you’ve done an awful lot of dumb things in your tenure as the Chicago Cubs’ general manager. You signed Neifi Perez a couple of times. You thought Shawn Estes belonged in a starting rotation. You traded Kyle Farnsworth right after a crap year instead of right after a good year. You ate that whole cheesecake that had been sitting out on the counter for a week, even though I told you that the top shouldn’t feel slimy. I’ve forgiven you for most of those things. But so help you God, if you sign Jim Edmonds, you are dead to me.

Random Tidbit from Tonight's Game

It was just a random May game vs. the Pirates, but none other than former Cardinal reliever/closer Mike Perez was in the house tonight. I heard him on the radio, and he still lives in St. Louis. Somebody find his address, so I can get him to sign my Mike Perez baseball card collection. I was pretty high on Perez back then, and thought for sure those cards would have made me a rich young man by now. This one (1993 Upper Deck) is easily my favorite. I know it's hard to see the ol' "holding my own card pose" but this is the best I could find. The photoshop back then was top notch.

(update): Listening to Perez at Shannon's after the game, evidently he works with MLB now. Doing even more digging for you, according to the Post-Dispatch, he was talking to Yadi about his little meltdown Monday night:

On Wednesday, baseball official Mike Perez, an assistant to Bob Watson, the leagues’ vice president for rules and on-field operations, met with Molina to, as Perez said, “get his side of the story.”

College Life, How I Miss Thee

Maybe it was fate that I caught a little bit of Van Wilder this past weekend. I've seen it a few times and actually thought it was a pretty decent movie. It's not up there with Animal House or Old School as far as college movies go, but probably in the second tier with the likes of PCU and Revenge of the Nerds (oh and Blue Chips...anyone?).

I'm pleased to say congrats to College Life for winning the first ever Super Xtreme Asskickin Monster Truck Firestorm Tournament of Death. It was a decisive winner (10 votes to 5) over BBQ, which was a worthy runner up.

If you're just joining us, we ran a tournament of 64 "things" and had our panel of experts pick which is better. We had a few guidelines on what was included (full bracket here):

*Leave any sex-related stuff out.

*Historical objects and figures will be thrown out too.

*Tangible items only (physical objects).

*Things like "the internet" or "jokes" are too generic and boring.


Well, maybe college life isn't technically tangible, but we felt it had to be included into anything called "Tournament of Death." College life also defeated the likes of Menthol Cigarettes, Home Run Derby, Beef Jerky, Nintendo, and Wiffleball - a mighty impressive lineup of challengers.

It seemed like just yesterday I was skipping class for some N64 Mario Cart, Mario Golf, or Bond. I tried using legitimate reasons like that during my freshman year; by the time I was a senior, grunts or random noises were a good enough excuse not to go (ex: meh, ughh, and bah).

I'd like to thank our voting committee for helping out, including celebrity voter Will Leitch of Deadspin for playing along in our fun and games.

There are already rumblings of other Bertflex-sponsored tournaments, so stay tuned for more. In the meantime, we'll have to schedule a College Life-themed party with the Bertflex staff singing a drunken version of "One Shining Moment."

If I'm Here, Who's Watching Our Libraries?

It's my dream scenario: having the undivided attention of four lovely young women, and what do I do? Talk to them about Yadier Molina. Well done HMW...well done. Click the link for this week's insideSTL column.

And because it never gets old: Carl Monday in action.


(Update 5/20: because of the insideSTL website switch, they messed up a couple parts of the article, including the author's name. I'm not sure if they'll fix it...oh well. As of now, that's the only old article they carried over, which is hopefully a tribute to my greatness)

Save Your Money, Kids: Coolio Edition

I was flipping through the ol' tv channels tonight and I caught a few minutes of Coolio on Chelsea Lately. I wasn't sure what he was promoting at first, seeing how they were talking about him wearing a hat to cover his receding hairline. But at the end, Coolio mentioned his big project going on right now.

New CD? No.

New movie? Nope.

New clothing line that only features Tyrone Wheatley jerseys? Gots to say the nay-no.

These were the obvious choices, so I'm sure your fourth guess would be 'internet cooking show.'

On mydamnchannel.com, Coolio has ten videos up (all a little over five minutes) showing you gangsterrs out there how to cook. I'm guessing that big comeback will take a little longer. Nothing says falling off more than a rapper who was awesome in 1996 + cooking show + catchphrase of "shakazulu."

Actually that's a recipe for greatness, forget what I said. Check out at least a minute or two of any of these videos. Entertaining stuff, like in video #1, Coolio says: Imma teach you how to make a salad that'll get them panties right off!

I've got the urge to hit up my kitchen and make some Coolio Salad and Soul Rolls. How many you want? 1, 2, 3, 4...

Sandlot Slam Pics Are Up

Check the photo gallery for 110 pictures of last Saturday's Sandlot Slam III, which was won by the MO-siders. Pic 77, is to the left. You'll notice me standing here...bat flip over there. Big Sandwich is still feeling the effects of giving up such a bomb.

Thanks to Katie for wasting her Saturday being our photographer. As a side note, SSIII was referenced in this week's insideSTL column. I'm really hurting for topics, I know; it'll get better next week...barely.


(Update 5/20: because of insideSTL's website switch, this article is no longer up. I'll repost the link if they fix it.)