The Game vs. The Game-uhhhh

One of our BertFlex colleagues, Hollywood, sent me an email about this interview from Rap Reviews' website. It was a one-on-one with The Game, west coast rapper and former member of (J-J-Juh) G-Unit.

I was wondering why Matt would send me an article from rapreviews.com; about halfway through I found out. To save you the pain and suffering that comes with reading any article about The Game, here is a little snippet of that interview:

Adam Bernard: I read something the other day that I'm not sure if I really believe. Is WWE superstar Triple H really suing you over your name?

Game: Yeah, Triple H is tryin to sue me for "The Game." I think that we should just take it to Pay Per View and have a wrestling match, man, so I can fuck him up because I'm not into that whole play wrestling thing. We can really take it to the streets, we can wrestle right in the middle of Compton. We can put up a makeshift ring made out of shoestrings and light posts. I'll get in there and body slam his ass all over the place for the name.

My first thought was about how much of an ass Triple H is. Besides sucking the life out of the WWF/WWE since around 2001, he feels that he is so important, no one else can use the phrase "The Game." At least without paying up. Obviously we have never heard of the phrase "The Game" before HHH began using the gimmick. Obviously.

Right around that time (2001), HHH began a string of world title reigns that disappointed many wrestling fans (like myself) and eventually made it okay to look for something else to do on Monday nights. This no doubt includes the old "Let's create a second championship belt and just give it to HHH" trick the WWE pulled in September of 2002.

Besides all the in-ring sucking HHH has done over the years, he's also married to Vince McMahon's daughter, Stephanie. That means, if he doesn't screw things up, he's set to inherit a jillion dollars when Vince clocks out. Okay, enough ranting for now, you get the point: HHH sucks.

Back to this lawsuit with The Game (rapper). Instead of using a lame, thugged out picture of The Game, here is a photo from his appearance on Change of Heart a few years ago.

If the quote above wasn't enough, The Game gives a little more insight on the world of wrestling. (Warning: he says wrestling is fake!):

AB: Were you ever a wrestling fan? Does this hurt you at all?

Game: I was a fan of Ultimate Warrior and Hulk Hogan, but these new wrestlers, the guy with the rappin thing with the spinnin belt and shit? I don't know about all these guys. There's too much fake shit. It was fake back in the day but at least they made it real. Hulk Hogan and Ultimate Warrior, Macho Man and all them motherfuckers, Sting and Lex Luger, Ric Flair, but these new motherfuckers, these Triple H's and these...I don't even know nobody else's name in the new shit.

Well stated. Hogan and Warrior and "them motherfuckers" made it real. Yeah.

But wait, there's more. He referenced wrassler/movie star guy who was in a movie John Cena in that little rant.

AB: So could you see yourself battling John Cena, the aforementioned wrestler who rhymes?

Game: I'd kick his ass.

AB: You know he's beefin with Kevin Federline on RAW.

Game: I might come on one day and just fuck him up for Kevin, like don't be fuckin with us man. Kevin Federline is good in the hood to me, man. I smoked with a blunt with him before. Good folks.

And thus concludes the worst moment in rapper interview history. Nicely done.

One thing this lawsuit does, it proves once again that wrestlers aren't nearly as important as they think they are. Another dispute is going on between former wrestler Diamond Dallas Page and Jay-Z (Hov!) over the use of the "diamond" hand symbol. About a year ago this lawsuit was announced, but I cannot find any updates on the situation. Here is a link to allhiphop.com about the suit, which is where I go for all my hip hop news. Using my extensive marketing/PR background, it is also possible that this was a publicity stunt because at the time DDP had a yoga book coming out; I'm not making that up.

And recently Jay-Z used the hand signal in his HP laptop commercial, so everything must be okay for now. As a side note, it is also used by Chiefs RB Larry Johnson, and two white guys at a bowling alley. Their faces have been covered up to protect them from possible lawsuits too. Especially the guy on the right--he likes to jack cars.

It's a Skanksgiving Miracle!

The best day on the calendar is always Thanksgiving Eve.

At least to slutty college girls.

Oh, and the Bertflex staff.

Last night was the first ever "Skanksgiving Celebration" experienced by Tony, Justin, Josh, and myself. I first heard the phrase from local sports radio/internet guy Tim McKernan. Skanksgiving derives from the skanky college girls who come back to St. Louis for Thanksgiving weekend and go out to bars and clubs on Thanksgiving Eve--and getting BOOZED UP! Luckily lots of unattractive guys are there to pick up these drunken females, have a night of fun, and never ever see them again.

Until the next Skanksgiving.

Our night started at the Pin-Up Bowl in the Loop. After looking real tough and cool, while bowling some solid low-100 games, we moved on to Skanksgiving Headquarters, downtown St. Louis.

Al Hrabosky's to be exact. The party was on!

Within seconds of entering the building, we saw Mayor McSkank grinding on some guy...40 feet from the dance floor. Needless to say it was an awesome night. Be sure to check the photo gallery. Seriously, do yourself a favor and check it out. Even I got down with some new friends on the dance floor. Oh we were some happenen' fellas! No one Everyone was envious of our dance moves, playerr.

It's hard to recap the specific details of this night, especially the part when Tony tried to jack Josh's car...so let's hear some quotes to sum up the night:

Josh: "Skanks make my dingy excited."

Tony: "If Ida known it was gonna be this kinda party, Ida stuck my dick in the mash potatoes."

Justin: "$13 for two shots of Jaeger and a beer? Goddamn you Al Hraboskyyy!"

Shaun: "Pretending to steal Josh's car in a shady neighborhood is exactly what we should be doing right now."

What ever happened to...

Don West (aka "The Baseball Card Guy"). Don West was great entertainment after a long night at the bars in college (and the hero of many a 10 year old). West sold baseball, football, and basketball cards on home shopping television networks throughout the late '90s and early 2000's. West paired with his partner Kenny, who never made an appearance on set, just on the phone. West seemed to be a lovechild of John Belushi and Chris Farley on a mix of Red Bull and cocaine. He would damn near have a heart attack after finding an Emmitt Smith refractor or Peyton Manning insert card. West coined such great screaming phrases as "GEM MINT TEN!!!" and "COME ON PEOPLE, BE SMART. BUY MORE THAN ONE!!!" When Donnie Ballgame came on at 3am and you were faded, the two best ideas were to buy two Billy "Fuck Face" Ripken Fleer '88 cards and go to Hardees.


You need a refresher on Don West?



Unfortunately, Don and Kenny got busted for a phony card ring (you can't make this stuff up) and Don is now the head announcer for TNA wrestling on Spike TV. Kenny has never been heard from again.

Who's Shitty

Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another installment of the "Who's Shitty" fantasy report, your premier source for fantasy baseball opinions. Tony Pellegrino, webmaster and fantasy expert will check the mailbag and answer all your fantasy questions. We have picked five more questions for November, so hopefully yours will get answered. If you're lucky, Tony might call your favorite fantasy player "Shitty," which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the bertflex glossary).

Keeping up with our pals at yahoo.com and now cbssportsline.com, here is a badass picture of Tony, working security at the rowdiest wedding reception ever last weekend.

With all the hot stove talk going on, let's see what Tony has to say...












1. (Thomas-Cincy/Big Head-Omaha) Do you like Wainwright as the closer or in the rotation next season, and what will the Cards shitty rotation look like for aught-seven?

Wainwright had better be in the rotation or someone's gonna die. For those who say "but he was a good closer, and we need one of those", we need a good starter more. Which would you rather have, 75 innings or 180 innings out of Wainwright? I want 180 innings but what do I know? That said, what I would like to see and what will happen are two different things. Since Cardinals management is stupid, Wainwright will be the closer and we'll need more starting pitching. Bold Prediction Time: The 2007 rotation will look like:

1. Chris Carpenter
2. Randy Wolf
3. Woody Williams
4. Anthony Reyes
5. Jason Johnson

2. (Marty-Springfield, MO) This offseason is killing me, only 13 weeks left. How do you like these babies for the free agent signings: "Going, Going, Gonzo!" "Clean Up Your Own Meche!" "I Am ADAM-ent, Kennedy Rules!" This stuff is gold, Tony...GOLD!

Hey Marty, Bob Carpenter is on the line. He said you need to go back to the minors and work on your snappy. I say NEVER WRITE ME AGAIN. I'm trying to decide who is more obnoxious, Sign Guy or Headline Guy. I've got my own bad headlines for you. Try "Welcome to St. Luis (Gonzalez)", "The Cards Would Gil For Some Pitching", "Cards Hit'em Right Adam." That's how you do it, rookie. (Insert sign guy head nod here.)

3. (Big Head-still in Omaha) Who's shitty enough to sign a non-'roided, non-corked, semi-retired, ex-Cub by the name of Sammy Sosa?

Here's another BOLD PREDICTION (TM): When Barry Bonds walks away from the Giants, they will at least bring Sosa into camp. I'm not saying he'll make the team, but he'd fit right in with their strategy of getting old washed up power hitters who use the juice. Give Sammy some HGH and he'll be ready to roll.

4. (Britney-West Hollywood, CA) Tony, you had A LOT of food during the month of October. After a few final signatures here and there, I'm looking to take a little time off and possilby stopping by your small, but dangerous town. Of all the places the bertflex team went last month, where do you recommend that I should stop by and take in a football game?

Hey Britney, 1999 called. They are interested in that sex tape you made. Too bad nobody else is. I don't know if you'll be able to slum it enough to fit in here in the STL but if you do, Wild Wings is my choice. There will be a full article coming out soon regarding all the stops on PlayoffPalooza2006 but I rank Wild Wings #1 and HotShots #2 (despite some TV shadiness).

5. (Shaun-THE Hazelwood West HS) Tony, give it to me straight. Give me some "Crazy Tony" predictions for the hot stove league. Will Miggy Tejada or Manny ever be traded? Who wins the Fonzie sweepstakes? Carlos Lee? Barry Z and Schmidt? What is going to be the worst free agent signing?

Alright Shaun, you wanted some BOLD PREDICTIONS (TM), here they are:

• Miguel Tejada traded to Seattle
• Alfonzo Soriano to the Dodgers
• Carlos Lee to Houston
• Barry Zito to Anaheim
• Jason Schmidt to the Evil Empire
• Daisuke Matsuzaka will be the worst free agent signing, for the money
• JD Boo to Texas
• Pat Burrell traded to Giants

If any of these BOLD PREDICTIONS don't hit, I'll give you double your money back.

If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to shaunfanclub@hotmail.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, since he finished second to last in two money leagues this year, so he's not an expert at all honestly.

Let's Class This Joint Up A Bit

It was just reported a little while ago that head coaches Mike Nolan (49ers) and Jack Del Rio (Jaguars) will finally be allowed to wear suits on the sideline this weekend.

From the AP: "Nolan is expected to debut his old-school outfit - consisting of a black suit, a white shirt and a red-and-gold-striped tie - at the 49ers' home game against the Seattle Seahawks on Sunday. Del Rio also will wear a suit-and-tie ensemble in Monday night's home game against the New York Giants."

This is awesome, and I'm glad the nazis of the National Football League were able to work something out with Reebok on this. God forbid that one person in the stadium dress up in non-Reebok clothing.

Oh but wait, here's the catch: "(Nolan and Del Rio) have the NFL's permission to wear dress suits designed by Reebok during two games this season."

There is no photo yet of what the suit looks like, but there's a billion percent chance that a Reebok logo will be present somewhere. And no word if Nolan and Del Rio have to wear some Iverson's on the sideline to make up for their attire.

I'm glad to see the suits make a comeback, even if it's only for a couple games. It was Mike Nolan who wanted to wear a suit last year in tribute to the late Hank Stram, but was denied because...uhh, I still haven't heard a good reason for that one.

The only downside to all this is the hit on coaches sideline apparel that Reebok is bound to take. I mean, who doesn't own some hobo gear or a few bowler shirts?

The Mirror

This edition of The Mirror is a nice throwback. Even though he is on the way out, former Missouri Senator Jim Talent makes his debut to Bertflex.




















Gold Digger hatin' Kanye West and Buckeye QB Troy Smith
















JoePa and Mr. Magoo
















The pride of Alton, Robert Wadlow and former Missouri Senator Jim Talent

Jesus with a Kung-Fu Grip

LOS ANGELES - A talking Jesus doll has been turned down by the Marine Reserves' Toys for Tots program.

A suburban Los Angeles company offered to donate 4,000 of the foot-tall dolls, which quote Bible verses, for distribution to needy children this holiday season. The battery-powered Jesus is one of several dolls manufactured by one2believe, a division of the Valencia-based Beverly Hills Teddy Bear Co., based on Biblical figures. But the charity balked because of the dolls' religious nature.

Toys are donated to kids based on financial need and "we don't know anything about their background, their religious affiliations," said Bill Grein, vice president of Marine Toys for Tots Foundation, in Quantico, Va. As a government entity, Marines "don't profess one religion over another," Grein said Tuesday. "We can't take a chance on sending a talking Jesus doll to a Jewish family or a Muslim family."

Michael La Roe, director of business development for both companies, said the charity's decision left him "surprised and disappointed." "The idea was for them to be three-dimensional teaching tools for kids," La Roe said. "I believe as a churchgoing person, anyone can benefit from hearing the words of the Bible."

According to the company's Web site, the button-activated, bearded Jesus, dressed in hand-sewn cloth outfits and sandals, recites Scripture such as "I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again" and "Love your neighbor as yourself." It has a $20 retail value.

Grein also questioned whether children would welcome a gift designed for religious instruction. "Kids want a gift for the holiday season that is fun," he said.

So How'd It Go?

Some of you might be wondering how the party went Saturday. This would probably include Josh, who was there (see left), but probably doesn't remember much. His dancing exhibition was classic, and something you can see here. Thanks to Big Sandwich for taking the pictures.

As you can see, there was a lot of bad dancing, and even more guitar-face!

It was a very fun night put on by Thomas and Beth, and the Richards and Rohour family.

If you're wondering about the drinking contest, Josh lost track somewhere around llll llll llll llll llll ll...

"We Shocked the World...We're Sorry."

Breaking News from Last Week that we/I (as the resident North-Midwesterner) somehow missed from the Onion... thanks Amy!

Cardinals Apologize For Winning World Series
November 2, 2006

ST. LOUIS—Calling Friday night's victory on baseball's grandest stage "a terrible mistake," members of the St. Louis Cardinals issued a formal apology for making the playoffs, winning the World Series, and depriving baseball fans everywhere of a season featuring the kind of heartwarming, storybook ending to which they have grown accustomed in recent years.

"I'm still struggling to understand how this could have happened," said a sober Tony La Russa during a press conference following Game 5. "It seemed all but certain coming into this series that we were going to be a part of something truly special, that we would easily put the finishing touches on a magical season that inspired millions of fans around the country, but instead we somehow ended up winning."

"It's disappointing, to say the least," La Russa added. "We were rooting for the Detroit Tigers just like everyone else."

According to Cardinals players, they "tried absolutely everything" in their pursuit to earn the Tigers their first world championship since 1984, including eliminating the far more dangerous New York Mets in the NLCS, entering the series completely unrested after a grueling seven-game series, starting a rookie pitcher with five career wins in Game 1 in Detroit, and postponing Game 4 due to rain in the hopes that an off day would swing the momentum back in the Tigers' favor.

"I don't know what we could've done differently," second-baseman Ronnie Belliard said. "We gave the Tigers every opportunity to win ballgames, but when their pitchers keep making errors on simple ground balls, what are we supposed to do, pretend we forgot the rules and start running to third base?"

Desperate for a Tigers win in Game 2, the Cardinals chose to overlook the fact that starter Kenny Rogers was pitching with the aid of a foreign substance on his left hand.
"Of course we all knew it was pine tar, but it seemed like they were finally finding their rhythm… We certainly didn't want to shake their confidence, so we decided to just let it go," La Russa said. "Frankly, if the umpires didn't bring it up, we probably would've let him pitch with it the whole game."

After the final out of the World Series was recorded, the stunned Cardinals retreated to their dugout and watched with disappointed, glazed-over expressions as the Detroit Tigers—the feel-good team of the season whom everyone expected to win it all—packed up their equipment in the dugout across the diamond.

According to Albert Pujols, some teammates took the World Series victory harder than others.
"For a lot of young guys like [Anthony] Reyes and [Yadier] Molina, this was their first chance to see an exciting, inspirational, and truly deserving team win a championship," Pujols said. "Even though the outcome of this series has definitely left a bad taste in my mouth, I can handle it, because I was there in 2004 when we were able to see Red Sox beat us in the World Series. Man, what an incredible feeling that was… Just watching those guys celebrate, I really felt like I was seeing history unfold before my eyes. It was definitely my greatest baseball moment."
"I hope we have the chance to see something like that again next year," Pujols added.

Reporters and sportswriters around the nation were critical of many of La Russa's successful managerial decisions, second-guessing such effective moves as leaving staff ace Chris Carpenter in for more than five innings in Game 3, and failing to bench third-baseman Scott Rolen, who batted a team-high .421 in the series. La Russa, however, said that things would be different next year.

"I think I speak for my players, the front office, the coaching staff, and every fan in St. Louis when I say that all season long, we had just one goal: bringing a championship to the great city of Detroit," La Russa said. "And even though we failed this time around, we will be committed to achieving similar goals next season."

In the somber clubhouse following the victory, Cardinals centerfielder Jim Edmonds admitted that "the wrong team won," but said that the outcome of the 2006 World Series is "just something we're unfortunately going to have to live with."

"Nobody thought we could do this, nobody thought we could stop this powerhouse team that beat the odds to go from worst to first and rolled through the playoffs looking like they were invincible," Edmonds said. "And we thought we had taken every possible step to prove them right."

"We shocked the world," Edmonds added. "We're sorry."

Beth and Thomas' Wedding Predictions

As most of the Bertflex crew knows, Big Sandwich's sister is having her big day this Saturday. Besides the honor of hanging out with some of this websites' finest gentlemen, she is also getting married! Her soon-to-be husband happens to be a friend of the site, Thomas Richards. Most fantasy sports experts have a hard time convincing someone of the female gender to marry him, but somehow Thomas did it. One would hope that he writes a book someday explaining his secrets.

Here's an early congrats to the couple and we'll see you in a few days.

Now on to the stuff that we are all horrible at: predictions. I know the Cardinal prediction thread during the playoffs pretty much tanked, but I have confidence this one will be more successful. Feel free to leave your wedding predictions in the comments section. Maybe you have an inkling that a lot of Top Gun high five/low fives will be delivered? Maybe you think Big Sandwich will be so destroyed that he'll have to be taken home from the reception on Monday. Or, going out on a limb, maybe you think Ben will do something stupid and awesome at the same time? I'll get the ball rolling with the first comment. Also be sure to harass the guy in the photo below to wear the white suit. It needs to be there.




See my hand? It is saying "this guy...this is the guy right here."

One Year Anniversary Party

Alright y'all, the time has come to celebrate the first birthday of BertFlex.com. Friday night, November 10th the Bert Flex crew will be taking to the streets to commemorate our first year of being idiots on the internets. And since one year for a blog is like 21 in "internet years," we decided that Josh has to drink like it's his 21st birthday, since websites can't drink. If you will be in the STL friday night and are down for some party, put a comment on here and we'll do it up. Plans will follow in the comments once we figure out who's coming and what we're doing.

Target.com Item of the Week

While looking through the weekly Target ad for the new PS2 and DVD releases, I came across this item in the bottom corner of one of the pages:

Ben Wallace Inflatable Defender

Oh what a great day in bertflex-land. This may be the target.com item of the millennium before it's all said and done. We can finally play basketball with a plastic, blow-up version of Big Ben Wallace! The price tag is a hefty $49.99, but think of all the fun you will have with this in your driveway.

Not sold yet? Here is the official description from target.com:

Fear the Fro! (*side note: YES!) If you play hoops, or just watch them, you know the Fro—Ben Wallace, 3-time NBA Defensive Player of the Year, NBA All-Star, and member of the NBA championship team in 2004. Designed for indoor or outdoor use, this life-size (84" tall!) Ben Wallace inflatable can help you pump up your basketball skills practicing jump shots over him, dribbling around him, rebounding and shooting near him, and more. Made of thick PVC material, the inflatable has 2 handles for easy movement and comes with a repair kit. For ages 6–14 yrs. maximum weight limit of 200 lbs. Assembly required (tools not included).

There you have it. This is officially the best gift ever. Be sure to buy a bunch of these for all your friends at Christmas, including myself. Taking it a step further, I'm considering buying one for Beth and Thomas' wedding this Saturday. Cookware and bed sheets are lame gifts, Ben Wallace is the way to go!

If this couldn't get any better, there is a second photo of the Ben Wallace Inflatable Defender "in action" on target.com. It features the real Ben Wallace going up against the plastic one! I know he's not known for his offensive abilities, but look at the confusion on the real Ben's face. He seriously has no clue what to do without Chauncey Billups around. Poor guy, you'd think he'd dribble around himself or something.

I think it's only a matter of time before video of suburban white guys posterizing Big Ben pop up on youtube. I cannot make any promises that it won't be us.

The Corn Commies

Today was my second game attended at Memorial Stadium in Lincoln. I got to see my beloved Missouri Tigers against my mortal enemy, the Nebraska Cornhuskers. As much as I hate Kansas (which I got to see in my first game at Memorial Stadium), since I now live in Nebraska, and hear about Nebraska football 365 days a year, I hate the Huskers thismuchmore.

This game brought out all the stars from Nebraska, including my tailgating friend former MTV VJ Bryan McFaden (who was shithoused by 8:45 in the am) and Nebraska's favorite son, Larry the Cable Guy.

I sat in my Chase Daniel jersey, hoping that I would be "That Guy". "That Guy" is better known as the person that will show up wearing a Sammy Sosa jersey and sit in the bleachers at Busch (during a game against the Dodgers) and bitch about Anheuser Busch and promote Old Style instead. Yeah, a total dick. Instead, I got called an asshole and got ridiculed by everyone in attendance, which I expected with the ass whipping we ended up taking. Instead of a 14 point loss, it felt more like a mid-90's 42-10 beatdown. But the worst part of the entire day? I received my three tickets for the Big XII Title Game in KC after the game. DAMMIT! But I did take some sweet pictures from the game, including a Hall of Fame worthy Gross Jersey. Enjoy!

Larry the Cable Guy gettin' something done

Is that a roll of dollar bills in your pocket or are you happy to see me?

Mr. Heisman, Eric Crouch. Gross.

No, This Isn't The Mirror

This is just a friendly note saying that there are pictures from the Cardinals World Series Championship parade in the photo gallery. Here is an example of one of the pictures:











And as another friendly reminder, be sure to get your season tickets for the 2007 WNBA season. They are on sale now for all your favorite teams. The season starts next summer, which is right around the corner!

Once again, no--this is not The Mirror. Big Head is in charge of that. Why would you think this was the mirror?? What gave you any idea that the two pictures above even remotely looked alike? I don't get it.

(ps. be sure to check out So Taguchi slapping my hand--wooo!)

The Mirror

Welcome back to The Mirror. I feel like Fox this week with the return of all of the shows. Here we go...



















Saints Reggie Bush and WVU running back Steve Slaton














Falcons' Mike Vick (Ron Mexico) and Cards MVP Fernando Rodney







Tracey Morgan and Lakers center Andrew Bynum
















Edna Krabappel and Suzy Kolber

Now What Do We Talk About?

I am already going through some baseball withdrawal and the season ended less than a week ago. Luckily this year ended on a much happier note than the past 24, but I always hate to see the guys pack their bags and go home for the winter. Of course, the natural way to fill this void is football, which already began 8 weeks ago. If you don't like football, you could always spend time with your family, but let's be honest--football is the way to go. No matter how entertaining your family may be, no one compares to Sean Salisbury.

I have really missed Sean over the past month or so. I completely lost track of him during the baseball playoffs. So much coverage of the Yankees NOT playing, really distracted me from his insightful analysis and calm, soft-spoken opinions.

Even with the Cardinals winning those 11 games in the post-season, the best part was going out virtually every night of the playoffs and watching the game from one of the local establishments. This might not have been a "cost effective" way of watching baseball in October, but still a lot of fun.

Here is the list of places that the St. Louis contributors (aka fat bastards) of bertflex.com hit while the playoffs were on:

Busch Stadium
Jack In The Box
Buffalo Wild Wings
Red Lobster
Hooters
Pujols 5
Brewskeez
Krieger's
Ameristar
Maryland Yards
Papa John's
White Castle (for both NLCS and WS victory parties)

You might be asking: Wow, why put your heart through all that pain and suffering? My best answer to that, is that it's all for the good of the team. And that's not really a good answer. Oh, and my heart will be fine (see below). As for the pain and suffering, my stomach went through happiness and good times, so they cancel out, right?

Just to be on the safe side, I decided to listen to the advice of Tim McCarver for once. I went to the WebMD website. Now I know specifically--IN DETAIL--of where my heart is. It is inside my chest! Holy crap! Thanks Tim McCarver, I'm all cured!

Now let's watch some football, I'm bringing over the bacon cake.