Bo Jackson and Reggie Jackson Would Approve

If anyone ever tells me that they are hardcore, I will only show them a picture of this guy. That's right, your eyes do not decieve you. He busted out the Tecmo Bowl AND RBI Baseball logo tats. I feel like I should write more about this, but I have to go vomit now.

Great Eight

Welcome to a new feature on Bertflex.com--the Great Eight. I have scanned the newspaper, radio, television, and the internets for the most talked about eight stories in the news this week.

Links to these headlines are not provided, and good luck finding them.

But trust me, these will be the most talked about things when you hit the bars this weekend. Peace!

World

-Even the Miss Universe Pageant Cannot Interrupt Plans For Car Bomb in Baghdad.

-Addition By Subtraction? Bush Contemplating Buying Out Alabama's Contract at the End of the Season; 49 States "Probable."

Local

-Harold Reynolds Fired by bertflex.com for Sexual Harassment

-Amish to St. Louisans: "You Pussies."

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Entertainment

-People Magazine Reports Lance Bass is Gay and the Sun is Hot in same Article.

-Rapper Gnarlie Hough not Generating Successful Record Sales like Gnarles Barkley.

Sports

-Todd Zeile Feels He Will Be Traded By the July 31st Deadline, Even Though He Does Not Play Anymore.

-Chad Johnson Guarantees 2 TD's vs. the Practice Squad this Sunday; Says Something About A Clown Car Will Be Involved.

What ever happened to...

Brock Olivo? Olivo was the Mizzou running back in the mid-90's when Mizzou was TERRIBLE, except for his senior year. Olivo appeared in one bowl, the '98 Holiday Bowl. It was Larry Smith's only bowl appearance with Mizzou, and it also happened to be the year that Scott Frost's kicked pass to Matt Davidson saved the Huskers in Columbia.

Olivo is an interesting individual, basically because he was a white running back. He was very slow, and had to split time with Devin West. Olivo had his number retired in 2003 by the school. Larry Smith had actually promised Olivo that he would get his number retired after the '97 season. This from a school so desperate to their first retired number since Kellen Winslow in 1978. Too bad Smith got 86'd in 2000 in favor of Toledo coach Gary Pinkel, so Olivo almost didn't get to have his number retired. Olivo never gained 1,000 yards in a season, but yet is the school's career rushing leader with 3,026 yards.

So, what ever happened Brock Olivo? After four seasons in the NFL with the Detroit Lions, Olivo quit the NFL in favor of...an Italian Club team. Not futbol, but a football team. Yes, Olivo played for the Ostia Marines. Barely any money, and actually played guitar in a Tom Petty cover band. You can't make this stuff up. Olivo quit football after a season in Italy and now paints fences in Italy, presumably with his hot wife.

Who wants to be gross.......again!

The big sandwich receives a monthly online newsletter from St. Louis' "other beer maker" Schlafly, mostly because I want to know what seasonal beers they have on tap and to see if there are any cool boozing events. I feel it is my duty to inform those not in-the-loop about Bertflex's next official outting. August 4th and 5th the Schlafly Tap Room is hosting Schlaffenfest! I know it's going to be damn hot, but this is well worth the trip! Those in attendence will be treated to: a hoosier fashion show (stay with me here) , an insult/kissing booth hosted by the Arch Rival Rollergirls, German-style food and beer, an air guitar contest, and the coup de grace ...... a gooey butter cake eating contest! See you there.





"Hello, I am gooey butter cake, a.k.a GBC, a.k.a the inevitable downfall of all man"






Lets take a quick look at Bertflex's St. Louis Staff and see how they stack up against the GBC.






Jah Slowness- a.k.a Maltliquorman- "wmmf, I , cmmmn haff fhhhhg rofffff...GULP...... AAAAAAAHHHH MORE FOOOOOOD!"






Shaun- a.k.a hazelwood's most wanted- "Slow and steady is the key. With 3 helpings of GBC a day, my mother has conditioned me all my life for this very moment. I cannot fail."







T.P.- a.k.a Sir- "Can we put the GBC in-between two Krispy Kreme donuts? GBC is overrated, I had him on my fantasy team last year and he was HOR-I-BUL!"





Justin- a.k.a big sandwich- "With all the beer I'm going to be taking down, somebody make sure I don't end up near the Roller Girls kissing booth!"

Best Baseball Card Ever

I wish to submit this card as the greatest baseball card photo ever. This is Todd Jones' rookie card with the Astros. The trifecta of shirt, chains and mustache make this card nearly unbeatable. I want to see anyone find a better card than this. For the record, Todd Jones is a closer for the best team in baseball, wrote for the website sportingnews.com, and has this as his rookie card. I've talked a lot of shit on you in the past but Todd Jones, you win at life.

I also want to congratulate the boys at ThePhatPhree.com for putting together the "Is This Guy Still Playing?" Team, a topic that we always seem to talk about but are always to lazy to actually create. They've managed to pair everyone in the article with some nasty baseball card from the 80's or 90's. They seem like people we would like to go out drinking with.

Now you know the answer to "Who has the best baseball card ever?" and the answer is "Todd Jones, and he had a mustache."

Who's Shitty

Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another installment of the Who's Shitty fantasy report, everyone's favorite place to go for fantasy baseball analysis. Tony Pellegrino, webmaster and fantasy expert will check the mailbag and answer five fantasy questions every week, so hopefully yours will get answered. If you're lucky, Tony might call your favorite fantasy player shitty, which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the bertflex glossary).

This week's badass picture features Tony along with our fine feathered friend, Bird Flex.

No real explanation of this photo is necessary, but I will say this: The Captain Was Here!













1. (Walter J.-8th street, St. Louis) What are your predictions for the trading deadline? Who will make the biggest fantasy impact if/when they are traded?

Walt, I think that the only big name to be moved will be Soriano and if the White Sox get him as is rumored, it's all over. Soriano's numbers should stay about the same, steals may go up but the power may be offset by the league change. There is no pitching available and very little hitting. The problem is that both Western Divisions are god-awful terrible and even though all of these teams should be sellers, they all have a shot to make the playoffs. This deadline will be very much like last year's deadline where no trades of any significance were made. Sorry Walt, this Cardinal team is what it is, and unless you feel like sending Reyes, Wainwright, Duncan, Rodriguez, Colby Rasmus, Stu Pomeranz, Rick Ankiel, Chad Hutchinson, John Gall, Floyd Irons, Charlie Spoonhour and Tony Twist to the Marlins for Dontrelle, the cavalry ain't a-comin'.

2. (Big Head-Omaha) I swear I saw a picture of Bud Smith on a Missing Persons sign. What happened to him?

I hate to break this one to you, but Bud Smith was never that good. Yes he threw a no-hitter but one game does not make you a good pitcher. He was a product of the Cardinals Hype Machine that ended up with us getting way more value out of him than he was worth (for more information on the Cardinals Hype Machine, see: Adam Kennedy, Pablo Ozuna, Cliff Politte, Jose Jimenez, T.J. Mathews, Braden Looper (aw, crap), and Coco Crisp (aw, crap again))

The last record I can find of him is with Rochester of the International League (MIN AAA) in 2005. He was hurt every year since 2002 and doesn't seem to be in the league this year. His career minor league numbers are 31-12, 2.83 but only started a total of 16 games after the trade. I have no evidence of this, but i think he's selling insurance in Oklahoma now. Farewell Bud, we hardly knew ye.

3. (Joel-IL side) TP, Mark Prior is coming back...again! What can I expect out of him the rest of the year?

Until Mark Prior starts pitching like Mark Prior, I don't want to hear about Mark Prior. You can have the good Mark Prior or you can have the bad Mark Prior. When you get the good Mark Prior, then that's pretty good but when you have the bad Mark Prior, well then that's pretty bad. The hurt Mark Prior is like the Brett Farve of injuries, 'cause even when you think it's over and there's no way he could have another injury, it's like *BOOM* there's another injury. Maybe they should take Mark Prior down to Ace Hardware and see if they can't fix him up. Mark Prior is the most consistant injured person I know (besides Kerry Wood), but that's just Mark Prior being Mark Prior. And that's what that's all about.

4. (T. Hicks-Birmingham, AL) I get what I wannnt! I want what I neeeed! Tony what are the "Possibilities" that bertflex.com signs me to do some commercials? Keep up the good work.


You might have changed your name, but you can't fool me Pedro Gomez. Get off my TV. First you were stalking Barry Bonds on ESPN and giving the world 24/7 updates that he just took a dookie and a three paragraph disertation on the smell since you were in the bathroom stall with him. Then once they figured out that no one cared about Bonds anymore, they tried to get you to follow Roger Clemens around every day to document his 50-game-steroid-suspension "retirement" but you had to refuse the assignment because Clemens doesn't like Mexicans. So you then changed your name to try and convince Clemens you're not Mexican but luckily for him, I brought your cunning plan to his attention and you were rebuffed again! So then Ford hired your new persona to do truck ads on the "Millionaire" set, which also offends me because it's an insult to Notre Dame Football for you to have anything to do with anything Regis Philbin ever had anything to do with. It is my mission to make sure you never work again. Ask Big Boy Restuarants how it feels when you mess with me.

5. (Compulsive Gambler-Hazelwood, MO) Tony, while glancing at the ads in the back part of the Riverfront Times this week, I noticed that there's a new video coming out titled "Briana Loves Rocco." I won't discuss the genre this video falls under, because I'm sure no one who reads this site is into naked women. I will say this though: now we know what Mr. Baldelli was up to the past two years. My question is related to sports and porn--I am in a porn pool with some of the finest porn experts in our great country. Sort of like a Death Pool, except this is a lot more fun. Fred from Dirt Cheap is the 12 time defending champ and I'm looking to take his coveted crown away. Give me some ladies from the sports world who you think will be diving chest-first into some form of porn soon (Playboy, sex tape, etc.), who I can pick up on the waiver wire.

I'm no porn expert, but with the way Anna Kournikova's career is slipping (she's now playing World Team Tennis events) but she's got to be your leader in the clubhouse for this one. I can see Jenny Finch doing a Playboy spread once her softball career is over, maybe before if USA Softball can convince her it would improve attendance. Natalie Gulbis (LPGA if you haven't heard) could be a good sleeper once she learns that she's more valuable on video than on the links. There's not alot to go on for this type of career change so you might be better off pursuing other options.

If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to shaunfanclub@hotmail.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years, so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.

Frank Caliendo is Funnah

Even a power outage couldn't stop bertflex.com's Tony and Shaun from seeing a hilarious show on Friday night. Luckily, the Funny Bone had power (and more importantly--air conditioning) and the 7:30 performance of comedian Frank Caliendo went on without delay.

We start out with Rahn Ramey as the opening act. He was only on for a few minutes. I think I've heard most of his act before, even though the last time I was at the Funny Bone was about two years ago.

Then comes Frank Caliendo, the pride of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. He starts out with some normal jokes, no impressions yet. All of a sudden he is doing Madden and Bush and it was a riot. Tony pointed out after the show that we had heard a lot of his material before by listening to him on the radio within the past couple days. I punched Tony on the spot for ruining the moment, and had to carry him home.

Listening to Frank do his Madden impersonation and talking about Brett Favre is awesome. He dropped the line "watermelon is the Brett Favre of produce." You just had to be there.

He also did Jim Rome, which is my personal favorite. I know he's got a lot more mainstream ones like Madden, Dubya, Clinton, Jeff Goldblum, Robin Williams, Pacino and DeNiro, etc, but Jim Rome is the best. And he even acknowledged that "only about 50 people in the room get what I'm doing right now...but they all think this is incredible."

After the show we waited for the crowd to die down a little bit and stood in line to buy his cd's and a dvd. If you ever want to hear Frank's material, call me or Tony because we've got all of it. He was nice enough to sign all the cd's and pose for a picture with me. It is possibly the worst picture of all time, but we actually posed in this manner. For the record, I am not 12 feet tall.

Jersey Handbook

People, we have a major problem on our hands. I don't claim to be a fashion guru, but inlight of a breakout of Gary Bennett jerseys, along with several bad jerseys that I have personally seen, it's about time to setdown some ground rules. These rules are to be heeded at all times. If not, we may have to call Jack Bauer to save humanity, again.

A). Throwback Jerseys
I blame this whole "throwback" faze on Mitchell & Ness, the maker of these fine jerseys. Sure, they were cool back in aught-four, but they really fazed out after about a year. It was cool to find a Tony Gwynn dookie-brown Padres jersey with a priest on it. But when you were able to make your own personalized throwback, we gotta throw down. Iwasthisclose to being semi-guilty of this when I wanted a Vince Coleman jersey. I figured that I'd pick up a baby-blue 80's Cards jersey emblazoned the the firecracker himself. One problem...Coleman never played for the Cards during the baby-blue days! Coleman came up and stayed in '85, and the nasties were gone in '83. I avoided catastrophe.

B). Retired Players
There has to be a rule that you must wait x amount of years before putting on a retired player's jersey again. I do own a McGwire jersey, and it has sat in the closet for some time. I do not plan on wearing it again until/if it is cool again. You will know. I am proposing that the time that the jersey must sit in the closet must be at least 12 years from the time of retirement, but when you get it out, it must still be in pristine condition. We still see Whore-ass Grant, Magic, Larry, and Bettis Rams jerseys still floating around. Go down to Dooley Drive and see how many Jordan 23 jerseys you see, and tell me if any of them are in good shape. Yep, that's what you look like in a faded jersey of a retired player; like a crackbaby.

C). Shitty Players
We are all owners of shitty jerseys. Since I am a Chicago Bears fan, you can see that I own several a shitty jersey. You must hold on to these. It was your fault that you bought it, and now you are due all the scorn that you will receive. That's what we get for trying to be the first one on our block to get an Eddie Kennison jersey. You do not have to wear them, but it always seems like you are. Your "friends" always remember what jerseys you own, and they have a right to talk shit on you, your team, or that player since you bought it. Sorry, rules are rules.

D). Personalized Jerseys
Worst idea ever. If you are the asshole in front of me with a "69", "420", or "00" jersey on, I hate you. There is never a need for a personalized jersey, unless it's of your favorite player, which in turn, if they don't make his jersey there is a reason; he's shitty (not a Pellegrino curse). Putting your name on a jersey doesn't make you part of the team. You may personalize your jersey for one need; a hot rookie coming up with so much promise it's a can't miss. But if you did happen to get, say a Rick Ankiel jersey whenever he came up, get ready for all the scorn you can handle (see letter C).

Another part in the personalized category is naming your jersey. DO NOT PUT LETTERING ON YOUR JERSEY. If it doesn't come with a name on the back, there's a reason why...they don't belong there. I saw a Yankees 13 jersey with a nameplate on the back. Last time I checked, the Yanks have never put names on their jerseys. Doesn't make it look authentic, but makes you look like an authentic ass. To go along with this point, if you happen to own a personalized jersey of yourself, you are an ass, but it had better have your last name on it, and that's it. No first name, no first initial, no Jack Youngblood spelled out on two panels. There are very few people that are known by first names only; Tiger, Cher, Pele, and Ichiro. Not you. Put the jersey down, and nobody gets hurt. One more thing under personalized jerseys; any jersey that has the year on it, avoid like the plague. I am talking mostly NFL expansion team stuff. Jerseys that have the year the franchise will begin playing. I haven't seen a player wear an Houston Texans 02 jersey. These are also seen at the NFL draft.

E). Traded/Cut/Changed Number Jerseys
You cannot wear a team jersey of a player that was traded/cut/changed numbers for that team. I had better not see any TO Eagles jerseys floating around this year. You buy jerseys based on two things; either you like the player or the team. If that player was worth it to buy his jersey and something happens, you must buy another jersey. As for the team aspect, my Bears jerseys proof of this. No Rashaan Salaam, pick up Curtis (P)Enis. No Enis, go with McNown. No McNown, well you get the point. The one plus is that I couldn't even find my Cade McNown jersey! This vicious cycle may continue for a long, long, long time.

F). College Jerseys
This is the main problem. A pro player may stay with his team for a long time without a number change, so your jersey stays current. A college player's jersey is good for maybe one season. I just received my Chase Daniel Mizzou jersey. He is the Mizzou player that Eastbay has decided to pimp this year, he is only a sophomore, and he is the best QB this team has now, so there is a good chance that I will get this jersey for more than one year. Obviously with college jerseys, they do not come with names. YOU MAY NOT PERSONALIZE THESE. It will look like your mom made it for you. They come without names, leave them without names. Period. Or we may have another Wojo siting at Bonnaroo next year. For the love of God, please don't.

Getting back to the main problem. In a college town, local townies believe that these jerseys stay current forever. Unfortunately for them, they don't. People in Nebraska are buying 30 jerseys, which was Ahman Green's old number. I'm guessing they are buying it for Ahman Green, and not Tierre Brown. In Madison, I've seen people walking around in Ron Dayne jerseys. I'm sure in Texas, there will be idiots in Vince Young jerseys for years. The rule on college jerseys is the same as retired players, but even longer. See, there is a stigma that goes with college jerseys. Other players have to wear that same number year after year, so there is a good chance that a player will suck, so you don't want to be caught wearing a jersey of that player.

I hope I've helped you clean out your closet, or for some, put jerseys back in the closet. We are all offenders of jersey policy, and the policy is up for amendment. Plus, most rules go out the window if you happen to pick up a sweet jersey at a Goodwill or garage sale. Hello Sid Fernandez!

Tom-a-Hawk Chump!

As I am waiting for the Cards score to come up on Baseball Tonight, I notice that the new Busch was getting destroyed by Mama Nature. The tarp flew into the stands (which makes the Florida Marlins' groundcrew look like Martha Stewart) and the plexiglass from the pressbox fell into the crowd and back into the pressbox. If I could only hear a drunken Mike Shannon during a rain delay when the plexiglass falls on him ("Holy Shit John, there are shards of some sort of clear, sharp substance that fell in my ice cold Budweiser. Hehehe").

If you think about the past ten years, most of the strange games that the Cards have played have been against the Braves. If you remember, the horrible Felix Jose led Cards were in Hotlanta in '93 when Fulton County Stadium damn near burnt to the ground during batting practice. The game was delayed for a couple hours, and all Channel 11 showed was the burnt out box. I remember this as being one of the Crime Dog's first games for the Braves and he crushed a ball that went upperdeck in the old park. Tom Emanski called right after the game and signed Fred up for a lifetime contract complete with baby blue hats and wristbands.

I believe it was '92 this time at Busch, where after about a three hour rain delay and the Braves up by 9 or 10 in the 7th, I watched Juan Berenguer (my RBI Baseball nemisis) trot his fat ass out past the leftfield foul line and promptly trip over the pitchers mound. For a minute, I ponder if Berenguer had gone out and partied with Pedro Guerrero the night before who had a sugar bugar staking claim to his mustache (this is the mind of a 10 year old). This must have been the sign that Joe Torre needed because the Cards promptly scored seven runs in 2/3 of an inning and come back to win with a game winning hit by Todd Zeile off Mark Wohlers.







"Joe Rogan, Let me tell you something you might not know...I smoke rocks"



And in the 2000 playoffs, we see our top prospect self destruct. In the past eight seasons or so, the Cardinals had the absolute worst farm system since Branch Rickey created the damn thing. Our top prospects coming up were Manny Aybar, Eli Marrero, Jose Jiminez, and a young man from Florida named Rick Ankiel. Ankiel, who had pretty good regular season, decided to give up on life during the first game of the playoffs. It was controversial to start slick Rick since Darryl Kile had won 20 games that season, but LaRussa went with Ankiel. He promptly walked the first four batters and decided to aim for the backstop for the rest of his pitching career. Hello Quad Cities!

You really can't blame the last ten years on the Braves. Ever since Donovan Osbourne laid a turd in Game 7 of the '96 NLCS, the Cardinals have owned the Braves in big games. About the only thing that hasn't happened in a Cards/Braves game: a sumo match between Bobby Cox and Whitey Herzog.

Frank Caliendo Is In Town

This is just a quick note to say that a favorite of the bertflex staff, Frank Caliendo, is in town for a few shows on Friday night. And this time, in Chad Johnson style, I guarantee that I will be there.

Frank has been very elusive for a couple years now. Besides the fact that he played way over at the Fairview Heights Funny Bone, we've all had random stuff come up and just missed his shows here in '04 and '05.

But this time is different. We will be there to see him. If you read this, you need to come too!

Here's a Madden clip, courtesy of our friends at YouTube:

MySpace Race #2

This week's MySpace Race takes us into the world of fast food icons. I have been known to consume a fast food burger here and there, and would even go as far as saying that I'm an expert on the food industry as a whole. Two of my favorite fast food "restaurants" happen to have prominent pages on MySpace: Jack in the Box and Burger King.

A couple weeks ago I tested the dedication that both restaurants have to one of their loyal customers. I will say that I am definitely partial to Jack in the Box, as I go there quite often. So my hopes were high that Jack wouldn't let me down.

A little background on both sites: Jack in the Box has over 125,000 friends, so it is pretty obvoious that I'm not the only one who loves Jumbo Jacks and two tacos (among tons of other great menu items). Burger King counters with nearly 77,000 friends. Still pretty good, but he's no Jack.

Oh wait, speaking of Jack...the Burger King page lets you download 2 episodes of one of bertflex.com's favorite shows: 24. You can download Season 1, episode 1 or Season 5, episode 1 for free. Pretty cool feature from The King.

Both sites have fun pictures of Jack and The King, with the best one being Jack playing a little game of poker seen here.

Onto the race. After submitting friend requests for these fast food foes, I waited anxiosly to see who would jump at the possibility of calling me their "friend."

A few hours went by and I checked to see if I had any new friends. I'm not even sure why I was worried about a slow response from the Jack in the Box crew. They justified my loyalty to them by being quick on the draw, beating Burger King by about a day.

You can view this week's winner Jack Box here.

Tune in next time for another exciting MySpace Race!

*update to last week's race: I am still not Anthony Reyes' friend, as it is still pending.


If you would like to submit your MySpace Race please send an email (including the results) to me. I'd rather let you do all the work, but if necessary, I'll do it for you.

80's Cartoons!

There's always been rumors that He-Man was gay. After you watch this, it's obviously not true, and in fact, I want to party with him.

Who's Shitty

Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another installment of the Who's Shitty fantasy report, America's favorite place to go for fantasy baseball opinions. Tony Pellegrino, webmaster and fantasy expert will check the mailbag and answer five fantasy questions every week, so hopefully yours will get answered. If you're lucky, Tony might call your favorite fantasy player Shitty, which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the bertflex glossary).


Copying our friends at Yahoo!, here is another badass picture of Tony Pellegrino...

Just another badass picture of me? This time, I'm getting ready to hit a mammoth home run off Josh--when I hit the top of the lightpole. Too bad I missed that one or it would have really gone a long way, like to Memphis. Poor Josh. Sometimes I feel bad for him that he'll never get to experience that kind of greatness. He came out of the game soon after, claiming that he pulled a muscle but I think we all know that he actually got whiplash from all the home runs he gave up. For those who don't know, that's not just some chump standing at home plate. That is the most prolific home run hitter in sandlot history. Pay your respects!

1. (Anthony R.-St. Louis/sometimes Memphis) Tony, I believe that I am probably the best pitcher the Cardinals have on the team this year. I know that I get shelled here and there after a long night out at Hrabosky's. What do you see in the future for me? If you give me a good review, I'll put you in my Top 8 on MySpace.

Listen up kid, until you have a Cy Young award and win 20 games (in a season, not a career), you need to back the eff up. Second best right now? Probably, at least until Mulder starts doing HGH again. Yes you did shut down the White Sox and I'll give you some props for that but you've got to start giving us more than 5 innings a start like you have recently. It's also interesting to me that you've given up 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 earned in your six starts this year. Let's hope you don't continue growing the collection there. I see you becoming a good #2 starter with a (that's right, I said it) Matt Morris career path. Prove me wrong.

2. (Maltliquorman-wherever Tilt is sold) So Mr. Fantasy Expert, how are you doing in your league(s) this year? What are your plans for the second half?

In my keeper league where I punted the season to get Pujols, I'm doing better than everyone else in the league. How am I doing that since I'm in dead last in the standings? Easy, I've got Pujols for the rest of forever. For. Ev. Er. My plans in that league for the second half are to trade you for Tejada and sleep well at night knowing that I will kick everyone's asses next season.

In my single season league I'm doing effing terrible. My pitching is horrible (3.5 points total in W, K, ERA) so I think I'm screwed. My goals for the second half are to beat Justin since finishing behind him is unacceptable. It's been a rough year, but hey, even the Yankees don't win every year.

3. (Shaun-63042) Tony, Ratface fired by the 'Stros? And replaced by Sean Berry? Has there been a worse firing/hiring in the history of the world?

People who are hired to be batting coaches always make me laugh. You'd think guys like George Brett, Tony Gwynn, and Willie McGee would be batting coaches but instead you get Sean Berry, Gene Clines, and Dave Magadan. I'm waiting for 20 years to see the words "Adam Dunn, Hitting Coach, Cincinnati Reds" appear somewhere. I will laugh and laugh and laugh.

Pretty much the logic of firing a hitting coach goes like this: "Man our offense is terrible. It can't be that we're running Brad Ausmus, Adam Everett, and Preston Wilson out there every day. Ratface must be the problem. Smithers, hire me a new batting coach." The upside of this is maybe the Grizzlies will hire him and he can join Danny Cox and Jack Clark in the Frontier League.

4. (Peter G.-ICU) TP, everyone has given their "sleepers" for the second half of the season. Since it says at the top that this is America's favorite place to go for fantasy analysis, give me 5 or so guys who just can't be this bad, and will turn it around after 3 days off.

Hey Pete, take it easy. That just goes to show you that ESPN Mobile is hazardous to your health. Here's 5 guys you can count on to have good second halfs:

• Jason Varitek (not going to keep hitting .230)
• Bobby Abreu (has to hit for power some time, doesn't he?)
• Morgan Ensberg (I can't believe I'm sticking up for this weiner)
• Danny Haren (won't win games, but could have the lowest ERA in the 2nd half)
• Javier Vazquez (look for his ERA to be in the low 3's second half)

5 guys who will suck ass in the second half:

• Kenny Rogers (he's not an 11-3 pitcher, come on)
• Mike Mussina (somebody tell Moose it's not 1995 anymore)
• Troy Glaus (hitting .241 and that won't get any better, will still hit HRs though)
• Freddy Sanchez (.358?!?! That's higher than the Pirates winning percentage)
• AJ Pierzynski (the last time he hit .320 was in Legion ball)

5. (Big Head-Omaha) During the Cards games, Hardee's pimps themselves having the best burgers in the STL. We know that little star is lying. Where are the best burgers really at?

Me and the Hardee's Star is gonna fight. Seamus McDaniels in DogTown has some pretty good burgers. I've heard The Fatted Calf (great name), O'Connell's, and Chuck-A-Burger are good too though I can't vouch for them personally. Maybe this shows that we need a BertFlex outing to the above establishments and then conduct a poll. BertFlex contributors get ahold of me and we'll schedule an event.

I will admit that the new Hardee's burgers are the best fast-food burgers around, but that's like saying that Ian Snell is the best pitcher on the Pirates: while technically correct, it's not much of a compliment.

If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to shaunfanclub@hotmail.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years, so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.

Too good to pass up...

So a bunch of my guy friends celebrated a bachelor party this past weekend in Milwaukee-- of course, a Cubs/Crew game was in order on Saturday where they were able to snap this awesome picture. Apparently these girls were really standing like this and didn't notice or seem to care that Colin stood next to them and numerous people took pictures of their backs. Oh well. Thought you guys might like it :-)

MySpace Race #1

Over half of the contributors to this site have MySpace accounts, utilizing it to catch up with friends, meet new people, and/or for posting pictures of themselves in drunken situations.

A lot of people take having their own personal site very seriously and divulge tons of useless information about themselves, including blogs, surveys, and the previously mentioned photos. I mean, who really cares about you telling the world what crazy things you do with your friends--why take the time to write a blog about it and post pictures? Luckily, that doesn't happen on this site...

I personally feel that MySpace is one of the best internet ideas ever, and with over 91 million pages, it is easy to see why the creator sold it for $500 million to Rupert Murdoch and his crew of flunkies.

But the whole MySpace story can be told another time. The point of this post is to have a little fun with some MySpace sites through friendly competition.

For this "race," I clicked on the page of Francisco Liriano (Twins rookie pitcher) and pitted him against Cardinals rookie Anthony Reyes. I'd like to mention that I'm pretty sure neither page is officially maintained by these players, but I have heard that Anthony Reyes' brother does his. So technically this race (and post) is pointless because I won't have direct contact with either player, but I can still have my fun anyway, right?

It does give me the chance to show this picture, though. The faded dude on the left holds the future of our pitching staff in his right arm (and, coincedently, the beer).

I asked both to be my "friends" around midnight on Friday night, July 7th and sat back and watched who would reply first. The winner gets nothing except a little more respect from me. And as an interesting side note, they both pitched on Saturday--Reyes got a no decision against the Astros, while Liriano shut out the Rangers.

When I checked my page late on Saturday night, I noticed I had one more friend than the day before. Who would it be? Well, I'll just say that it was disappointing coming from this Cardinals fan that Mr. Reyes is a little slow with his mouse, at least on the weekends.

You can view the page of this week's champion, Frankie Liriano, here.

Tune in next time for the Jack in the Box vs. Burger King showdown.

If you would like to submit your MySpace Race please send an email (including the results) to: shaunfanclub@hotmail.com. He would rather let you do all the work, but if necessary, he will do it for you.

Punchin' the Munchkin

MINNEAPOLIS WCCO - On March 30, Minnesota Timberwolves center Eddie Griffin was drunk and masturbating when he crashed his luxury SUV into a parked Suburban outside a store in Minneapolis, according to a lawsuit filed Thursday by the man whose Suburban was hit in the crash.

WCCO-TV obtained copies of 911 calls and store surveillance video of the incident, along with an accident report the police submitted to the state, reports WCCO-TV's Caroline Lowe.

Several of the 911 callers that night said Griffin was drunk. One witness said Griffin told him he was watching pornography in a DVD player mounted on the dashboard of his Cadillac Escalade SUV when he struck a Chevy Suburban parked on University Avenue Southeast.

The location where Griffin crashed is located a couple miles from the Target Center where Griffin had played with his team several hours earlier.

Abed Hassuneh, who is the brother of the victim, said Griffin told him, "That he was masturbating himself going down that street. That's how the accident happened because he was not paying attention. He's paying attention to that video and all of a sudden he's shoveled somebody's car on the top of the sidewalk."

Interim Minneapolis Police Chief Tim Dolan ordered an internal affairs investigation of the conduct of the two officers who responded to the scene, after WCCO-TV made Dolan aware of allegations about the incident.

Key questions are why Griffin wasn't tested for alcohol and why the officers drove him out of the city to his home in St. Paul. Griffin also received tickets for not having a license and inattentive driving.

Griffin's damaged SUV was towed to the Minneapolis impound lot.

Dolan told WCCO-TV he expects impartial policing. Dolan also said officers must get permission to leave the city.

"Obviously, if somebody is drunk and they are driving we want that dealt with by the police officers of Minneapolis," Dolan said.

In the video, Griffin can be heard pleading with witnesses to not call police saying, "I can't go to jail."

The video also shows Griffin admitting he is drunk and doesn't have a driver's license.

The video shows him struggling for minutes to put on his sweatshirt and offering to buy a car for the man who's SUV he crashed into in front of Santana Foods.

Griffin was not available for comment. When he was interviewed by reporters after the crash happened, he said he had dropped his cell phone as he drove.

The two officers involved in the incident, Daniel Anderson and Matthew Lindquist, have been with the Minneapolis Police Department since October 2001. The officers remain on duty pending the outcome of the internal investigation.

Who's Shitty

Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another installment of the "Who's Shitty" fantasy report, America's favorite place to go for fantasy baseball opinions. Tony Pellegrino, webmaster and fantasy expert will check the mailbag and answer five fantasy questions every week, so hopefully yours will get answered. If you're lucky, Tony might call your favorite fantasy player "Shitty," which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the bertflex glossary).

We apologize for the lack of article last week. Even though we received thousands of questions, none were good enough to make the cut. Yeah, that's it...if you have a question for Tony, please see the bottom of this article for the details. If you are a friend of the bertflex.com staff, it is very likely you'll get your question published. Then you can tell your friends how cool and famous you are for getting your name printed on our site.

Just like our idols at Yahoo's fantasy headquarters, we like to feature badass pictures of our expert, Tony Pellegrino. In honor of the 4th of July holiday, this week's badass picture takes us back in time to 1776. Here we see a picture of Ruddiger Von Pellegrinah, 18th century politician and part-time bowler from Massachusetts. Pellegrinah was so offensive to others, he was not chosen to sign the Declaration of Independence because of his outlandish statements and constant burps while serious matters were being discussed.

In 1752, he confronted a young John Adams and told him that he's "John Hancock without the power." Unfortunately that statement bit him in the ass as Adams and Hancock went on to earn degrees from Harvard, and became two of the most famous men in United States' history. This is the earliest documented occurrence of the "Pellegrino Curse," but we are sure that it happened multiple times before that day.

After the Declaration was signed on July 4, 1776, Ruddiger looked at the document and said, "Thomas Jefferson? Who's this homo? Oh he's coming out of Virginia? He's shitty!"

That was the last straw--Massachusetts quickly traded Pellegrinah to a small Italian village in New York, where he changed his last name to Pellegrino and converted to Italian. The trade reflected Pellegrinah's value, as New York only had to send some used wigs and the rights to Ben Affleck in return.

Ruddiger Pellegrino was able to pass on his legacy before his death. Generations of Pellegrinos carried on his tradition of obscene behavior. None has lived up to his standards quite like our own Tony Pellegrino. So in honor of tradition--going back to the early days of this great country--let's get to those questions and find out Who's Shitty.

1. (Ozzie-south side Chicago, IL) I hate Who Sheetty. I tink dat you Tony Pelagrrrrino es a homo anna piece of shit. People say dat I need to go to anger mang-ment, but I say to dem 'fuck you, I kill you'. I win World Serie last year an I hate dat when people tink of Ozzie, dey tink of Ozzie Smeef. Instead of anger mang-ment classes, you tell me what to change.

I'm glad you hate Who's Shitty, but Dusty Baker hates it more (because I'm white) so you're officially in second place in the Chicago Manager Who Hates Who's Shitty (CMWHWS) standings. As an offensive person myself, what The Man will let you say is an ever-changing list of "acceptable" slurs and it's hard to keep up. Here's a multiple choice question to get you ready:
Mariotti is... A) a douche B) a cracker C) a stupid wop dego D) all of the above
Mariotti is not... A) a fag B) an Afro-Saxon C) a gook D) all of the above
Just gotta brush up on the "what'll getcha fired" and then you're all good.

2. (J. York-Dallas, TX) TP, last Thursday was "Big Comeback Night at the Ballpark." We were able to see the return of AJ Burnett, Rocket Roger, and Mr. Flex himself, all in one night. Thoughts?

Roger is overrated (see previous Who's Shitty's) and is only coming back after being suspended from baseball for steriods (link) so I don't really care about that one. The Astros are so terrible, Clemens needs to go 25-1 the rest of the way for them to make the playoffs. AJ Burnett's comeback would be more exciting had he not hurt himself swimming in his pool filled with hundred dollar bills he raped from the Blue Jays in the worst signing since Chan Ho Park. Bert should not be coming back this early. To me, we should keep him out until at least the break if not August. I'm not afraid of the Reds and we're going to win the division anyway. Last thursday is shitty.

3. (Big Head-Park Ave.) Mark Mulder blows more than Sandwich's sister (sorry Beth, needed an analogy). I felt buyer's remorse just for picking him. Console me.

You're with me, Mulder. I had him in one league and yeah, he's effing terrible. I love how the club put him on the DL. I was hoping he'd be listed as "Mark Mulder, P, StL - 15 day, shittyness." Luckily the Cards just signed Major League Headcase Jeff Weaver so it's all gravy now. We are absolutely screwed and so is your team.

4. (Big Sandwich-Imo's) I just added Gary Matthews Jr. and Yuniesky Betancourt to my fantasy teams. Does this officially mean my season is over? Also, Casey Blake is lingering on the DL and was falling off considerably before the injury. Should I just drop him or try and get SOMETHING for him in a trade, if I could get a six pack of beer that would be good enough.

Your season was over the minute you went far enough down the waiver wire to see those names. Also, Casey Blake should just be cut. I can't imagine anyone thinking he's actually a good player. He's way more likely to hit .220 than .320 the rest of the year. Then again, you don't have anything to lose since you're already done.

5. (Big Ben Sleeplisburger-IL side) Tony! The 4th of July is coming up. What do fantasy baseball experts like to devour on days like this? Where does the 4th rank in your mind, as far as the "Eating" holidays go?

4th of July is a great eating holiday and one of my favorites. In fact, it may be the #1 eating holiday of the year. I know that sounds like blasphemy but stay with me here... I attended 4 barbeques this past weekend. What other holiday do you get to eat like a madman for FOUR straight days? Top that off with the annual Kobayashi Invitational at Coney Island and I can't say that anything could beat that. Hot dogs, hamburgers and pork steak are the classic items for a July 4th 'que. If you're somewhere that they're not having any of those 3 as an option, you're hanging out with some un-American tree-hugging Commies. Let me know where they live and I'll have them "taken care of."
Notes: Ribs and chicken wings make great side dishes. Donut burgers are best consumed by more than one person at a time. At 6pm when the BertFlex hotdog eating contest was about to begin, Schnucks was completely out of hot dog buns. Not one in the whole store. It was awesome.

If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to shaunfanclub@hotmail.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years, so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.

New NCAA Cover!

We are only two weeks away from the official Pre-Madden game. Yes I am talking about NCAA Football. NCAA usually beats the hell out of Madden, but I always end up buying both. There was a nasty rumor going around that Reggie Bush was going to be on the cover. Someone at EA put the cabash on that. This year's cover? It is none other than Polk High's MVP Al Bundy. Here's the cover just to prove it.

This year's cover boy has skills to win the race for the hooters. Straight 99s, bitches. Watch out Jefferson Darcy.

The Other Hot Dog Eating Contest

The Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest is the most anticipated event every 4th of July. Not fireworks, not baseball, but eating...there I said it.

Being the ambitious young men that we are, we decided to have our own hot dog eating contest. It was a foregone conclusion that no one was going to challenge the new record of 53 3/4 hot dogs in 12 minutes set earlier today. But we staged a contest that included the "best of the best": Myself, Justin, and Josh were willing to take the challenge, while Tony and Katie watched from the sidelines with the camera and stopwatch in hand.

The contest? First to 5 hotdogs wins the title. The other two go home in shame with less risk of a heart attack later that night.

I don't think I need to tell you who won on this glorious day. But I will say that he ate 5 in 9 minutes, 29 seconds. It's not as easy as it seems.

In true bertflex.com fashion there are some amazing photos of this event posted in the photo gallery. Click on the link to the right to see them. Right now there are some preliminary competition photos of Josh eating hot dogs and beans. If you are wondering, there are 3 toilets in the Lohnes house. None are safe for the next two days. Check back later this week for the rest of the pictures.

I'm sure you'll be disappointed that you weren't there.

The Most Electrifying Burger in Sports Entertainment

It's not even the 4th of July and we're already getting fat, as documented today on the bertflex.com camera. See the DonutBurger get devoured in the photo gallery.


There
she
is...









FAT...

FAT...









FAT!








For the record, it is quite tasty. No heart-attacks either. We are hardcore!